SD is now "Cutting"
So my 13 yo SD sends my DH an IM that she is cutting herself and in therapy and that DH can call her BM to talk about it....
Background, my DH and I have been together for 3.5 years. He and BM have been divorced 12 years and has SD13 every other weekend. About 18 months ago it became a battle every weekend about coming down to visit us (2.5 hour drive one way). In the beginning DH would force the issue, telling her it was not her decision, etc. and BM would not help matters. SD didn't want to come visit because we were mean (rules about respecting yourself, others, not lying, pick up after yourself, shower, brush teeth) and because she didn't have any fun (we spend our weekends catching up chores around the house). So this fall her grades were in the tank after 3 weeks of school being in session and her reasoning (backed up by BM) was that we MADE her come down for visits and that was so hard and that was why she was doing poorly in school. Then she was suspended for cheating. That was our fault too. She refused to accept any responsibility for this, citing that she didn't actually cheat because the teacher stopped her before she had a chance to write down any answers. BM took away facebook for a week and that was that. We were NOT to discipline for any of this and SD broke into this drama about being afraid to come down (for fear of punishement, DH told her she would spend her whole weekend working, ie raking, painting, etc) because she was worried DH would spank or hit her or not let her go home to her BM.
DH took control of the situation explaining that he needed a break from all of the drama and he would then decide at what time she could resume visits. In January he drove up to see her and take her out for lunch and explain that the things that she's done and said have consequences and just because she was over it didn't mean that people that she hurt were no longer affected by the behavior. He was surprised that she wasn't getting this principle.
SD has not been to our home since Aug of 2010 and it's been wonderful! Her grades still suck and now it's because her father won't let her down to visit. Because we are not allowing the 13 yo and her BM to run our schedules and make the rules, SD has now started 'cutting'. I've done a little research about this but have no personal experience with it. From what I understand, cutters HIDE this from their families. They don't want people to know that they are doing it. They certainly don't advertise it as a signal for attention.
When DH called SD last week after she sent the IM telling him about the cutting, he asked her if she was doing it for attention and what was going on, what were her feelings, all thought provoking questions and he was answered with 'you can talk to my mom about it' and beyond that it was all single syllable grunting "idontknow'. He said to her 'well, you're going to have to figure out how to communicate with me because in a little over 4 years I'm never going to have to talk to your mother again.' We did find out through the process of this conversation that she wasn't actually in therapy but they made a call to talk to someone to inquire about making an appointment to talk to someone about the cutting. All further proof in my mind that this cutting thing is a bunch of BS and designed simply to get attention.
Now we are getting texts from BM that DH should sign SD over to BM's DH. Oh sure, that will make things better! Because clearly, my DH is the problem here. He's not been allowed to be involved as a parent, any time that SD is being held accountable for the bad grades, shitty attitude and lying, BM blames DH. And now, because he isn't taking a role, it's his fault too. WTF!
My DH is considering signing over all parental rights and responsibilities with the stipulation that there will be no more support checks going out of this house. After all, he has no rights or responsibilities according to BM up until this point, unless it's as a scapegoat for her lack of parenting for the last 13 years!
I also believe that cutting
I also believe that cutting is typically a hidden practice. I have a 16-year old niece who, about 3 months ago, gave her first child up for adoption. While she was pregnant, it was DISCOVERED that she'd been cutting herself. The doctor noticed the cuts on her thighs when she went for one of her exams. When it was found out, she was ashamed & she was embarrassed. She had real psychological issues she was trying to deal with & cutting was her coping tool.
Someone who takes center-stage to announce that they are cutting is seeking attention. Obviously if she feels the need to draw attention that way, she has issues to deal with, but I don't know that I'd take the cutting part to heart. It's like someone threatening suicide. Typically, someone who is suicidal will not announce that they are going to kill themselves. Why would they? They know people will try to stop them & keep them from achieving the goal.
She should be in therapy. She clearly needs help with something. I think the cutting thing is a tool to create a dramatic story.
At 13, she is old enough to convey her own thoughts & feelings. If she is able to notify him of WHAT she's doing, she should be able to communicate WHY without the aid of her mother.
I would definitely see about getting her in to talk to someone find out what she's really dealing with.
She's trying to get his attention. She's not going about it the right way, but being he refuses to see her, maybe she doesn't know how else to go about it. At 13, she's still learning what is appropriate & what isn't. It's a dramatic age anyway. I don't know that signing over parental rights is the best thing for him to do at this point, especially if it's in trade for not having to pay child support. That makes the whole thing about money, & it shouldn't be. She is his child. He owes her that. She needs help, & for him to dip further out of her life now just makes him one more person in her life she can't count on. I really believe that he would regret it down the road.
Well, if she were in an
Well, if she were in an intact family and refused to follow rules or talk to her parents, she would get the bare neccesities...if she's only a child, then she is not entitled to decide where & when she sees her father.
If the kid says "sign me over" because she wants nothing to do w/him, that is what he should do...if not, he should MAKE her see him & follow his rules. She cannot have it both ways...otherwise he'll be creating a controlling monster.
OH GOD! Sounds just like the
OH GOD! Sounds just like the PASinator Behemoth. First it was our fault for having the skids over for visits when GG began to stop disneyland dadding them.
Then it was our fault b/c skids and the BM made a phoney CPS report against us (the BM "Behemoth" works for CPS in her county as a caseworker) They didn't want to do such backbreaking chores as emptying a small bedroom wastepaper basket or picking up a few twigs. Of course GG (biodad) was NOT allowed to discipline when he saw VD (SD at the time about eight yrs old) kick her younger brother in the teeth. Thus the phoney CPS "abuse" report.
