Agree with Sally: "decide if you still love this man giving you such a ridiculous ultimatum, if not, walk out file for divorce." The girls (SDs) have been given ALL of the power in this situation, and like the children they are, they are going to enjoy playing games with all of the power they've been given by adults, who should clearly know better. They are going to especially like taunting expendable SM. No SM SHOULD EVER be put in that situation--to be a puppet to someone else's divorce. No man is worth putting up with that for any length of time. No, your husband does not have your back. If he had your back, he'd be putting his ex- and his children in their place. He'd be dealing with his ex- alone, and he'd be telling his children you can come over when YOU start treating my wife respectfully.

Your husband is in for a miserable life if he keeps letting his daughters/ex- control his life. It is not a question of wife vs. kids. It is a question of an adult acting like an adult and being a parent to his kids.

They are little liars but YOU have to fix your relationship with them?

Sounds kind of contradictory, you say he had your back but then he gives you this ultimatum?

He needs to get his daughters in line and that's what I would tell him.

WTF? Tell him to fix it himself or you're out. They are his daughters, not yours. They're guesses of your house so if without your approval your husband can't and shouldn't bring them into the house. Since he put down the ultimatum you can do the same. From what I see he has no back bone standing up to his daughters so he throws you under the bus instead.

A.

Your DH is being an a$$. Here's how you "fix" this.

DISENGAGE.

Do NOTHING for them. They are HIS kids, so they are HIS responsibility. My skids like premade, frozen icky stuff so I get carryout or go out to eat while they eat crap.

And NEVER be alone with them. If you're all in the same room and your DH leaves it, immediately follow. Then you can say "But DH, you were there every moment I was around the skids. I was polite and NEVER said anything negative."

You also need to ask yourself why your DH has suddenly flip-flopped like this. Is divorce what he truly wants and he now has an excuse to pursue it?

See , I wouldn't be under the same roof with them ever again. If a minor lies about you, and an adult in their life believes them, well, that's a recipe for getting arrested and/or CPS coming to your house. No. Thank. You.

First of all there's no "our" family, it's HIS family. Those are his girls and he needs to deal with them and nip it in the bud. You'll never be able to "fix" those girls, their lies, their dislike of you. Your relationship with them could be mutually respectful if HE did HIS part. He has to be their parent instead of a friend. He also has to be your husband and protector rather than letting his girls use you as a doormat.

I would never allow my kids to lie about or disrespect DH in any way. They would be set straight real fast. They know that they are going to grow up and LEAVE the nest while DH and I continue on. I have to parent my kids, most of whom are in their teens, it's a daily constant issue.

I feel for you, that's not much of a marriage if DH can so glibly throw you under the bus. Sally is right, men say these kind of things because they are idiots. It sounds like he's pulling a power play on you. I know this is the cliche answer but marriage counseling would be really helpful here. An outside party telling our DH what an ass he is may be what he needs to hear.

my husband has me on a deadline to "fix" the relationship.

Well, this just gets better and better. Give him a deadline to get his brats straightened out.

He is being ridiculous, his kids are the one with the problem. I wonder if there is something else going on with him?

It easier for him to pull you in line then it is too pull them in line. Plus it hurts less.

I'm in a similar situation of getting blamed as the partner doesn't want to deal with the skids behavior. F*#¥ that...

And these skids are 21 and 20. You have been given a glimpse of your future if you do not address this now.

"My husband says if I can't fix the relationship I hAve with his daughters he will divorce me....."

End of marriage. Call the locksmith immediately and have the locks rekeyed. Inform DH that he and his spawn are gone and no longer welcome. Move on, take this asshole for everything you can, he has clearly put you in your place in his life and it is not as his equity life partner and priority. The marriage should be the unequivocal priority for him and for you and he is failing as your equity life partner. Leave this idiot and his toxic crotch pukes in your rear view mirror and take care of yourself.

Never again settle for a partner who will not make you as important as they are to you and never accept anyone who will not make you their equity life partner.

