Just realized skids don't care about me
Hi everyone! I'm a newbie here. I'm 5 years into my 2nd marriage. Between the two of us we have 6 children ages 20 to 13. 3 are his & 3 are mine. The 20 y/o SD hasn't been to the house in over a year. That's ok with me because she caused alot of problems in our marriage. BM hates us with a passion so she is of no help whatsoever. Plus she is a psycho! So because of how BM is toward the skids I have tried to be a friend to them all these years(baking them cakes for bdays, listening to them, hanging out watching sports etc. SD(13) visits every other weekend and SS(18) drops in every once in awhile when he needs something (that's for another post).
So anyway it's taken me awhile but I am just realizing that these kids don't care at all about me. I raised my 3 children alone because bio dad ditched us so my life is very kid oriented and I enjoy being around them...until lately. I am really hurt by this realization and after reading some of the posts on here, I have decided to disengage. This will be one of the hardest things for me to do. I've tried to explain to my husband how much this hurts but he doesn't understand at all.
I'm trying very hard to stay focused on my children and this weekend will be the first time trying out my "disengagement". Thank you for listening/reading and if anyone has some advise on how to stay focused I sure would appreciate it 
Welcome to our (yucky) world!
I am sure they do like you and don't wish you were dead or anything! and maybe there are things they keep from you re. that they do like you, or maybe they just take you for granted like their own mom? So we don't know for sure, or do you, why do you say this?
But regardless, don't let it get you down. Hang with us and tell us all about it, and you will feel better. Welcome!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
disengaged
It's not as hard as it seems and you do get better at it. I found in having little hope, you don't get disapponted as much for sure.
With SD, her mother has filled her head with all kinds of nonsense of all types and she never even gave me a chance. Because of what her mother has told her about me, it has resulted in SD knowing nothing at all and it's almost funny how she will talk thinking she knows something.
DH and I agreed we would not tell her anything about me since she is how she is... and so sure she thinks she knows me, as we know she is only wanting to make trouble for us.
For instance she thinks she knows what I currently do for a living and she thinks I'm 29 because I jokingly told ss I was 29 one year on my birthday.
I am flattered she actually thinks I'm 29, ( she will be 20) but I am actually 50. I guess she believes it because her mother is the same age I am but smokes heavily, drinks and suntans and looks more like 60 than 50 so SD does not know what a good looking 50 looks like and believes I'm 29, what a trip !
more on SD...
She has even tried to yell
at me and ask me personal questions as if she were my mother and I was a child. I couldn't help it and started laughing hyterically at her. There are many other things, all delusions put into her head by her mother who wants to paint me in a bad light....
and thus SD never gave me a chance. We have NEVER had a conversation. She and her mother know NOTHING about me, nothing at all, only my name.
SD was hateful from first glance,
She took one look at me and was out to screw with me and get info so she could re-create it and hurl it back at me. She loves drama and fighting, and why she can't keep a BF.
Her attempts to get me to argue with her have been futile because since she is like that ITS EASY FOR ME TO NOT CARE or respond to anything she says. Last time I saw her she came pounding on the door with demands and I put her in her place. Upon leaving she had her tail between her legs and DH said to her: she isn't the wimp you thought she was, is she? hahaha
Maybe something to think about as why should you care about people who don't care about you ?
I have had little problem disengaging from SD....
and have no interest in relationship with her at any point because I don't trust her.
Disengaged is better than outraged for sure, so learn to get in the groove of disengagement. It's better than the other options
and far less taxing on your happiness.
I don't want to forget
you Crayon! I'm really glad I found this site. Thanks for all the encouragement!
This is definitely a crazy world
Thank you Most Evil and Tina Kay for your responses. I appreciate them. As I have read on here, my issues seem kind of mild compared to everyone else's. Unfortunately that "feeling" thing gets in the way. I understand the whole dynamic thing of skids and BM so I really try to tread lightly. My skids are very screwed up mentally. I cut SS hair not to long ago and he had to tell his mom that he got it cut at a salon. I made him a bday cake and she freaked. I don't get it! BM plays around with their heads alot. She was the one having the affair but me and DH are the bad guys. I've read that alot of people on here deal with the same crap. Anyway because of how BM treats them they are extremely sensitive so much so that I can't make any kind of comment to them that might hurt their feelings. Otherwise i'll be in big trouble. I'm very easy going and not a whole lot bothers me but to be honest i'm getting a little tired of not saying anything.