Then it was our fault when the skids didn't want to come over for visits anymore b/c no more disneyland dadding would be going on (although it continued with the youngest one for about a year and a half after that; GG finally got sick of the fussiness and drama)
And now all three (with full cooperation from the Behemoth) are blaming their awful grades on us. Utter stupidity.
Behemoth has always "free ranged" the skids with ZERO discipline and consequences. Always with the instant gratification and pacification. So of COURSE they are doing terrible in school. School work requires a measure of discipline and self sacrifice. Two HORRIBLE words!! LOL!
The last visit from the youngest SS (Prince Hygiene) was Sept 09
None of the three have been back since.
SD12's latest grades:
Math: failing
Social studies: failing
Language arts: failing
Chorus and Band: dropped out for failure to show up for lessons
Music: failing (got a 30 on a test b/c she just wrote down anything she felt like instead of following directions. . .it was a quiz on the "Sound of Music!!!")
Science: She managed to get a D on this one; I have reason to suspect that the BM is doing her homework in most of her courses as well (she gets 100% on them and then bombs out for failure to turn in classwork assignments or failing quizzes/tests)
Gym: she's getting an A (all you have to do is show up; all skids are huge for their age and they confuse this with real athleticism)
Of course she is allowed to participate in every friggin' extra curricular activity as well. All three skids (SS14, SD12 and SS eight) are failing academically.
And NO she doesn't have test anxiety as all three skids are as bold as brass and not the nervous sort by any stretch of the imagination. The Behemoth has told them that grades don't matter; it's popularity that counts (not that popular either due to their immense, undeserved egos) AHHH the FAILED self-esteem movement in action!
The Behemoth and GG are the world's WORST parents IMHO. AND (drum roll) the Behemoth has gone out and adopted/fosterd two additional children for the tax credit. Way to go, Behemoth!! Ruin five kids instead of your own three.
From the remark the OP made
From the remark the OP made that SD IM'd dad to tell him she was cutting herself & that he could talk to her mom about it, I took that to be her announcement.
Maybe mom did discover it, but SD brought just enough information to dad to grab his attention & then directed him to discuss the important details with mom.
Just to clarify, BM did not
Just to clarify, BM did not make any attempt to contact DH and let him know that this behavior was going on. I have a BD and if something this serious were an issue with her, I would be on the phone to my ex-husband PRONTO!
Furthermore, she is not in couseling, but rather that talked to someone about getting an appointment to talk to someone.....lots of circular logic with these two.
Furthermore, my DH's reluctance to speak to BM, makes it hard to get any facts of any sort about when it began, the severity of the situation. Add to that the fact that BM and SD wouldn't know the truth if it bit them square in the face.
I've said since the day I met this kid she needed therapy. She's just wierd, lacks social skills and I had a feeling things with her were going to fall outside of the scope of normal teenage bhavior.
"DH took control of the
"DH took control of the situation explaining that he needed a break from all of the drama and he would then decide at what time she could resume visits."
Good for him, he was setting himself up for more and more drama for you two and he nipped it.
Sounds like no matter what he does he is in the wrong. I can't visit you because I can't study and my grades are poor. Next, I can't visit you so my grades are poor because of the stress of not seeing my dad.
That kid is in for a hard life. Your husband actually wanted to teach her something. Rock, hard place.
I have no advice but I feel for your situation. Every move he makes is wrong and he can't get through to his daughter to raise her properly. Do you give up, or keep trying???
Maybe he should request to take her to counseling for him and her. Maybe he should file a report that she is a danger to herself, get her out of that situation?? Will that make it all worse?
Good luck to you!
We've talked abour having her
We've talked abour having her come and live with us in the past and SD herself has even asked but backs out at the last minute both times. We've also talked about taking her to court to fight for custody but with the court systems the way they are, most likely we'd just end up giving BM more monaey each month. Not crazy about that. And honestly, it would make MY LIFE MISERABLE to have her here every day. Not really crazy about that either.....or having her as an influence on my 6 and 2 year old. Further more, she lives in a very small, lower class rural community and would be a social disaster moving to our town that is upper middle class. She lacks social skills, hygiene etc. as well as being so far behind academically.
I'm at the end of my rope.
Completely understandable. I
Completely understandable. I wouldn't want to do that to my own kids either.
Cutting can be done for
Cutting can be done for multiple reasons-but no, it is not always a hidden act. I also took the post to mean that mom somehow found out and she told her you need to tell your dad-so she did her duty and informed him and that's all she wanted to say.
It must be taken seriously whether you think it is genuine or not. Just like suicidal threats must be taken seriously. It is a huge myth that people who talk about suicide rarely do it. I've known people that talk about it for years and then finally do it.
Cutting is often a hallmark symptom of borderline personality disorder; however, what I am also finding is that it is also the new "in" thing. Kids are talking about, trying it, etc. Getting these ideas from others. One could say these kids are not serious, BUT if they are doing it-they could end up seriously harming themselves or killing themselves without meaning to.
However, I also agree you need to be careful here. You do not want to give too much attention to the "behavior" as you may end up encouraging it. I think your dh needs to go visit his daughter and find out what the hell is going on here. Encourage her to go to therapy, offer to go with her, but also emphasize if visits resume at your home that the same rules as before will apply.
Hismineandours: I couldn't
Hismineandours: I couldn't agree more about him getting up there to find out what in the heck is going on. Apathy, lack of interest, hatred of the ex....all play into this. And the BM will not allow for his input. She thinks she really is the only parent. I can see why he hasn't any interest in getting involved, since it probably is to protect his own sanity. Still, if it were my child, I'd walk the 2.5 hours in a blizzard in my bare feet if I thought she was in any kind of immediate danger, regardless of how I thought the other parent would react.