Big Girl Britches
Im sure this will seem like such a small thing... but a huge self boundary victory for me.
In our marriage I have always handled the "paperwork" side of things, a role I'm totally fine with, usually. This role has always extended to include things involving SS as well. Again, not a huge deal, EXCEPT... BM and medical insurance do not mix well. DH and I have had the same basic policy our entire marriage, 8 years now. At first it through me and my work (SS was on the policy), and then we switched to THE SAME policy only through DH's employer. Several times a year we have to deal with BM and the insurance. It's always a last minute emergency because she doesn't have the card, she needs to know DH's SSN (nope! Not happening.), or some other last minute issue for this appointment she "can't lose because it took us months to get it. And now we're here in the office and I just need it fixed right now." OR It's "I just got this outrageous bill because I didn't give them the insurance info, can you call them and fix it." One year everything got completely mixed bananas because she put SS on Medicaid. Then Medicaid found out SS was actually already covered and went after our insurance for all the money they had paid out.
Anyway, I have always jumped to the occasion in these situations. Dropping what I'm doing to call doctors offices, fill out paperwork, whatever needed done for the sake of "the best interest of SS". (I tend to be a people pleaser and fixer of things. )
Last week DH comes in and says hey, something happened with insurance and SS's visit and BM has a bill and questions so I told BM to call you and straighten it out. Ten minutes later DH watched as I received the text from BM, looked at it, and turned off my phone. I told him, nope, not my problem, you and her need to figure this out. And I didn't feel a bit of guilt! It was huge for me. And do you know what happened? BM FIGURED IT OUT. On her own. With no help or brain power from me.
She doesn't want to answer the phone for DH when he tries to contact SS, and I am done answering the the phone on her whim because she needs something RIGHT NOW.
Again, probably not a big deal to most people, but it feels like such a major victory for me. Boundary set. Boundary enforced. And everyone is better off for it.
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No, that's a huge deal. I
No, that's a huge deal. I tend to manage "paperwork" too, because I'm convinced DH has ADHD, but I'd never, ever, EVER deal directly with BM. That's his job, I didn't knock her up.
And why can't she fix the mistakes that she makes? If she gets a big bill, let her deal with it.
My knee-jerk reaction is to
My knee-jerk reaction is to make a joke about her uselessness. But, in this case, I was part of the problem. Because I always handled everything for the family (DH), BM learned quickly that she could throw it to DH, who would throw it to me. At some point DH was cut out as the middle man, and she just threw it to me directly. And I obliged and took care of it, because that's what I do. Neither of them had to deal with it, because I was always there to fix it for them. Sure I may have grumbled a bit, but when it was all said and done I did it. The phrase "You teach people how to treat you" applies here. I allowed it, it was easier for them, so it continued. And now it is stopping.
Yes, that's how it happens.
Yes, that's how it happens. But it's one thing to pick up the slack for your husband and quite another for BM. Good for you for putting it back where it belongs. Did DH object?
He hasn't said much about the
He hasn't said much about the disenagement in general. I did offer an "If I were you I would resend her the cards and let her figure it out. But I'm not doing it for her." Which I don't think he even did that before she messaged back that she had the "mistake" figured out.
Perfect, nice job. Like you,
Perfect, nice job. Like you, I do help out with stuff because DH is disorganized and it reduces my anxiety just to get it done. But for something like that I've learned to advise and let go.
That is a HUGE deal! I am
That is a HUGE deal! I am sure it felt amazing!
It IS a huge deal and you did
It IS a huge deal and you did great. Now, KEEP enoforcing that boundary.
This is a huge victory and so
This is a huge victory and so much progress if you ask me. Continue with your boundaries and putting that type of stuff in her court. It's always so easy for others to pass the buck but when they have to solve the issue themselves its a whole other story. I'm sure now she'll be better with things when it comes to SS and the insurance.
Good for you!
she put SS on Medicaid
BM is just playing games, she knew SS had insurance but put him on Medicaid. That not a mistake, t
That is to cause drama. You are tight, not your problem, let BM fix what she caused,