Need some advice
Ok, I'm new here but I need to get some advice/vent about what i'm dealing with currently. I will try to make it as short as possible. My stepkids are 19 and 17 and i have been in their life for 16 years. They come over regularly (my stepdaughter, 17) comes over every weekend and we take family vacation etc. In other words, they are every part of this household. Despite that, we have had to go over and above to counteract all the negative things their biomom says about us. She has always badmouthed us in front of the kids their entire life. (and just to be clear, my husband and his ex were separated long before I met him). The ex is so wrapped up in anger and jealousy, i guess. So anyway, when my stepson graduated high school, part of my husband's child support was lifted and now only pays his ex for his daughter, and now the biomom is mad as hell, which means she has been calling a lot, both me and my husband, cussing us out, etc. In addition to the child support he pays, we have always done more, like take them school shopping, take them on nice vacations every year, bought their laptops, etc. Well, a year ago, we bought my stepdaughter a car and put her on our auto insurance (which isn't cheap!)--which she NEVER even said thank you for (she never says thank you for anything we do for her). Well, since the child support was lifted to pay for only one child, my stepdaughter posted on her facebook, "who else's dad is a piece of sh-t, cause mine sure is". I could NOT believe she did this! I know her biomom has A LOT to do with it because i can only imagine what kind of garbage she is saying to her! My husband's heart is broken and i feel so bad for him. I think though that he should go pick that car up, but he says, if he goes and takes the car, he might lose his daughter forever. He has tried to talk to her since this all happened but she won't answer his calls. I have a facebook, so i sent her a message explaining to her that her dad loves her and didnt' deserve to be disrespected and also explained to her all the things we do for her and her brother and she responded with things her mother would say. I just don't know what to do because i am adamant that he go take her car. Any thoughts?
I am in line with your
I am in line with your thinking. Go take the car and let her learn that it is a privilege that can be taken away when her behavior is not up to par.
Your DH should also be having a chat with his attorney about good old BM talking finances with the still minor child.
Thanks for your response.
Thanks for your response. The ex has always involved them and told them things they have no business knowing. My stepdaughter sent our daughter (12) a message stating that she wouldn't be seeing her anymore because of their piece of sh-t dad which made my daughter cry her eyes out. Then she sent another message to her (which i was able to intercept) stating that she "deserved" more than what she got in child support. It's rediculous. And i can go get the car anytime i want really because it is in MY name but i don't think that should be my decision. This has caused a big problem between me and my husband
So she is emotionally and
So she is emotionally and psychologically abusing your BD? And she still has the car?!? Repo. Do not wait. If it is in your name this is one of those times step kids get to figure out DAMN my step parent does have a way to punish me, with or without parental consent.
Yep. still has the car.
Yep. still has the car. this happened a week ago, and initially, my husband was ready to go over there and get the car. then he said he was going to get it tomorrow, then tomorrow rolled around and then he said he'd wait til the weekend, etc, etc. Its a week later and he still has done nothing. So not only am I mad at my SD, but i'm pretty ticked at him as well. This is part of the SD problem, she's never had to face consequences to any of her actions. I've explained to my husband that he is doing her no favors by not discipling her for doing what she did. And god knows, if that would have been my daughter.....all hell would've broken loose, however, my daughter (18) would never do such a thing because she was raised to treat people with respect!
Stop waiting for him to do
Stop waiting for him to do it. Go get it. Give it to your 18 yo, sounds like she deserves it far more!
I know i need to but if i go
I know i need to but if i go get it against his will, we will have even more problems....uggghhh. Maybe he just wants me to be the "bad guy". i don't know.
Go get YOUR car - that is
Go get YOUR car - that is complete bullshit. SD will learn from you, if not her parents!!! but just so she learns, is my thought on it.
I have done similar to my SD, but she never got as much as a car from me, more cellphone, vacations, etc. Trust me, she will get the message once it costs her.
The only time I've directly
The only time I've directly disciplined my SSs was when they were mean to my SO. I took their laptops (that I paid for). I told them no one would be mean to a friend of mine while I stood by and let it happen. And I told my SO the same thing. He respected and appreciated me for standing up for him in a situation where he didn't have it in his heart to stand up for himself. I'm positive he would do the same for me. The skids were annoyed but couldn't help but agree with my justification. They haven't repeated the behavior. I'd like to think they got the message but who knows.
Ok. Just had a big blowout
Ok. Just had a big blowout with the husband. He said he still plans on getting the car but it is her only way to school and it wouldn't be "right" to do it now because she lives outside of the district her school is in. I say....NOT OUR PROBLEM! Let her mother figure out how to get her to school. God i'm sick of his excuses! We have been together for 16 years and this seriously may be the straw that broke the camel's back!