This idiot is not worth your time, emotion, or effort. Cut he and his crotch turds loose.

" my husband has me on a deadline to "fix" the relationship. not quite sure when this deadline will be"

And yet another example of why it is time to put this asshole and his toxic spawn in your past. This marriage is over and if you insist on keeping it on life support you are choosing your own misery.

Take care of yourself. Let him suffer his choices. Rekey the locks, file for divorce, lock up the assets, let he and his idiot children enjoy living a toxic life together without your presence, resources, or help.

Good luck.

First of all, your husband needs to have your back! Kids are kaniving and if they do not see a united front w you and their dad they will pounce & seize any opportunity they can for attention. If I were you I would call them out in front of bm and dad and nip that shit in the bud. If they see they get attention through lying they are just going to do it again, they need to have consequences for their actions and then keep it moving. The most important thing is to be a team w your husband ! Good luck

Do not under any circumstances kowtow to these grown 'kids'. If DH doesn't like it, say you are willing to divorce!!

Sally has it right above, in the first comment - read that over and over!

Don't EVER let him think can treat you this way - get mad, and stand up for yourself!!! His little 'ultimatum' is some straight bullshit!!!!

Just say this to him, call his bluff!!! It really cannot get worse than it is!!!!

I also like Sally's answer. I wish this forum had a like button.

After all the drama and lying around here lately, I came home Wednesday evening and SD14 called down the stairs to her dad, "Dad, did you ask her?" He looks at me and says, "Oh yeah, can she use your hair dryer?" When I answered no, he looked unhappy. Well, I was pretty unhappy that he would even ask. Under the circumstances, I thought he would have known to just tell her no in the first place. When he asked me why she couldn't use it, I said that I did not want her to touch anything that belongs to me. END OF STORY!

Yesterday, when the temperature dropped and it got pretty chilly in the house, she came downstairs from the shower with a wet head. She had to go to mommy's house to dry and flat iron her hair. Her father drove her over there. Oh well. Start acting like a reasonable, respectful human being, and then we'll talk. I have big doubts that that will ever happen, so I'm doing my best to stay disengaged. It's definitely made things less stressful for me. Not completely stress-free, but it's better.

I also agree that you don't want to be home alone with them. It can make things inconvenient, but you don't want to be home alone with anyone who makes false accusations.

Almost over? LOL! We are getting married this coming Saturday!

I don't think she has her own blow dryer or flat iron at her mom's house either. I'm pretty sure she uses her mom's. But none of that is my problem.

A blow dryer for Christmas is an excellent idea. Of course, I don't do the Christmas shopping for her, but I will suggest it to her dad. I guess she will be going to bed with a wet head until then. She didn't really seem to care until very recently, when she started high school. Now she has her head partly shaved and she keeps changing the color. Whatever.

Coming late to the party but I have to tell you I HAVE told my teen sd "this is my house" or "these are my rules in my house" or some version of that 3 or 4 times starting since we got married when she was 13. Now she's 16. About once a year I end up saying it to her.

There is not a damn thing wrong with saying this to a kid. Not. a. damn. thing.

Is it or is it not true? Is it your house? or are you some kind of part time employee on probation no less?

The one issuing ultimatums should have been you. "Get your kid in line or I can't live here." This is absolutely not on you to "fix" with the kid. It is on HIM and BM to RAISE her.

If you can find a marriage counselor who is not drinking some funky kool aid about kids, then offer that to your dh. If that's a non-starter, consider this whole train wreck over. You are chasing after your husband and he is making you chase after a bratty lying 14 year old. Exactly how do you think you can win that and what do you think your prize will be?

Screw gettng married to this moron!! Give me a ridiculous ultimatum like that and I will drop kick your ass directly into sunset. Good bloody grief, woman! Do NOT allow him to treat you like that!!

Life is filled with many possibilities and happiness - do NOT let this twit manipulate you into forgiving his spoilt, entitled brat! Geez! You'll be unhappy for all your married days!