SD Teen Pregnancy with no consequenses
My 16 year old SD went and got herself pregnant after lying to us about being alone with her bf. It took her two weeks to tell her father what happened but she only told him after she got an abortion and he caught her lying about her basketball games that she couldn't participate in because of the abortion. We have always been extremely open with her about making smart decisions and doing the right thing, protecting herself. My DH talked with me about what was going on and asked for my advice which I gave to him and offered several punishments for her. He has always said that I am too hard/strict. He started out the week angry with all these punishments and now five days later, I haven't seen anything done about her behaviour. She is still allowed to drive her car wherever she wants to do whatever she wants. She wants to go to a NYE party and DH told her to go stay at her mothers because he doesn't want to deal with her mopeing around our house. BM will let her go to the party and he said that he didn't care. I feel completely disrespected as his wife and her SM. I have a SS14 and my own daughter 11 who I do not want them thinking that they can just do whatever they want without any consequences. I am seeking counseling because I have now noticed that when he says that I have free reign to discipline like she is my own, what he means is I have no backing in the consequences for her actions and there is nothing I can do about it. DH and I have been together for 6 years and this is the first MAJOR screw up. Screw ups before were smaller, bad grades which has turned around, little lies, being disrespectful to her mother. Do I stand my ground and fight with my husband about this (we rarely fight) or do I tell him I dont' want to ever hear about anything she does because my opinion means nothing????
This isn't something that
This isn't something that needs a punishment. This is something that needs a conversation.
Your SD got pregnant and, assumingly, took herself to get an abortion, which isn't cheap. She then didn't feel comfortable enough to tell her father (and to be fair, I wouldn't have felt comfortable telling him on my own, either).
This incident should have caused every adult to stop, sit SD, and talk to her about what is going on. Honestly, the fact that she had the thought to go and get an abortion versus getting engaged to her BF and start planning out her wedding says a lot about her maturity, or at least her ability to handle her own messes. The question shouldn't be "how do we punish her" but "why did SD think she needed to go this alone"?
Your DH can still talk to his daughter, but if his typical mode of operation is bury his head in the sand and let her do as she wishes, then this won't change and it's not on you to change it. If You don't wsnt your DD to act that way, tell her that she has a different mother with different rules and DD only needs to be concerned about the rules you give her in your house.
It’s a tough one. It’s a
It’s a tough one. It’s a major screw up but she handled it. She will most likely also be dealing with the natural consequence of her actions. I wouldn’t be focused on punishing her as much as helping her to learn from the mistake and not make it in the future.
Honestly if this was SO’s oldest I’d advice that first we get the child on birth control. From there I wouldn’t have a direct punishment. It would be understood that I don’t trust her and I’m not going to just let her go do whatever she wants. I wouldn’t take the car away but I would limit its use to just school, work, and other MANDATORY events. Curfew would be sooner and I’d do more check ins.
This wouldn’t be handled as a punishment like being grounded. It would be discussed and explained.
At the same time where I live 16 is no longer a minor in my state. I knew growing up that my family wouldn’t bail me out if I came home pregnant and SO knows I want to take the same approach with any children in our home and that’s my focus. Your SD’s approach would be acceptable in our home while honestly I’d be very worried about the emotional / mental impact of this. I guess that’s my focus. What’s done is done and now it’s time to repair the damage
I guess maybe punishment was
I guess maybe punishment was the wrong word. I want major limits set. No parties, no more running around doing what you want. The trust is definately gone. I can't believe that she felt that "taking care of her situation" alone was the best choice and frankly DH's feelings are hurt that she didn't go to him. She did go to BM and BM encouraged the abortion. I am not comfortable with the choice of abortion and asked that they put her into counseling. Both DH and BM declined that option and said she will be fine. Come to find out, BM has had multiple abortions. I don't understand why this hasn't become a priority to sit her down together and have a discussion and lay down new restrictions. They gave her alot of leeway because she has always been pretty responsible. I think my whole problem is she has not shown that this is something major and her parents are "sweeping it under the rug".
Abortion
Please show her some compassion. I think that deep inside she does regard this as major. If she has always beens responsible, and just made a mistake, please do not paint a Red P on her forehead.
As to choice of abortion, she does not need your permission to have one.
She is now old enough to
She is now old enough to suffer the effect of her own decisions.. and this time, it meant she underwent a not very pleasant medical procedure.. and will have to live with this for the rest of her life. And placing "limits" on her? Well, to be honest, kids will do what kids want to do and no amount of early curfews would have prevented this from happening.
Now, that doesn't mean her parents shouldnt have had a hard discussion about this.. let her know that they were disappointed in her not being careful and asking her what she has learned and how things will be different in the future. But a "punishment"... I'm not sure even limiting those accesses is going to do anything other than make her more likely to sneak around. You say that otherwise she had actually been a fairly responsible kid.. I think that having more open communications with her parents is the ticket.. not creating reasons for her to hide things.
And.. she didn't get away with this.. she got pregnant and had to deal with the very adult consequence of it... and decades from now may find that this has changed her life irreperably.
