sd is free to do what she wants
I am BM46 of 3 BDS. At 35 I was widowed and raised the girls basically on my own. BDs didn't always get everything they wanted but they understood that I couldn't afford it. BD21 and BD23 each moved on to good jobs and lives of their own. Proud of them. BD15 is my only one still at home. BD15 is a sophmore in high school and is already taking college courses in engineering at vo-tech. I remarried 4 years ago. I now have SD17 drama queen. SD17 moved in with us 2 years ago because of failing out of school bcause "teachers and principal hated her". SD17 can't hold a job because "boss hates me". SD17 is a senior in high school but has no future plans because "counselor hates her". For some reason she even has said that the lunch-lady at school "hates her'. My husband took a job 6 months ago that requires him to be out-of-state for 2 weeks and home for 1 week. SD17 immediatly started doing whatever she wanted. When I asked my husband about this he said "that he knew where she was at because she called him". HE IS IN ANOTHER STATE!!!! 4 weeks ago my BD15 heard from some friends that SD17 was telling everyone she moved out because I 'hated her". I should be happy but not. Husband says he knew she moved in with her older sister but decided it was not my business. Husband still pays for her car, insurance, and hands over money to her all the time. I have had the same job for the last 9 years and made enough to pay on house and necessities. Husband has never handed money over to me. He does help with some of the bills but never just hands me money to do anything I want with. Even though SD17 only shows up while my husband is home for a week, SD17 still tries to come between us to the point that me and husband are not talking. I think its time to call my marriage over. I am tired of snide remarks from SD17 and a husband who does not do anything.
I completely get where you
I completely get where you are coming from, but I have to ask- Are you sure you want to quit now that she is almost officially out of the house?
If you take SD out of the equation, how is your DH as a man? Do you love him? Have you guys set down and figured out goals that she must meet in order to be supported by you? Are they something you agree on? I hate to see someone give up because of a miserable kid.
Sit down with him and insist
Sit down with him and insist that the household bills, including rent/mortgage payments be split according to income. I.e. if you (or he) earns 60% of your combined income then that person pays 60% of the bills. Now you don't figure out the percentage every month. Just calculate every cost of living last year and don't forget food and auto costs. Calculate a percentage and assign certain bills to certain people. I.e. you pay the mortgage (since its your home right?), food, electricity etd. He pays auto expenses, heating fuel such as natural gas and medical insurance etc.
Now if he has any money left over he can do with it what he pleases as can you with your leftover cash. If he gives it to his kid its no skin off your budget as long as he continues to pay his share according to plan.
Then ignore the kid and what he does with the kid. Tell him you're not interested and don't want to hear about it unless its something you can help with such as taking her in after a car accident until she's recovered - that sort of thing.
It would be easy to go on
It would be easy to go on and be glad SD17 is gone, but she always has this smug smile on her face when she comes back with her hand out. Don't know if its normal but SD17 is constantly hanging all over him and tries to butt into our conversations. I do love my husband, but he never enforces any of the "rules" with her. He tries to push her away when she is all over him but after a while gives in just so he doesnt have to deal. he is a real push-over dad. We do get along well when she is not here. I know that only seeing SD17 one week a month doesnt sound so hard, but that is also the only time I get to see my husband. I sometimes feel like its a competition for his time. I have suggested that to husband that he and SD17 take a day and go somewhere to have a day together. He refuses. I think alot of what SD17 does is just a need of wanting time with dad. He refuses to see. SD17 has pulled quite a few stunts over the last 2 years that seem like cries for help.
You are right about the
You are right about the figuring up the percentage of bills to be paid each month. Husband pays his share of them. I have had the same job for almost 10 years and enjoy it. I also do craft shows on the side. The money I do have left after the bills usually go to my BD15 for extra-curricular activities for school. I think it just hurts because I cant throw money at my child like he can. Although my BD15 sees what is going on she doesnt say much.
Oh that poor little angel!
Oh that poor little angel! Everyone hates her? The little lamb! How can she face to even get out of bed in the morning, to drag her innocent little body from the safety of her bed to go out into the world where she is constantly abused and discriminated against! I may weep!
Actually I am more likely to vomit...
I say as long as it's not your money or risking your home or your own daughter's health and wellbeing, let DH get his wallet emptied by the brat. As long as it's HIS money, let him suffer. What the hell, grow a set.
