Need help with stepdaughter relationship
Im 29 years old and I'm with a man who is 45. When I was 26 I moved accross the country to live with my now fiance and his daughter who was 11 at the time. I have never dated anyone with a child and I grew up basically as an only child and so it was already a weird transition for me. When she was 11 it was easier. She was silly, playful, and fun to be around, but now at 14....she so sensitive, and insecure I have no relationship with her. Before you jump on me and say "well shes a teenager...let her be" i get it. I know shes a teenager. I know the insecurity. But this is another level and one that is ruining my rtelationship with her dad I feel. For instance, if we are at the store and she sees someone she knows...she literally HIDES. Shes at her mom's half the time and then at our house half the time and whats more concerning is that every time she comes over she's extremely awakward. she doesnt talk. she doesnt hang out. nothing. She thinks I (and everyone else) hates her. Its like for her to feel welcome, Id have to throw her a party every time she comes to our house. I DO spend time with her 1 on 1. Shopping, lunches, dinner, etc....and she will come over the next day as if nothing had ever happened and I hate her again. She doesnt talk. Doesnt hang out. Nothing. For the first year I could handle it but now im SO TIRED of having to "prove myself." I feel like im in the movie 50 First Dates where every day is brand new and you have to start over.
I get that teens are insecure, but shouldnt her parents be helping her work through it? It's not normal to constantly have to prove yourself to someone. I dont have to do that with my friends. I'm definitley not perfect but i know im not the cause of this. She has issues with her friends in the same way. They have a lot of fall outs in that she will be friends with them one week but not the next because she's jealous of their other friendships or feels like they dont like her because they arent giving her enough attention.
My fiance and I get into it because I feel he's just chalking it up to her being "a kid" but i also feel like this would be the time for her to start to learn how to manage the insecurity and start actually trying to actively be better.
She may just have some degree
She may just have some degree of social anxiety and a lot of time this shows up more in the middle school timeframe. I have seen my own SD go from being outgoing and fun to overly concerned about what her peers think about every thing she does. As for proving yourself, just stop that. Be who you are, be polite and be supporative but you have nothing to prove, she will choose to accept you or not simply based on her own ideas of how she sees you.
Thanks
Thank you and im trying to give her leeway but what really irks me is that my SO blames ME for the reason she isnt talkative. he says I make the whole house uncomfortable. I dont agree. I see her walk into other family's houses and shes outgoing and smiley and then she comes to ours where I have been nothing but supportive and polite to her and shes a different person. Im just tired of being blamed for it.
Also the change in
Also the change in friendships is very common for young teengers. But there just may be anxiety that has presented itself as she has went through puberty.
but what really irks me is
but what really irks me is that my SO blames ME for the reason she isnt talkative.
He blames you but yet he isn't actively doing anything to remedy the situation.
He says I make her uncomfortable because im not 'approachable."
Has he given you examples of how you make her uncomfortable and why he thinks your not approachable? It's like he's putting all her awkwardness on you and saying she's just a "teenager" is BS. If he's going to blame you he needs to have facts and come up with solutions to fix this.
It's always so easy to blame someone and not look internally for what he and BM may not be doing to address this childs issues.
Dont Coddle
There have been times im not as patient with her as he is. Like i think he lets her get away with a lot of stuff that i just dont. For instance, she's turning 14 tomorrow and still cant make a sandwhich so I know ive looked at her at times like...wtf? Or he placates a lot of her insecurities/feeds into them and im a little more harsh...well....i wouldnt say harsh...i jsut dont typically feed into it.
Example: shes trying to run an under 8 minute mile for vball and she hasnt reached that goal yet. So SO was telling her that if she gets up every morning and runs she will be "in shape" -meaning in shape to run under 8 minutes...NOT meaning your body will be in shape. She immediately goes: "wait so you dont think im in shape!?" and he was feeding into what she said and trying to make her feel better. truthfully though she does that for attention because she knows damn well he's not calling her fat. This comes up A LOT. I dont placate her. If she asks me if i think she's fat I ask her "how do you feel in your body?...do you feel good?" and make it more about what shes doing for herself health wise.
Thats just one example of many in how I probably make her uncomfortable because I dont react like her parents do and "coddle" her. I wasnt coddled as a child so I kind of have that approach haha
Ok so the problem here is
Ok so the problem here is that your H needs to understand the difference between him coddling/enabling her and you not feeding into that behavior. You respond in ways that help her to use critical thinking skills hence "how do you feel about your body"? You're not demeaning or insulting her but simply showing her to think for herself and that being more independent benefits her. The whole not knowing how to make a sandwich is baffling to me at 14. My son is the same age and the kid cooks and by cook, I mean pasta dishes, meatloaf, you name it. I won't even get into what a great breakfast he throws down
If SD is not taught these basic skills she's f@cked and its your H/BM doing.