She didn't
take care of it alone, she went to her mom and then she decided what was best for her. I can see why she didn't go to you given your stance on abortion but in the end, it was her decision and she spoke to her mother about it. She didn't need your permission or opinion on the matter.
I don't see where
I don't see where a punishment is appropriate. She had a legal medical procedure that she had every right to have. No one - not even her parents - had the right to be informed or consulted. I am sorry if you don't like it but that is the law regarding reproductive privacy.
She was careless, got pregnant, and took care of the problem. The end. It is a shame that her father feels left out but her mother assisted her so she was not alone. If the child was a boy and he contracted a venerial disease I am relatively sure that, if he chose to involve a parent in his medical care, he would consult the same-sex parent.
Restricting her activities now will only further cement her reasons for not telling her father in the first place. It will not change her sexual behavior. I can guarantee you that she was given the "safe sex" lecture at the clinic she went to for the procedure. Hopefully she has taken it to heart. But if she has not, taking the car keys is not going to get you the result you are looking for!
Gee,I can't imagine why she
Gee,I can't imagine why she didn't go to her father, considering your reaction to this!
OP, honestly, what you think about this situation has no bearing on any of it.You are not her mother. She went to HER MOTHER, got her mother's advice, and handled this problem on her own. She didn't dump a baby on you to raise, or go marry the kid, she did what many people would consider the responsible decision, and whether or not you agree is irrelevant.
And if you think having an abortion isn't a "consequence" for anyone, think again.
She's almost an adult, and making her a prisoner in your home is not the answer. Talk to her about safe sex and birth control, and good decision making, if you want, but stay out of the parenting - let her actual parents handle this.
Where i’m from a minor who wants to get an abortion
Needs the permission of 1 of her parents and they must be notified but if parents are separated, its just basic respect and manners to keep the other parent notified as this is a serious medical procedure. For some this is seen as irresponsible that she never used birth control, got pregnant and then had an oopsies moment and decided thats ok i can have an abortion
but it seems none of the parents/adults involved have sat this kid down to explain the concept of safe sex, pregnancy and that abortions are not just an oopsies moment solution because they can actually affect fertility and further pregnancies potentially
i’ve even heard of other young girls being ill informed and having 5-6 abortions but have never understood about the concept of consequences of your actions because if they had 1st time getting pregnant, they would have safe sex after
End of the day as a stepparent your permission is not required, you are not required to be notified of her pregnancy or your permission for her getting an abortion. What you expect and want is common courtesy but that is something rarely given by stepkids and expartners. It sucks but thats why so many of us stay out. If she ends up never learning and you showed hubby some resources on safe sex and he chose to kept silent along with bio mum, thats on them and sd if there ends up further issues later down the track. Your husband did not undermine you, he asked you for advice because you are a woman and would likely know more than him but instead of first thinking “geez this kid needs some education on safe sex and what can happen”, you jumped straight to punishment to try ground her as if you were trying to show her the repercussions of getting pregnant, except these were the wrong repercussions.
she should have had a sit down between her mum and dad and explained and shown about safe sex and what can happen. There are plenty of videos online that hubby could have shown her and talk about it after. Things like pregnancy, std and what subsequent abortions do to the body so she understands in future.
to be honest you were out of line trying to ground this kid and ban her from activities liek she stole from someone or did drugs for example. Had she been adequately taught sex ed, she would have made a well informed decision to have sex or not and if she made a poor choice, thats on her.
Think SD is 16
And doing what she wants. Just goes where she wants, stay out when she wants. Has no rules that she follows. At 16 if she want to get a apartment, be on her own that one thing. But if she lives in Evil SM home, with younger kids in that home. There are rules she has to follow. Since she has broken the trust, rules should be tightened. Only go to school with the car. Or tell and adult where you are going and be home at the agreed time. No going to party’s ect.
Uhg.
Uhg.
First, an abortion is no where near a "major medical procedure." And honestly? It's not even a "major" incident that necessitates therapy, so stop pushing for that. Your own judgements on abortion are clouding your perspective here. The young lady has always been pretty responsible, according to your own words, so just let it go. Teens have sex. If you need something productive to push for, encourage her to get on birth control.
I'm also not sure how an abortion caused her to miss more than one basketball game. The "recovery time" is like 24 hours and the worst of it is like a bad day of pms.
She made the choice to be
She made the choice to be sexually active, she got pregnant, she dealt with it as well as any 16yo can IMHO. She may, or may not, have any long term emotional issues because of her choice. Some do, some don't.
My bride got pregnant at 16 and refused to abort her child. She gave up her childhood to be a mother. And a very good one I might add. She is probably far more successfull because she chose to have her son than certainly many of her peers from her small town are. The ones who had children as teens and the ones who didn't.
When I was college freshman my GF became pregnant and chose to terminate the pregnancy. I proposed, she accepted and also chose to terminate the pregnancy. It was her call. At the time I was neutral, I remain neutral on her choice. She did struggle with her decision. Eventually I called off the engagment because I had no business being married at 20yo.
Anyway, it would be far more productive, IMHO, to engage her in discussion than punish her. Though I do agree that stricter boundaries are in order.