Enjoy your own daughters and have fun and make memories with your DD15 who is still home. Don't waste a moment on SD17. I have a brat SD who's 19 and thinks she's smarter than everyone else. Not a chance.
I want to say thank you to
I want to say thank you to everyones comments. It is nice to know I am not alone. I am feeling alot calmer about everything now. I did find out last night that SD17 has apparently missed the last 3 days of school and no one has called in to excuse her. I guess her dad or BM (who by the way does not want her back, because life goes smoother without her) do not know she is not there. SD17 is on her own. Its just sad that she could graduate in a few months and is gonna throw it away. Not my problem. Thanks to everyone.
That seems to be a theme with
That seems to be a theme with these princesses...if a person doesn't let them have their way, that person must hate them. SD14 I'm sure thinks I hate her, and I've already heard her use the "_____ hates me" excuse a couple of times with a couple of her teachers.
Here is the think, you have to take SD out of the equation...not totally, but say when she is out of school. Imagine what your life will be like then. Is this the kind of skid who will be coming over every chance they get and keep dear daddy wrapped around their finger well into their adult years? Will that continue to put a strain on your relationship with DH?
I've had to start trying to think about that perspective, and we are talking a marriage of nearly 12 years. My DH does not enforce the rules, and SD14 could basically get away with murder. I look at BM, and the entire situation, and seriously, if that girl does not go out of state, my life will continue to be hell after she is graduated! Even if she does go out of state, I can see her calling dear daddy every week to transfer money to her account, and he would probably do it! This leaves me seriously evaluating where this marriage is going. Will it ever just be me an him happy (as I do love him dearly), or will I forever be haunted by SD14 constantly butting her nose into it! And right now, I don't even know if I'm going to make it through the next few years. You have to think of what is best for you! Your feelings do count!!!
I have seen SD17 blow so much
I have seen SD17 blow so much smoke up her dads butt. Over the last summer SD17 informed dad that she was going to go to college and become an anesthesiologist in 6 years. Dad was so proud. Until I had to inform both of them that it took 12 years and I asked her if she could even spell anesthesiologist. Dead silence. I dont think I want someone to have my life in their hands who cant even spell their own profession. SD17 has been in vo=tech for cosmotology but wont even have the hours to complete that. I have been a cosmotologist for 20 years now. I did my time in school, every hour of it. SD17 tells dad that she has more than enough hours, but I dont see how when she has never made it thru a whole week of school. I have strong feelings that SD17 will be coming around after school is over and dad will still be handing out money. That is my frustration. I think that is why I dont know if I should call it quits now or wait and see what happens. (P.S. I am not even really sure she can spell "cosmotologist".
I know how you feel. SD14
I know how you feel. SD14 insists she is going to be a dancer. But here is the problem...she doesn't invest the time! She only dances when it is available at school, and then only during that class period/practice. I have a couple of friends who are retired professional dancers. They tell of the days they had sores on their feet because they put in so many hours every day...that yes, they were in dance at school, but they had to put in hours upon hours on their own time to get anywhere close to what it took to get into a dance school or troop after high school. When SD14 isn't in school, she is laying in bed or on the couch...laying! And every dancer I know says it isn't just dance...you have to go through all kinds of other conditioning...cardio, strength...yeah, dance and stretch are great, but if you don't have the endurance or the strength, your form just isn't what it should be. SD14 doesn't want to put in any of this extra work, but she bugs DH to let her take a $200+/month dance class? But she doesn't show on her own that she wants to put in this work...and she especially doesn't want to follow any kind of healthy diet required to keep her body going in such an endeavor! And she has no plan B! It's dance or...she doesn't know.
Yeah, I can easily see her hanging around here trying to get DH to pay for things when her "dreams" don't pan out because of the lack of work she is actually willing to put into it. She will make him feel guilty for not putting her in the dance classes, say it's all his fault, when truth is, it will be hers. You want something bad enough, you put in the work? Does she think my son only practiced or trained when the coaches told him to? No! He has always gotten himself up early to get to school before everyone else to run, or put in extra time in the weight room. Even now...he isn't required to train any more because he is a senior, but he knows because he plans on playing next season in college, it is on himself to train. He is not begging us for a gym membership or anything...he is training with what he has...plenty of space in the country to run, weights we have at home that we have picked up here and there, old tires, etc.
To many kids want things to come easy to them...like it is just supposed to happen because it is what they want to do! And when you try to tell them it is hard work, they get all mad at you for it because they don't want to put in the work!