You're exactly right! I told
You're exactly right! I told him the other day when he said he might lose his daughter forever if he takes the car. My response to him was "you never had her to begin with!". He is just really hurt and grasping at straws and does not know what he's doing. And, yes, she is 17 but i know that her mom has A LOT to do with her actions. I have been told by people who know his ex that she constantly badmouths me and my husband in front of the kids and has done so for years. Her own husband has even admitted it to me and said he has to walk out of the room when she does that. She also talks trash about my 18 year old daughter who has grown into a great young adult, goes to college, has a job, PAYS for her car.
Let her keep the car, but cut
Let her keep the car, but cut off the insurance immediately. Stop paying for her to treat you this way. As for the car, consider it an expensive lesson...Let he mom figure out the insurance her big mouth caused this mess.
Well, since the car is in my
Well, since the car is in my name, i have to have it insured. I definitely will NOT sign it over to her.
If it is in your name then
If it is in your name then you need to go get it. Otherwise, just gift her the car. Sign the title over to her and cancel her insurance and be done with it. Call the vehicle a loss and a lesson learned. But stop indulging her and your DH by paying for the insurance. Every day that you are paying for it you are telling her it is okay to treat you and your husband like meal tickets. That is not acceptable.
I have spoken to my daughter
I have spoken to my daughter (18) who is wise beyond her years and she told me i should just forget about it and let my husband deal with it. It is not worth it to let this disrespectful, unappreciative little girl to come between me and my husband. It is, afterall, his relationship with his daughter, and I just have let him deal with it how he sees fit. It amazing me how sometimes a parent can learn a lot from an 18 year old. So proud of that girl!
The car is in your name so
The car is in your name so you are legally responsible for anything that occurs while SD is driving that car. Are you ready to be sued if she has an accident? Can you afford to pay for repairs when she damages someone's property while driving?. My SO is being sued because his truck caused damage to a fence and side of a porch. SO let his son take the truck to the movies and skid decided to show off for some girls. Both BM and the police told him - your truck, your responsibility. Please, please protect yourself!! If your DH wants her to have a car then let him BUY it from you and then put it in her name. Let BM pay for the insurance. You are risking too much to let someone who is hostile to your family drive YOUR car.
Thanks for all the input.
Thanks for all the input. It's given me a lot to think about.
I think its a good idea to
I think its a good idea to sign the car over, pay her a little extra in child support. Have her mom pay Insurance and upkeep on the car. It is due for new tires now. The only issue I have is that little girl wont have to face consequences for her actions.
Well this whole situation
Well this whole situation started about MONEY. The ex wants to take him back to court and if she does, we will have to hire an attorney etc. She probably would be awarded more money anyway because she lies about her income. She has only a part-time job but she has a house cleaning business that pay her cash which she doesn't include in her income--no proof of it so it doesn't exist. Also, she is married but files as if she's separated, head of household so she can get the earned income credit and gets back THOUSANDS in refunds every year. And, yes, i do plan on turning her in on that but the courts won't even look at that when determining child support because i've already consulted with an attorney about that. I'm telling you, this woman is a real piece of work!
I have. Apparently, he and
I have. Apparently, he and the ex have been talking today and have worked out a new child support amount that they both agreed on, except BM stated she did not want the car and insurance used as a tool in their CS agreement so he agreed. So they are going to the courthouse tomorrow to make it official and once that's done, he's taking the car. He told her he would not use it as a bargaining tool to come to a financial CS settlement, but he didn't tell her that he would use that car as disciplinary tool so she's gonna be one mad bitch when after the paperwork is filed, he's taking the car anyway. And again, what kind of mother would allow her to post something like that about her dad to begin with. He has always been made out to be some kind of deadbeat dad when he has never been. It may sound dirty but karmas a bitch. He will tell his daughter when she learns how to treat him with respect, she may get the car back but for now she is going to have to deal with the consequences of what she's done. Proud of him for that. And, you know how facebook works, so all our mutual friends, friends of mine, were able to see what she wrote on there about her dad. I've had friends call me and ask what was going on but they all know how they all are, but still, its awful for your family drama to be broadcast all over facebook.
And again, THANK YOU ALL SO
And again, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for commenting and making suggestions. It is a great place to go where other people are in the same types of situations and can really relate. It has helped me A LOT today. Luv to all!
Update: DH and crazy ex went
Update: DH and crazy ex went to finalize their cs settlement at the court, however, while they were there, she wanted in put into the agreement that he could not use the car as punishment, and of course, DH would not agree so no agreement was made. We then went with a police officer to get the car and it was gone. They are hiding the car now. BUT they cannot hide it forever. We are going to go back over there later tonight and try to get it again. My husband goes out of town for work tomorrow so I really hope we can get it tonight somehow and if not, i will tell them that if the car is not returned by a certain time, i will report it stolen.
well, we got the car tonight.
well, we got the car tonight.
