A Polite Way to Say it
Does anyone know of a polite way to tell your 16 & 17 year old stepkids that we don't want to constantly hear about their mom or their stepdad? My husband and I have been married 10 years and we have always been very careful not to make the kids feel uncomfortable talking about anything at our house, however, I lately, they constantly interject their mother or stepdad into everything we talk about. For example, we were talking about how my husband and I had such a wonderful trip and proceeded to tell them about the things we did, but our enjoyment soon got highjacked into talking about a trip their mother took. Or, when we are out driving casually and we jokingly mention we want to do marshal arts, the kids chimmed in that their stepdad already does it. Or my brother stopped by one evening and we all were talking and he asked us how we were doing and if anything happened to us becaue of the recent bad weather we had in July. The kids immediately interjected their mother in the conversation and talked about how their mom was impacted.
It needs to be noted that their mother has always treated me horribly and hasn't treated my husband much better, but really awful to me for sure.
So I want to be careful as to not look like the bad guy here, but I need some relief of them constantly interjecting her into my life when they are over here. It's out of hand. I want them to feel free to talk about her, as she is their mom, but I also need to enjoy my life without all the comparisons.
Is there a polite way to say, "hey, we really don't need that much talk about her here".
First I'll compliment you on
First I'll compliment you on how swell a job you've done is making those kids feel comfortable about talking about their 'other' home and its inhabitants. Kids pick-up very easily when a parent doesn't want to hear about the other half.
How about if you ask a question the next time the opportunity arises: "What does your Mom say when you talk about your activities when you're over here"?
Likely the answer will be negative. Your response then can be do say that although you're happy to listen to their stories about their lives you not interested so much in what the adults are doing. I.e. "Yeah most parents including us aren't all that interested in hearing about what's going on unless it directly effects you".
That is a great response,
That is a great response, "although you're happy to listen to their stories about their lives you not interested so much in what the adults are doing". I may think about that. It's a gentle way to let them know that we don't want to hear it. I also think that it should come from their dad so that they don't think I've got a problem, when in reality, it's just rude to do that to me all the time. Also, to answer your question, the last I heard, many years ago, they were not allowed to mention my name at their other house. Or course, I'm not saying that they shouldn't mention their mom or stepdad, it's just gotten out of control and it's really hard for me and my husband to reminisce about anything the two of us have/had without it ending in something about their mom. Shouldn't my husband be sensitive about that happening to me as well? My kids don't seem to ever interject stories about my ex. Maybe that is because I taught them long ago how that could come across and potentially hurt someone's feelings. It was in a manner that both are good, but be cognizant of how it may feel if it's mentioned too much. I tend to manage it from my end a bit better... maybe... I think?? My husband has never mentioned anything and my kids love him very much.
Ugh. Been there too and hate
Ugh. Been there too and hate it as much as you do! The last thing I want to hear about is their BM. I don't have any suggestions other than listen politely but don't comment much if at all as you don't want to encourage it. Then move back to YOUR story.
Sorry, I've got nothing better than that and it barely works LOL!
Anytime the stepkids say
Anytime the stepkids say about BM I woul start telling them a wonderful long winded story about my "friend" X.
SK: BM buys eggo waffles.
You: my friend X makes all her waffles from scratch. She uses whole wheat flour, because it's healthier, but you know how whole wheat flour usually makes baked goods kinda heavy? Well, hers aren't! I don't know what her trick is, blah blah blah.
They're either going to get it, or you're going to Pavlovian train them that a comment bout their BM gets met with a long, boring story by you.
^^^^ This one is actually
^^^^ This one is actually pretty brilliant!!!
Thanks for all of the
Thanks for all of the feedback. Up until recently, we all had a wonderful relationship. It seems like lately, the son especially, can't stand to hear anything nice about me without bringing up his mother. It's as if he thinks that if anything nice is said about me, that somehow it is an attack on his mother or that he needs to defend her in some way. And, when the kids do talk about their mom, we don't chime in with additional comments so that the conversation about her dies out. Needless to say though, by that time, it's ruined my enthusiasm to talk openly about anything about me. I seem to get judged by the kids. I think they are old enough now to know better and to probably have some hard conversations with them. Can we really go on protecting them and their emotions at my expense for ever?
im actually lucky that SD16
im actually lucky that SD16 doesnt do that much. i think she tries NOT to talk about her mom out of respect for us. (sweet) there are a few times that she has said something - but was all ok. i know she loves her mom and it isnt all the time.
if it happened all the time i would have my BF say something like "it makes Trinka uncomfortable if you talk about mom so much, maybe you can try not to?". but her and her dad have a very tight relationship - she would be ok with him asking/telling her something like that. she would feel bad that she did something to hurt me. BUT I WOULD STAY OUT OF IT. would only make me the bad guy if it got back to BM
Funny story:
she knew we werent there for the rides. it was a quick "Dessert stop". she said she went on "the zipper" a few weeks ago at a different carnival - i asked if she puked and told her she was nuts. she then proceed to jokingly try to get me to go on it with her - my reply was "hell no, do you want me to puke ON YOU?" she then stated "but my mom went on with me" (in a snotty kid way) so i told her to call her mom and she can come and go on again.
one was an Intentional "JOKING AROUND" dig at me. we stopped at a carnival in town because we wanted Zeppoles.
Same thing happens to me...I
Same thing happens to me...I feel like saying (but wouldn't)I don't want to hear about your mom again! I thought I was just being overly sensitive. However, I hear it from my mil too...she can't seem to talk to me w/o bringing up the ex wife... constant reminders and its not fun!!!