This is a post that I nearly posted to my personal blog today. The only reason I did not was to be the END to the drama so to speak. the drama can come my way...but it doesnt go on from here. Its how I feel....Its my reality, sad as it is!!

The post would have been worded "Joy in being a Granparent???

NOTE: This MY blog post .if you dont like what you read GO AWAY and don't bother to tell me about it!!!

I word that as a question very much on purpose. So far, there has been no joy in experiencing being a grandparent, only heartache, pain and rejection and grief. The picture that I post here is of Holli's (the baby's mother and my husbands biolical daughter) baby. I have always referred to Holli over the last 10 years as my daughter, and I have thought of her as such. I have hated the word STEP mother and the the stereotypes there-in. Unfortunantely, she has chosen to exclude me from any involvement in her her life as well as that of her baby, Sariah, and Aaron, her husband.
She did so originally back in November after what she had stated as her want was not chosen as the final decision for family pictures. She was mad because we had set the pictures 3 days after Thanksgiving and she felt that she would be too tired from doing all the Thanksgiving festivities at her biological mothers. After having set up not only for a photographer but having arranged for all the other siblings to be here in town, and after speaking to her father, it was decided that we should keep the pictures that day. That is..just a whole family shoot. The additional pictures that Holli and her lil fam were going to take would be done later when she chose and felt better. Hiss Fit was thrown about her choices and opinion not being respected and she has continued it on to now. I got blocked from Fabcebook....blocked from her life...and she even threatened to call the cops on me if I dropped off a diaper bag at her door that I had exchanged FOR her.
All this from a young lady who I have gone out of my way to do anything for. Before this I was over the top excited to be a Grandma and would shout how happy I was to just about anybody I knew who would listen..and even to some people that I did not know..LOL!!! A young lady who I have raised for the last 10 years as her mother since she was 12!! ..All through the teenage years, dating, Band, Prom....working, college, getting married...through it all and now all of the sudden I because a disposable person in her life. I could lie here and say that I have no fault, but that is not so. I think that I have always expressed too much how much I wany to help...even shared my excitement over being able to help her with anything she wanted. Here was my "scenario"...Let see..I drop the boys at school and then run to the store and pick up a few groceries and then go over to Holli's to hold the baby while Holli taook a nap or showered, or even came over and vacuumed or folded a basket of laundry. This was MY picture!! What I got back from Holli ws "Make sure you call first"!! In my thinking, I tend to over analyze and really find the true meaning of what people say. At first, that statement really didnt bother me. As time went on, I came to realize that what was really wanted was space, boundaries, limited contact....

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This is a picture of Holli's baby that I "stole" from her PUBLIC Faceebook page "Dutson Designs"and so selfishly posted on my FB page. According to her, I could not do that because it was a picture that she took and it was copyrighter and it was illegal. wah!! wah!!! Forget about the 10 years of relationship that is GONE!! I have grieved. I grieved for the loss of what I thought was a good, yet at some times strained relationship with my daughter (notice I did not say step daughter). I grieved for the loss of my son in law who I dearly love and know he is caught up in all this stuff and will always respect Holli's wishes, as he should. I grieved for the loss of my joy in being a Grandparent. My joy of hold a sweet baby GIRL in my arms and loving her. I held her in the hospital and I fell in love. Just writing this brings me to tears. I wish I could say this doesnt hurt anymore but it truly does. The joy in being able to go and get something for my grand-daughter..GONE. the excitement at telling people I was going to be a grandma..GONE.

So, from that November Thanksgiving drama to now, I have seen Holli...let me think...3 times. The first time was when we were planning on going to Gerties in Rupert for dinner. I suggested to Ted that he should invite Holli and Aaron. Aaron was working , but Holli came. I hardly got a glance or any conversation from her that night. She was trying to eat and Sariah was fussing, yet she rejected my offer to hold the baby so she could eat. Maybe I should not even have offered.
The second time was at Daniel Dayley's farewell in Rupert. As I was walking out with Zander to get something out of his jacked, she was walking in with the baby. I forgot for a split second that I was disposed of and excitedly said..i wanna hold that baby. Dang it!! Why do I have to love babies so much!! Her response was "When you come back. Holli and Aaron were sitting down the bench from me and I decided that if she wanted me to hold her, she was going to have top offer, because I just did. That's me!! I'm tired of being the one offerning and being rejected. Im tired of being the one giving to somebody who really dosent want me involved in their life. Somebody who generally would tell me personally how she felt and turn around do something completely opposite. Wonder what parental figure she got that trait from...Opps..did I just write that?? Oh well, Im writing what I feel!! I know that being a parent can be thankless and hard at times.
Even knowing that, being a step parent is exponentially harder!! I opened my heart up when I married my husband and promised to add his four children into my life as well. At that time, TJ was 15 and living in a group home in Boise, Holli was 12 and in 4th grade (I think), Katie was 8 and in 2nd Grade at Mt View and little Kevin ws 3. Going from a single person to a married has huge transitions, but imaging the transitions and changes going from a single person to a married one AND a mother of four children, 3 of who were living full time with us. INSERT ROSY GLASSES HERE!!! I was ready and eager to take on whatever I needed to and be the best mother or step mother and wife I could.
I may not have always been the best mother, the most nurturing mother, the most compassionate mother...and all that BUT I was here...I did the best I could since she was 12. Knowing all of that, to know that even now, what I did was not good enough for her to need or even want in her life is sad. That is basically telling me that my best was not good enough for her. Sadly, in my heart, I truly believe that I may never might have been. Most step parents feel that way. The underlying current and emotions coming from the parent who was not daily, actively involved in her life. I have been here and ME the one calling to see if she needed anything, ME the one who calls and goes to lunch so that we can visit with each other and not have hurt feeling. ME, the one who has tried to be the better person and not get my feelings hurt (or at least show it) when hurtful things are said. Me, because I am here and have been here and committed to be here involved in daily life with their dad, no matter what. Their other parental not the father has been minimally (wait..Im not going there!!).
I DIGRESS!! Anyways, Basically Holi has chosen to exclude me from her or her families life becasue she did not get her way and threw a hissy fit. IM DONE with being the one always giving! Im moving forward and taking care of the family who WANTS to be involved in my life and the lives of my husband and children.

Thanks for letting me have an ear to vent so I dont pass on this crap!!!