Talk with SKs?
I'm new to StepTalk and have been browsing the forums for a few days. Here is my story (copied over from a reply to a thread on General Talk):
I met my two stepsons when they were 11 and 16 at my SO's nephew's wedding (now they are 14 and 19). They were initially sweet as pie (We chatted and I even danced with both of them, lots of fun!). Alas, when BM found out I was important enough that SO had introduced me (He had never introduced any of his other girlfriends to them before, not to mention I'm much younger), she whispered poisonous thoughts into their ears about me being the reason they weren't staying together. They had been separated for 2 years before I ever met him, and when I met him, she was living in a different state! He convinced her to move back to California when A) she could not find a job and 
he of course missed his boys after nearly a year of not having them.
It took quite some time to finalize the divorce because she was mentally unstable (claiming to be suicidal, who knows if it was true) and threatening to demand all kinds of ridiculous things in court (child support even though she makes more than he does, pension, etc.). He waited until the storm passed before filing, and it ended up working out better that way (joint custody, no alimony/child support, no pension will go to her when SO retires).
Last year at SS19's graduation party, BM got tipsy and admitted to me that I had nothing to do with their divorce (A far cry from a couple of years ago, when she claimed he was sleeping with both of us until right before the divorce was finalized). SO says that he has talked to them explaining my non-involvement in their parents' divorce, BUT I highly doubt BM has changed her tune to the boys. I can still sense that they waffle between liking me and resenting me (It literally varies day-to-day, hour-to-hour). I've tried for 3 years to endear them to me, and I get tepid feelings at best. About a year ago, I unconsciously began to disengage.
Now, it's been about a year since BM and I have been coexisting fairly respectfully. My SO and I have very seriously been discussing marriage more often recently. I feel like, if possible, I would like to resolve the awkwardness to some degree with his boys, especially since we have joint custody.
My question is (after a long ramble about my history, sorry about that!):
Have any of you with teenage SKs tried to sit them down privately and discuss what they expect from you as SM relationship-wise? If so, how did it go? Even if you haven't, do you think it wise?
Nothing worked !! I treated
Nothing worked !!
I treated my SD as if she were my daughter.
Explained to her I m not your mother n never will be I am just another person in your life that wants to love you.
I noticed the whole step family was a little overwhelming to her n asked if she felt neglected at all by us or her BM. Us no ~ BM yes. She welcomed having siblings n a stable entacted family ~ only if it suited her needs. Everything trumps her game ~ she is in charged. Her world revolves around her n we are just useful when needed ( atm n chauffeur) now she is 20 n could careless about any of us. It's all about her agenda !
No, I most certainly did NOT
No, I most certainly did NOT sit down with DH's teenagers to discuss what they expected of me relationship-wise. They were 16 and 18 when DH and I committed to each other, but they were never factors in my marriage. No need for it.
I tried when I noticed my
I tried when I noticed my once decent relationship with sd16 was started to strain. Explained to her that I knew I wasn't her mom and never wanted to replace the relationship she had with her. I was her father's partner and he and I would co-parent together. I started off slow with her, her dad made the rules (as pathetic as they were) but once they moved in with me, my opinion was voiced more. No child runs my house. I thought we had a nice moment but she saw me as being weak and threw me under the bus the first chance she could. I was devastated but learned quick. I will never fully trust her. The last 2 years I don't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. As a teen I had a stepmother that hated me because I simply existed. I promised myself I would never treat a child like how I was treated. But as much as DH thinks she was eventually come around, she and I will never have the relationship I once wanted with her.
I pray it's different for you! Good luck!
No talk needed. At 14 and 19,
No talk needed. At 14 and 19, they should know to respect you as an adult and as a member of the family, and someone that their dad loves.
I agree that they can use your words against you and see you as being weak. Discussing what they expect from you as a SM is giving them too much power.
If anything, their dad needs to set them straight on any rules of the house and what is expected of THEM.
SKids are more on the tell
SKids are more on the tell list than on the discuss list.
"Boys, your dad and I are going to get married. I am not your mom. You have a mom. I am your dad's partner and he is mine. You are part of our family and I am part of yours now. We can make this as pleasant as possible for everyone involved or as miserable as you both choose to make it. I hope it can be a nice experience for all of us. If you need anything from me or want to talk to me about any of this let me know. Of course you should talk to your dad about it too since you are his boys and are very important to him. I hope we can make it work well for all of us but for sure I want the three of us to work together to make it as easy on your dad as possible."
Or something like this. If they work with you great, if not, adults can always make a kid's life a living hell. }:)
I met skids when they were
I met skids when they were SS10 and SD11. Things were great with SS who has accepted us and never given us a hard time. He even gets along with my Bio Sons.
SD on the other hand - was a mini-wife so we had to sit down and have a "family talk" once SO realised she was trying to sabotage our relationship.
That didn't go down well at all. BM came over and we sat out the back while SO and SD "talked". SD was furious because SO wouldn't leave me. She told him she didn't want him in a relationship with anyone. She didn't want him living with anyone. She didn't feel "safe" when he wasn't with her...blah..blah..blah.. when that didn't work.. the crocodile tears started...to no avail.
SD has never wanted another woman interfering in their household - whether it be her own grandma or whomever - SHE was the woman of the house and that was how it should remain.
SO hasn't backed down and will not allow her to control our relationship. She still refuses to visit even though SS is with us every single time it's his time to visit.
Best thing we ever did was listen to our Counsellor who advised us to let her stay with her BM. She hasn't visited in over a year - and our house is at peace.