My husband and I have talked about how I think his kids don't care about me and he agrees. He tells me that I am nothing to them. I'm just the woman married to their dad. It was recently my birthday and SD(13) was over for the weekend. Bday was on a Sunday. SD stayed in her room the entire day not saying one word to me. I tried to share the day with her but she wanted no parts of it. Finally when it came time for her to go back home, it took all she had to wish me a happy bday. I know it sounds childish but to me that is a huge indication of how she really feels about me. I continually ask her to go shopping with me but she has never once gone with me in 5 years. SS now comes in the house and will gladly say hi to dad but totally ignores me. AAAAHHHHH! Makes me crazy!
I am a child of divorce and I never experienced any of these things with my stepmother. I always had a great relationship with them. I blame alot of what happens on BM because she is not supportive of DH & I at all. She got the house, boyfriend, money, car and she is still angry 6 years later! I'm going to take your advise and disengage for a bit to see what happens. Thanks again for listening!
Lucky in a sense
I'm reading the posts about the step kids and I'm soooo glad both of mine are BOYS!!! I don't know if I wouyld be able to deal with SD's
"And this too shall pass..."
Hi clc,
Sorry to hear that you're just coming to this realization about your Skids now- 5 years into the marriage. It sucks to know that kids don't think of you as anything more than "that woman dad married?", doesn't it?
I am in a simialr situation to yours. We have been married for 5 years as well and have 5 kids between the two of us (2 boys are mine and 3 girls are his). I basically raised my two boys myself as a single mom, even when I was married!
Having a background in education, kids always graviate toward me, and I was excited about having GIRLS when I met my DH. Unfortunately, their BM filled their head with all sorts of UGLY stuff about me- and it forever damaged the relationships we would have. They were brainwashed, plain and simple.
Even though I came into the picture after they were divorced (and BM left my DH for another man) I was treated as "the other woman". And still am to this day. I am blamed for BMs money problems, her troubles in her new marriage (which is ending)- everything. The happier DH & I are, the nastier BM gets with her bad-mouthing about us to the girls. Six years later, the damage is irrepairable.
So what did I do? I disengaged. I pretty much will be civil, will smile and cook for them (hey, I'm cooking for my boys, anyway!) But ALL my energies are concentrated on MY BOYS and MY DH.
The girls are now 18 (she's in college and lives away, so it's gotten a little easier), 17 (this one's the most difficult) and 13. The two younger ones are here 50% of the time and theres' a lot of drama to contend with because of their BM (you can read my blogs about that!).
But again, I try to put all my positive energies on my boys, my DH, and the things I love- like my teaching. I gave up on knowing that I will have a close relationship with the SDs- that ship sailed long ago. Oh well, maybe when my son gets married, I'll have a nice DIL! (one can only dream)
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
That is too funny
5teensathome! We always say we're the outtakes of the brady bunch. That would be a pretty sweet set-up. Well actually DH has it like that, i'm the live-in maid and Bio Dad hasn't been seen or heard from in years. So it's sort of like he's dead LOL!
I guess what makes it even tougher is BD19 is away at college. I thought having SD around would be cool since it's me, DH, BS18 & BS15. Also now that SD is 13 soon to be 14 she is totally into herself. Plus to throw more into the loop, my youngest BS15 has Down Syndrome so of course SD wants no parts of that.
Stuknaz be glad you have the boys. They are soooo much easier to deal with although my SS18 totally ignores me now. At least he's not flaunting the junior boobs like the SD13 is...put those things away please!
Photography is my outlet and now that the weather is nice I think i'll be spending alot more time outdoors :)! Enjoy your day!
Ok- we have MORE in common than you know!
My oldest BS18 has Downs, too! (How's that for a small world?)
Which is why I said I put ALL my energies into "my boys". I do Special Olympics with him (Track, basketball) and my younger son,15 volunteers as well. So we pretty much "do our own thing" anyway!
The girls, although they are pretty accepting of my son, just aren't "into" the boy stuff (and who can blame them) and the boys aren't into the girly stuff, either (dance, plays, etc). When they were younger, we used to encourage everyone to attend each other's events, but now- it's just easier to let them go off and do their own thing.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Wow that is a crazy coincidence!
Now i'm really glad I found this site! How is DH with him? My DH struggles quite a bit with my son. He told me a few months ago that he actually hated coming home because of my son. Damn near killed me! Since telling me that he has tried to be alot more accepting of him. My son is very laid back but he's loud when he plays video games and he hugs & kisses me alot and that drives DH crazy. My skids are not affectionate at all. If you touch them they stiffen up. It's really bizarre. Anyway older BS has a girlfriend and a job so he's not home much and BD is away at college.
