Not sure who I am more upset with...
I am so grateful to have quite literally stumbled upon this community of stepparents...reading through some of the forums and topics has really given me the push to write some of the things I've been struggling with and see if anyone can relate, what you've done, etc.
I think its important to acknowledge that i don't really know who I am more upset with - DH or SD (14 almost 15). SD is with us 50/50 (2 weeks on 2 weeks off) and we have my 3 daughters (10, 8, 6) full time. When SD is with us, I quite literally hate my life. She holds our entirely family hostage and rejects all of our house rules. No food in the basement? Took out her trash when she went to BM and found it full of wrappers. Please lay down a towel when doing your makeup in your room because you've stained the carpet? Refuses & lies to DH about it. Slammed a hole in the wall with her door? Told DH it was there when they moved in.. I'm quite literally at the end of my rope with the dishonesty & blatant disrespect for any common politeness. Its like having a distant relative you're supposed to like intrude on your life and overstay their welcome... I literally hate every minute shes under this room.
Well, DH doesn't make it better. Hand over heart, swear to sweet Baby Jesus, I have tried. I have tried to be kind. I have tried to be constructive. I've tried having expectations and including her in the family dynamic. I've tried leaving her alone. I. Cannot. Win. Whatever I do is the wrong thing, according to DH. I'm on a "witch hunt" and SD "cant do anything without making you mad". How is it a witch hunt when SD gets her monthly cycle and leaves a MESS in the bathroom, undies in the sink, and sheets balled up on the floor - like she just left it all for me to clean up. I brought it up to DH in literally the nicest way I could, not directly upset about the mess, and he just said its my fault because I didnt explicitly tell SD to NOT do those things. Even better? She took 3 of my brand new face masks (expensive, nice ones from Athleta) to BMs for two weeks and brought them homed stained with makeup. Both DH and I have talked to her about this and she refuses to comply. I'm ready to disengage and just be done, but I know that will make DH angry. He's got a history from previous marriage with this situation happening (mix of step & bio kids under the same roof) and he uses it as leverage anytime things get sour, like my inability to connect with SD directly reminds him of his previous failed marriage. Whats even better? He walks away now any time I even try to discuss a frustration or bring up something we need to address with SD. Is he disengaging?
I don't know who i'm more upset with. DH, who makes excuses for SD and will literally dismiss anything I have to say if it contradicts the lies SD tells him, or SD, for being a manipulative, disrespectful, albeit teenage, child - - I'm worried about the influence she's having on my own children, and I hate that she continues to drive a wedge between me and DH. But, until he acknowledges that some things ARE SD's fault and he can't blame her actions/inactions on BM's bs or being influenced by bad friends, I really don't know if its even worth getting upset about...yet I still do. It makes me want to pull my hair out.
You have a DH problem
He not parenting his DD. First any thing as stain carpet holes in the wall, broken anything. DH will pay for replacement or repairs. Make sure you hurt him bank balance. Keep yout home in good shape.
part two you are never going to win. Do take control of your life and home. Disengage from SD. Spend your time finding a cleaning person to clean up after SD. Make your own plans for the week SD is with you. Make DH chosen you or SD. If he goes with SD then he pays the week she not there .
you must decide how you want to live your life. That's up to you
Your DH is driving a wedge
Your DH is driving a wedge between you. Gaslighting you, dismissing your concerns, choosing his child over you...that's not a relationship! Your DH is a prick and it's no wonder his other marriage went south! He's the common denominator in these scenarios.
Thank you for being blunt -
Thank you for being blunt - its what I need. I was unfamiliar with the term gaslighting til my therapist brought it up (in relation to a coworker situation) and now seeing it applied to my marriage...wow...just wow... I see it.
You should be upset with your
You should be upset with your husband. His daughter's behavior is a function of his failed parenting. And his reaction to your objection to that behavior just indicates that he's a jerk. I'd disengage immediately, and start putting an exit plan in place. Hopefully you won't need it, but based on your husband's reactions so far, you might.
Well, I'm with the others. SD
Well, I'm with the others. SD can only behave this way because DH allows her to. No one should hate their life 50% of the time - that's a sign that something needs to change.
DH and SD need to live
DH and SD need to live elsewhere until he learns how to parent. If damaged walls and disgusting bathrooms aren't a big deal, then he shouldn't mind living in that atmosphere day in and day out. He can deal with stained sheets and undies.
He's ruining the value of
He's ruining the value of your asset. Your home. Period. Call the handyman and get those fixed. Make him pay for all of it. Then kick them out until they can respect you.
Love yourself most. There is no way a feral teen gets to ruin your life. It's a parents job to "ruin" theirs with discipline and expectations. She will never leave being allowed to live as she does.
Find your Bitch boots and put them on.
yeah, just NO.
Since this is YOUR home, then the onus is on your d "H" to get those fixed. YOU know that they werent that way until his Feral Princess decided to make those damages. Are you a renter or owner? Either way, get them fixed and charge to your husband.
Disnegage from Feral Princess. Feral Forger SD21 used to be proud of "the bloodbath" in the bathroom when she was on her period and would leave her period pads all out there for everyone to enjoy. When Munchkin SD14 got her first period at 11.5 I showed her how to properly dispose. And we both agreed it was gross looking at the bloody pads. I even get grossed out by my own period blood, much less someone elses.
If your H gets upset, well, thats on him. No wonder you need a therapist! I do too. LOL. But he is obviously failed at his parenting. You do not need to deal with that you have 3 bios of your own to worry about. Lock your stuff down. She makes a mess? "DH can you clean your mess, please? Oh its Feral Princesses? Can you please clean it?Now? Thanks!!!!"
Dont bring ANYTHING up to him. Just focus on your kiddos. Pretty soon, He will see how much better behaved and respectful they are, and then he will put his whole body in the sand and pretend shes not horrible.
I'm ready to disengage and
I'm ready to disengage and just be done, but I know that will make DH angry.
Well, so what? You're angry now, right? Maybe he needs to feel the pain in order to change anything.
I think it's odd that he compares you to his ex. Sounds like she had enough of his lack of parenting and left. Why does he think you won't leave? Or does he really think he's that great a catch?
AND, your kids are watching. They are learning that it's ok to be mistreated and dumped on and bear the brunt of a man's anger. That's not what you want for them.