SD14 issues
My boyfriend has 2 teenage daughters (14 & 16). My plea for assistance today is with regards to SD14 who up until recently lived solely with her mother. Recently we found out that this summer, the 14 year old was given way too much freedom, being able to go wherever she wanted, do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted and ended up living at her best friends house for the summer, with no notification to her father, or any rules on anything. Her mother was too busy trying to act like a teenager herself to monitor or parent her 14 year old. Because of this freedom, the SD14 has become very use to doing what she wants all the time.
A few weeks ago, she told her father she wanted to move in with us, which we were extreemly happy about after hearing of the mothers recent personal and parenting actions. We worked diligently to get her room ready for her to move in before school started (new bedroom furniture, decor and so on) After the first week of staying with us, the first week of school, we thought things were going great, then the weekend came. Her best friend and herself are in the same school, same home room and same classes, so they see each other everyday, all day. Yes they are best friends, but they are also 14 years old, and also need time on their own, therefore Friday night she was not allowed to stay at the friends house. This caused a fight between her and her father. The next day, she stayed in bed until after lunch (which is normal for teenagers this day so I am told), and when she did get up, we told her that if she wanted to go to her friends house that night, she could, but she had to come outside and help with the yard work before she went, and also clean her room prior to us taking her there, which she did.
The next day when we contacted her about coming to pick her up, she said her mother was picking her up for the afternoon, and she was not happy about "not being able to see her best friend whenever she wanted". This was just the beginning of a conversation that was obviously not what she wanted to hear, and later we get a "text" from the mother that she was staying at her house that night. That was 3 days ago, and she hasn't come home yet. Most of her stuff is still in her room, but she still had lots of stuff at her mothers so she doesn't need the clothes at our house.
Right now we are so frustrated because she is in the very environment we were trying to get her out of, and not sure how to deal with it. Because the mother doesn't want her living with us, she will do whatever she wants to make her stay, even if it means emotionally damaging her daughter to spite my boyfriend and myself.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Any suggestions.
You need something in writing
You need something in writing on this with the courts. This girl should not be able to play one parent against the other. Unfortunately, she is 14 and a judge will let her go where she wants.
Good luck because 14 year old girls are a species of their own...BTDT and gave up custody of her because BM was more fun and had less rules.
She will continue to do this as long as you allow it.
To be honest, I don't think
To be honest, I don't think there is much chance that SD14 is going to return and live with you. She has obviously spent too much time at her mother's where there are no boundaries, she is now used to this, and is unlikely to knuckle down and change her ways to fit in with the different (although I agree better)ways of doing things at your house. I reckon that by this age the damage is already done, sadly.
We had this kind of situation a couple of years ago with my SD14, who said she wanted to come and live with us because BM was giving her a hard time. However, we recognised it as a ruse to play off one parent against the other, she wouldn't have liked it at our house, either, as it was a similar scenario to yours and she would have had more rules and boundaries than at BM's. -If we had said OK, she would have been forever backwards and forwards between the two households whenever one offended her. Bio kids with 2 parents together happily don't get this option, and it is not a good idea for SKIDS, either.
Good luck with this. I lived
Good luck with this. I lived this already, last year. We did all the summer prep work, getting her room all in order, school uniforms ordered, books ordered, tuition paid. SD14 (at the time) moved back in with mom after 2 months. 14 year olds think dads house will be freedom. They get unhappy with mom and think, I'll show her, I'll go live with dad. When they get there, it isn't fun disney dad anymore. Its serious dad and they end up wanting to go back to mom.
I hope this doesn't happen to you, but my bet is she's made her decision and she's moving back in with mom. Mom is eating up this opportunity by telling her how wonderful it will be if she comes back to live with her. If no court papers have been changed, nothing you can do.
RIGHT NOW, you will save yourself frustration by disengaging. You are going to feel sooooo used and so much resentment towards her. Its taken me a year to get back to speaking term to my SD. I still dont' like her. I wasted so much of my own time, SO wasted so much time and money.
I agree, her mind is made
I agree, her mind is made up.
I think she's already made her decision that she's going to stay at her mom's permanently, and have pretty much given in to that thought, even though when she stopped by the other day to pick up a pair of jeans from her room (that is still full of stuff she brought from her mothers, along with the $3000 worth of new bedroom furniture and decor that was purchased to get it ready), she said she is coming back soon, so maybe she will, maybe she won't, but we've left it up to her, made it known that she can't go back and forth like she has been and she can't just use our house as an excuse to get back at her mother or vice versa. She knows that we want her to live there because it is what is best for her and that living with her mother is not a good place to be right now. The BM is totally out of control, she is 40 and hangs out with 20 year olds, "takes home" any guy who shows her the time of day, and has parties (that include underage kids, including her own) every weekend. In the small town where they live, none of the other parents want their kids having anything to do with her, and won't let their kids to to her house with them because she doesn't trust what is going to happen there. SD's have been exposed to things the last year that would make your toes curl, and the BM just doesn't realize the damage she is doing to them. We don't say anything to the kids about it though because we don't want to be like her who is poisoning the kids against their father and myself.
It was her decision initially to come live with us, she told us she wanted to move in, so that is why we got everything ready. I just hope she makes the right decision when it comes to where she is going to actually spend her time.
well, this sounds very
well, this sounds very familiar. my SD15 was allowed to do what ever she wanted at her mothers. We had her week on week off so she went from a house with no rules to a house with rules all the time and was pretty able to adjust. Her mother would let bys stay over, let Sd smoke pot, etc.. it got bad enought that my Dh thought about taking BM to court for sole custody but before he could do this we found out that SD (14 at the time) was pregnant and not jsut a little pregnant- she was 20 weeks along. After this BM was more than willing to let us have full custody since a baby would ruin her socail life and SD refused to abort the 20 week old baby.
anyway, long story short we now have a 15 year old at home who not only has no clue about healthy relationships or about living full time with RULES, but she is trying to raise a baby too. It is a mess to say the least. I love the baby, but it is a mess!
my only suggestion for you is to try to get a court order, but with the family court system the way it is I doubt you will get one until she actuly is pregnant, or addicted to drugs, or actuly livign with a boyfriend or friend. Unfortunetly you are in a tough spot and trust me when I say it only gets worse until the "friend parent" loses the ability to parent.