No one ever taught my skids right from wrong, basic common manners, caring about others... they are soulless
I love my 16 yr old twin step-boys... but I hate the people they have become. They are the very example of spoiled rotten selfish, self-absorbed brats. They get anything they want (cars, money, clothes, whatever). They do nothing to earn it. Their mom buys them anything they want and if DH had the money, he would too. No one ever teaches them right from wrong, there are little, lip-service consequences for their actions, they care about no one but themselves. No one. No even each other. It's all about them, what they want, what they get, what they are so sure they are entitled to. They have jobs, don't care about grades, have just 1 friend (who tells them what jerks they are). I'm embarrassed by them, ashamed to have them around my hard-working, down-to-earth family. DH's family thinks they are spoiled rotten too. Their step-dad (since they were 5) is dying from cancer and even that hasn't made them grow hearts. Only 2 people think they are wonderful... BM and DH.
Yesterday was DH's birthday. They ditched him to go to their friend's house. They got him no present, no card, I had to text one to remind him to tell DH happy birthday. I planned a big thing for Sunday, taking DH and the boys to a concert DH loves. His favorite dinner, etc. The boys of course have no money but instead of helping DH with Christmas lights, bringing down boxes, mowing the grass, making a card, anything - even cooking if I buy food for them to cook... nothing. But they had the nerve to ask DH if they could invite 4 or 5 friends over tonight and have a party in our back yard and DH needs to go buy stuff for their party. And tomorrow they can't be here all day because BM scheduled her family Christmas portrait (on our time). Of course the boys see nothing wrong with all this and feel no guilt or embarrassment about their dad's day. And when I said something to them, I'm an evil bitch and a nag and they don't care. But can I go to the store or give them money because they want ham for lunch, not PB&J or anything we have in the house already. Because of course, that's what I'm good for. Ummm, hell no.
And DH and I are fighting because yesterday one of them wanted to borrow my car to go on a date. His mom has his car because he got bad grades (shocker that she actually punished him and for longer than a day). It's our only working vehicle and they aren't on our insurance and when I told DH I wasn't comfortable when SS driving the car, DH went off on how I never do anything for his kids (I'm the one funding their Christmas, do their laundry, go to their games, etc). He'll go buy them a car himself (with what money? I can't even afford surgery I need or the dentist). And his kids hate me. That one slapped me in the face. So why am I sacrificing and putting up with all this and even trying? I know DH is hurt and disappointed his kids couldn't care less about him and he's desperately trying to earn their love. But I'm tired of being the target of his pain.
I'm trying to bite my tongue because it's his birthday. I'm trying to be a good wife. I'm trying to just detach from the boys and not let this stuff bother me. But it hurts. FML. I never asked for any of this, these aren't my kids.
Haha! Your DH would hate me
Haha! Your DH would hate me then. Seriously, love the whole emotional blackmail thing, because if that had been me who had been physically assaulted by a skid then hell would freeze over before they entered my home and had the opportunity to abuse me again.
I can see you are trying your best, but what for?!! You talk about only BM and DH pandering to these boys, but tbh to a degree so are you. I can understand why, because you want to better your family and hope to get through to these boys but it is not working. Nor will it ever. However, going to games, giving them gifts, doing their laundry IS pandering to their self entitled, spoilt, aggressive arses. You might as well have held their hand while they hit you! Plus your DH has some nerve accusing you of not caring, from where I am sitting, you do. Too much.
So if you want things to change, then stop doing these things. I only give to people who deserve my time, attention and my money. These "children" are nearly fully grown and thanks cost nothing, neither does a little thought and good manners. If BM and DH want to continue feeding their attitudes then they should carry on, ultimately its not your problem as these children arent your responsibility (although I know you want to help them). These boys dont respect you so wont listen or take you seriously, and its little wonder they dont appreciate a single thing you have CHOOSEN to do for them when their dad is a shining example of unappreciativeness. If DH doesnt even know how lucky he is to have you considering all you do, then why are you still doing this? You are rowing against the tide and all you are achieving is resentment towards your partner and situation, which hurts. So stop hurting yourself and start demanding some respect from your partner and skids. Dont ask for it.
Oh no, I meant slapped
Oh no, I meant slapped metaphorically. If he had slapped me physically, DH would've had to pull me off that kid because I would've beat his ass. I'm old school.
You are right... I am the only one who cares. I do love them and it feels like detaching is giving up on them. But I know at 16, they are who they are going to be. I married DH when they were 13, far beyond any age that I had any real influence on them. I have tried and tried. Anything I do that's normal parenting is met with aggression and defensiveness. DH knows they are crappy little people and he's got a lot of guilt for being a very lazy parent when it comes to parenting (but he is involved and at all their games, asks about the days, etc - just not the important stuff like morals, schoolwork, how to treat others, work ethic, etc). He was a EOW dad until they were 12 and he never learned to go from "fun, cool" dad every other weekend to 50% time parenting dad. He left all that to the BM and she did a horrible job obviously and now we're all paying the price, especially the boys. They are so ill-equipped to deal with life. They will never make it out the world on their own. I want to save them but I know I can't. I know no one wants me to. They certainly don't want a parent now when they've never really had one before who was willing to put in the hard work, hours and love and tears I was willing to do. DH is lucky to have a woman who loves sons so much and he's an idiot for not seeing that.
I will give that book a try, THANK YOU!!! Thank you for responding.... feels so alone at times and when you post and feel invisible it just reinforces feeling alone. Thank you for responding.
So DH let the boys have their
So DH let the boys have their party. 5 teens in the backyard. I caught them in our bar earlier looking at bottles. I told them to stop. They didn't. I told DH, he went and and told them "don't do that, it worries me". Great parenting. So he lights fires for them outside, runs to get them sticks for their smores, takes them a radio they can blast and when they come inside and whine that it doesn't work right, daddy jumps up to fix it. Now he going to make them all cookies. Shame on me for not kissing their asses too when they couldn't care less about him. But I'm the bad guy. I respect my DH less every day.