Good for you. Sell it
Good for you. Sell it immediately and don't ever make this mistake again with her. She has to earn these types of privileges...
So we went and got the car,
So we went and got the car, which i must say was very painful to do. When we got home, DH texted SD and explained to her that he was taking the car as punishment for her actions and that there are consequences for how she acts. He told her that when she was ready to talk to him about this situation, she could earn the car back. He also told her that having a car was a privilege and not a right. She never texted him back. He then texted the ex and told her the same thing. She responded with "keep the car, see you in court". Today, I looked at my SD facebook and saw that the post she had made about DH a week ago was finally removed from her wall. I informed my husband of this and he texted SD and thanked her for taking the post down. About 15 minutes later, his ex texted him and told him that SHE was the one who deleted the post not SD and to leave them alone. I feel so sick about this whole situation. I'm sure they are teaming up and hating on us even more than ever before. It's so sad and parental alienation should be considered a crime and child abuse because that is exactly what it is. My husband has worked his ass off to provide for all of us and it just seems the good guy always loses in the end.
I wouldn't worry about it
I wouldn't worry about it anymore. It is their problem. No judge will admonish a dad for handing down an effective punishment. It keeps the kids out of their courtroom. They actually appreciate it when someone steps up to parent.
I agree with those who say
I agree with those who say let her have the car, sign it over. To me it usually comes down to the choice...will you let them pull you in so you stoop to their levels when they are behaving like this or are you going to take the high road. Regardless of paperwork you obviously provided the car, I'd suggest sign it over to her, be done with that. Cancel the insurance. Pay no more, provide no more support enough is enough. You and your DH have to pull together on this.....we have a college student 20 year old. We love him dearly but he is an ungrateful, selfish inconsiderate young man with a very strong sense of entitlement. His bio Mom has helped create this hand out to Dad mentality. My DH finally has been hurt one too many times and bless him said to his son and the bio Mom...all I am is a checkbook to you. He now has pulled back from paying for anything...its killing him .but Its the right thing to do, he feels better in a way and I think the only way this boy will ever truly respect us is if we say no more! Good luck. At these ages tough love is sometimes all we can do. It is up to us to show them that it really isn't all about them...otherwise the real world doesn't owe them a thing and is going to chew them up and spit them out!!!! You have the support of the rest of us. Cut her off!!!!!!!
Christy
Goodstepmom.com
I agree except for I don't
I agree except for I don't think he "stooped" to their level by making his daughter pay a consequence for her bad behavior. I think it was appropriate punishment and I have no problem signing the car over but I don't think now is the time to do it. It would be like, okay, we took your car but now its yours for keeps. No lesson would be learned from that.
Years ago, in my first
Years ago, in my first marriage-I had a teenage sd. She lived primarily with her mom, but when she was 17 she came to live with us. My dh purchased a car for her use as soon as she got here. We live in a rural area-so it is really diffiuclt to not have a car around here. Well, within a month her mother came to the area and stayed with relatives-sd started staying over there. Dh had told her straight up that he was able to buy this car for her use because he no longer would be paying a cs payment with her living there and he took that money and put it on the car and insurance. He also told her once she graduated high school-he'd sign it over to her and she could do whatever she liked with it.
Well, she went to her mom's family and was supposed to come back the next day (she had a job here)-she never came home. Not that day, nor the next, nor the next, or the one after that. Obviously got let go of her job. After day 6, and her not coming back, nor even telling dh exactly where she was (family was about an hour away)he'd had enough. After some investigative work we located her aunt-drove down to the house at midnight-I turned off my lights, rolled by the house, dropped him off and he eased the car out of the driveway and left. We brought the thing home. We had a call on our answering machine before we got home with her screaming at him-but blaming me. He told her that she was not upholding her end of the bargain so he wasnt going to uphold his.
Her bm DID take us to court to try and increase her cs, get money set aside for college, and demand the car back. The judge denied the increase (we actually went on her 18th bday), told her he was not going to order funds for college as he didnt see her as reliable enough to attned college, and that court did not have the authority to transfer property. It was a nice moment.
I nor dh never felt bad for taking the car. It was a privilege. Neither of us like being used. Did she get over it? Yeah, eventually she did. She was not and still is not a particularly nice individual and whether she had the car or not that wasnt going to change. At some point you have to make a decision to stop doing things for people that treat you like shit. You have to have more self respect. It is also a valuable life lesson for her (of course she probably wont get it)that if you shit on people then they wont do things for you anymore.
Apparently, BM is going to
Apparently, BM is going to try to find her a car to buy. She'll be the hero and we'll be the bad guys. Only strengthens the PAS. Good for her. I hate to see what kind of woman she will grow up to be.