Stepdaughter 12
I am seeking suggestions and or words of advise from wiser people out there in stepdom than I.
My SD12 has been undergoing counseling for depression. Honestly, I do not hink she is depressed as much as possibly hormonal. Regardless, she has refused visits with her Dad now (hard to know who is the parent and who is the child) off and on for about 6 years. She, her CM and my DH all had a sit down with the counselor this morning. It seems that SD12 believes I am in competition for Dad's attention...I am sure there were many other statements made, but this is so ridiculous. It is as though no matter how hard I try, I am always going to be an outsider in my own home. I was first filled with anger, then told myself, this is a child, it can be worked out...then I just want to leave my home because I refuse to allow a 12 year old to dictate to me what I can and can't do in my own home. I make her Dad go get her out of her room...so they can spend time together. I make her Dad get her meals, etc. I am very conscientous of the possibility she would feel this way and have done everything in my power to keep this from happening. I can't try any harder and I am very tired of trying and feeling like an outsider in my own home when she is there.
The universe is bowing down and kissing this little girls *ss and I, honestly want no part in it. I have never babied any children, even my own kids (who are grown and gone and emotionally healthy) and refuse to start now. I refuse to feel like an outsider in my own home and do not know how to proceed from here.
I told my husband that "Daughters are forever", he stated, "So are wives", to which I answered, "they don't have to be". I am at a loss and need advise from someone out there with more aptitude than I...please...
Sounds like you need to
Sounds like you need to disengage from her. Whether you live in the same house or not, if she is making you miserable its time to put some distance between you two. YOU are the adult and the wife. Your house, your rules. If she is depressed, that is on her and for her mother and father to deal with. She is not your child to have to worry about that way. Girls are very, very manipulative and she most likely thinks she can get rid of you and have the run of the house if she makes you miserable enough. Especially since she is in therapy for it now, she may play that card there as well. I dont put anything past these skids now.
My SD tries this also, she is younger though, but I am disengaged and she is miserable now. She cried, throws fits, is all over DH trying to show her (imagined) superiority to me. I know I am the wife, the adult. I dont worry about her perceptions, but I do put my foot down and I demand respect. Thats a line that i will not let her cross.
Try some disengaging and see if that helps you.
I wish I knew what to say,
I wish I knew what to say, I'm pretty much in the same boat. Everything I do is wrong, everything she does is perfect and golden.
I've suggested therapy for them both. Like you, I raised 3 children, 2 of them girls. And they do not act this way or behave in this fashion at all. I do not expect to be disrespected by any child.
Like you, when she is in our home, my whole opinion is crap. He'll walk in and say so what do you guys want for dinner? Or he'll say.... did you guys talk and to discuss what the plan is for today?
Excuse me stupid! I do not discuss MY plans for MY day with a freaking 12 year old girl.
No thanks.
I've tried disengaging but when I do that sd12 acts even worse. Hanging all over her dad, sitting with him on the sofa all snuggled up to him with a blanket and her popcorn that ddddaaaaaadddddyyyyy made just for her! She's the ONLY person that loves popcorn.
When I disengage it's like she thinks she's won. You can totally tell by the way she acts toward me, almost gloating.
Good luck is all I can say!
Yikes, that is horrible. I
Yikes, that is horrible. I am scared to death it may come to that some day. DH doesn't see what he is doing? I would pursue the counseling, its worth a shot.
Same boat and my SD is just
Same boat and my SD is just getting worse. At least right now she's at her mom's and isn't talking to her dad. Not for lack of him trying. He texts/calls/emails at least once daily. She never responds. This has been going on a month now. The only good thing is that my house is back to being MY house!
Disengage completely. You
Disengage completely. You will not win this situation. But, at least you can still be happy...Disengaging essay is available on this site. Once I did it with SD, everything got so much better. I engage with SS14 because he is nice. SD16 is evil incarnate and I will not be her kickboard....This girl is manipulating everyoone and you have to stay out of it. No matter what you do, you will always be wrong, so why try?
Thank you all for your words
Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I am torn. BM has been a presence in our home since day one because she is allowed to be. My DH cannot tell her when she is being unfair to the girls, himsel or me.It seems now that DH wants me to allow BM and SD to create rules in my home. I will NOT allow this and honestly feel that it may be in my best interest to leave, DH cannot see that these two people are overstepping their bounds and I simply cannot try any longer. I will not be a patsy to BM rules in my own home.
I will read about disengaging, but honeslty, I have disengaged as much as I feel I can emotionally. I am told by DH this morning(we get up at 5AM, so go to bed early. This has always been a minor problem in our home as SD is allowed to stay up till 4AM if she so desires)that DH is to stay up until 11PM with his daughter. This is just an example of the way DH is unable to tell SD or BM to forget about making their rules for our home. I just feel unwilling to continue this way.
Thanks again for the kind words.