Stepson will soon be 12 and looking for others experience
Hi, I am new to this page and forums...not sure if this would be the place to post it but here goes.
In a little over a year my step son will be turning 12. His mom keeps telling him at 12 he can decided where he wants to live, he hasn't expressed a true interest other than and I qoute he says "I want to decide where to live so I can go back and forth when someone gets on my nerves." Mind you he will be 12 and has siblings in both homes, a parent or sibling is always going to get on his nerves I am sure....
I am pretty much expecting a complete shit storm come the age of 12 with his mother telling my husband step son doesn't wanna come and doesn't have to because he is 12 and husband having to tell her until there is a court order stating otherwise no he still has to come and her doing everything in her power to withhold....
but here is the thing has me stressing....what do we do? Should we just let him decide and leave it at that?? go back to court and push for the schedule to stay the same?? go back and request a set visitation schedule still but with reduced time possibly?? (I ask about reduced time cause at the moment we have 50/50 every other week) So I question if a steady schdeule with less time would possibly be in the best interest or a good comprimise for everyone...
I definately don't think with his reasoning he is truely old enough to decide....I also know we want him as involved with the family as possible...on the same hand I don't want to make him miserable making him come or have my husband miserable that he doesn't get to see his son....so wanna come up with a comprimise some how...
so what has everyone elses experience been?
My stepson is only 6 and his
My stepson is only 6 and his mother has already put it in his head that he will get to live where he wants when he turns 13. She is the Disney Parent and lives to spite us, our rules and our relationship with SS as she only sees him on the weekends and is bitter about it. He runs BM's household as the man of the house so I am not so confident how it will play out but I told DH SS wll not be allowed to come and go as he pleases like BM did with her parents. BM bragged about manipulating her parents by bouncing from household to household, to the parent that would give her what she wanted at the time and forever keeping them in court switching child support back and forth. We aren't playing that game. SS will be allowed to come back ONCE after running off to BM's. If he runs off again, he will have to live with his decision.
That's honestly my biggest fear
Is that he is just going to use it as a situation to try to play both households...I guess at worse we would pull out all the stops including brining in his therapist....She said with his OCD he likes to try control and maniplulate stuff so it suits him and what he wants so he isn't so anxious....which is why I am sure he love the idea of choosing based off who is annoying him like he said before...
But like I said at that age and with siblings he is always going to be annoyed, and even though BM would do anything to one up my husband and often lets my stepson along with her other kids get away with murder I am not having him back and forth disrupting our house and other kids because he got annoyed with us and his sisters or got annoyed with his mom and sisters there and disrupting there home either....even though his mom would be sure to not care....well she wouldn't care till the first time he left there because he didn't like something.
I am almost sure she supports it so much right now cause she sees it as a means of control over my stepson and husband both because then when things are going good step son will wanna stay with her and when things are bad she is going to tell him he can't just leave cause he is mad and make him stay there then too even if he wanted to leave.
I feel your pain. I have
I feel your pain. I have SS15 and we have the exact same schedule - one week on, one week off. He has been consistently getting in trouble (caught stealing money, selling prescription pills, and now we recently received a call from the police he was drinking at an under-construction-home in our neighborhood). Up until now (tonight actually) he has always preferred being over here....but the issue we are facing is that he is threatening to not live over here because consequences are enforced. After his most recent episode, his mom didn't enforce punishment and said "kids will be kids" so of course she is the "better option". I have no solution to offer you, other than a sympathetic ear. He and my SD16 are TOTALLY playing both households, and I feel we personally are fighting a losing battle at this point. BM has always been a controlling, interfering *@#$! but it has morphed into now being the no-consequences parent ... and unfortunately at this time in their life, it has life-or-death consequences for these kids. We are at the end of our rope with the disruption to our privacy and security every time he / they are here. I am caught in the middle of being like "fine don't come back" and felling guilty for thinking that because we can't walk away from parenting. And yes, I say "we" because I firmly believe that when I married their father, I signed on for the responsibilty. I will tell you that the one new twist to this is that SD consistently claims she needs to go to her mom's when she really isn't there. I feel like I would rather take 10 more years of them being 8 and 9 years old, making messes and bickering than the nightmare that we are now facing. We honestly thought that when we changed the plan to 50/50 it would provide them more consistency, but now in their teenage years I honestly feel it is the opposite. Every weekend of the week we have them, there is a blow-up, sneak-out, drinking, lie, etc. and then they go to BM's house and play her for no consequences.
SS cannot decide at age 12 where he wants to live.
BM can petition the court for a change in custody, but she would have to justify how the change would be in the child's best interest. The court can take into consideration SS's choice, but it would have to be something more than the fact his mom has less rules at her house. (Age 12 isn't a magic number, it is up to the judge if he/she think the child has the maturity to make that choice.) Since 50/50 has always been in place, the judge would have to hear pretty compelling evidence to make a change.
All that being said, if SS truly wants to live with BM full time, and DH denies him that change, he might make your lives unbearable. You and DH will have to figure out how much of that you can take when the time comes.
I just worry
I worry about how it will affect my husband and my stepsons sisters should he not come around because his mom filled his head with this whole "you can decide" mess...
And I worry that stepson will try to take advantage of the situation and wanna bounce back and forth alot because he wants to decide "so he can go back and forth when he is being annoyed at either home" he says...and knowing that I worry how that could affect my relationship with my husband and my in laws and even step son if I refuse to drop everything and run to get him when he wants.
some states ...
...will allow children to have a say in their visitation preferences at a certain age, but they will not allow the child to decide that he never wants to see one of his parents. Assuming there are no situations of abuse, the courts typically require that any proposed schedule maintains a relationship with both parents.
Also, I wouldn't try to pre-emptively guess what your SS might do. As my mother says to me all the time when I get anxious over threats from BM and SS, "don't worry about something until it happens."
No state allows a kid to
No state allows a kid to decide which parent they will live with..... until that kid reaches the age of majority. Even then if there is a CO in effect an 18yo who has not yet graduated from HS is still usually under a Custody/Visitation/Support order. All states reserve that decisioning authority for the Courts. Some states allow a Judge to hear the child's opinion on the subject, other states do not.
This 12yo needs clarity in a hurry (review the CO with the kid) and BM needs to be smacked with a rolled up copy of the CO (figuratively of course) to give her clarity on the subject. The kid needs to understand that he as well as both mom and dad are governed by the CO. He gets no say in who he lives with and whether or not he visits.
You have a CO. If that CO meets your needs then there is no need to do anything .... other than keep a firm foot up the ass of the BM to hold her to the CO.
IMHO a kid does what a kid is told... PERIOD. They may get an opinion but they get no say. That is what adults are for.
I would look into what your
I would look into what your laws will dictate.. does your court system allow kids to decide? Or does the judge perhaps listen to a child but makes up theri mind on all the facts which may/may not support that.
Once you find out for certain that he can't just pick and choose.. then your DH has a sit down with him and explains the facts to him.. That the Custody order remains in place till such time that it is reset by the courts or he ages out and he can't change his mind 12 times a month about where he wants to be. That his father expects to follow the CO and will work with his MOTHER regarding any planned accomodations for changes. But, under no circumstances will this 12 year old CHILD be able to force his parents or steps to shuttle him back and forth because he is being a PITA.
I think I would make sure that your DH sets it to him straight and without the sugar coating and tell him that he expects him to learn to get along with people and then there won't be any nerve issues.