Needless to say it sounds like we are in the same boat and i'm glad I have all of you to vent with.
My DH with BS
And first of all, let me clarify...I can't believe I told you he was 18...he just turned 19 in March! Crap, I'm old
Anyway, my DH is simply wonderful with him. One of the MANY reasons I fell in love with him from the start. I had, as I'm sure you might have, a lot of BAD experiences with men as I was dating- having to have "that" conversation about having a child with special needs.
I actually met one man who it seemed really liked me at one point. He knew I had two sons. We finally decided to make things "exclusive" and go away together, so before we did, I decided to tell him about my son. I told him in the restaurant before we left for the weekend. He had this really weird look on his face and then I said I needed to use the rest room. When I got back...he was gone.
He called me later and said he wasn't expecting that- it was just too much for him. And even though I was pissed at the time, I guess I had to respect him at one level- he could have just used me over the weekend and THEN never called!
Anyway, when I met my DH, it was once again TIME to have "that" conversation and I was a nervous wreck. I really like this guy and I thought he liked me. So I told him in the restaurant. He could see I was upset (a little teary-eyed) and he said to me, "Well, I don't know that much about Down Syndrome, but I'm willing to learn." I think I fell in love with him right there!
And then he said, "Now I have a secret to tell you," and I thought I was going to fall on the floor.
WTF? He used to be a woman? He dresses in woman's clothes? DEAR GOD- I can't take any more!!!
He smiled and said, "I take ballroom dancing lessons. It's pretty embarrassing, so I don't tell many people- only my closest friends."
Now I KNEW this guy was something special.
Anyway, it WAS an adjustment period for DH to learn about my son, but now, I think he gets along with him GREAT. Both my boys and my DH are HUGE sports fans, so they go to games together, watch them on TV and are always talking sports. And since DHs girls could really care less about sports, it's nice for DH to have that- it's something he would have missed out on if we didn't have our blended family, because his ex and the girls really didn't care about sports at all and DH, me and the boys LOVE sports!
I actually think DH and my "special" son have an incredibly tight bond. He calls him "my Matthew"- which just absolutely melts my heart.
I'm so sorry to hear your DH is not close to your son. I really don't see how that is even possible with "our kids", you know- by their nature, they are just incredibly loving. (Ok, they HAVE their moments, but overall, you know!)
And of COURSE your son is going to kiss YOU a lot- you are his mom for goodness sake. Your DH has to get over that one. It's one thing if your son goes around the community and kisses EVERYONE- obviously that is socially unacceptable. But in your home- YOU are the one person he should be comfortable with , his safety person.
Has your DH gone to any Special Olympics events? Perhaps if he's been "exposed" to more special needs individuals, he would be more accepting of their behaviors and not find them so bothersome.
Just a thought.
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
I just discovered my the same thing
My 15 sd lives with her mom, and she came out for spring break saying how horrible life was with her mother. Saying her mother was never home she never talked to her and all these things. She was wanting to live with us permanently now. So me and my husband discussed it and decided yes. We told she should finish the school year because she had moved so many times this year already.
My husband was elated, because for years she has not seemed to like me, but over the last few years we really seemed get along great. He told everyone she was coming. I was so excited as well.
Well the other day she called and told him her mom was going to wait to go into the military till after she graduated hischool. Her mom is 33 by the way. She told him her mom moved back to the town she lived before where all her friends were and she didn't want to live here with him anymore.
He was devistated by this news and he could not speak to her he just hung the phone up and cried. The next day I sent her a text and told her her mom couldn't wait for her to graduate to go into the military because she is 33 and turn 34 in sept, she would only have one year from sept to go in. She txt me back saying that was her bussiness, so I tried to call 3 times and she never answered.I text her back and told I didn't intend to make her mad Then she text me she was mad that her dad hung up on her, and that I even talked to her, and that she still hadn't hear from him.
I told her what did you expect from him he gets told every year you will move out here, and this time he thought you made a choice to be with him in his mind his last chance to have her in his life. I also said if didn't love you I would have said nothing, but I do. So excuse me for caring for you so much I will try not too.
After a while I talked to her dad who had been crying off and on since he heard the news, and told him to call her. He just couldn't talk to her he was too upset.
So I sent her another text to explain why he wasn't contacting her. I told her I asked him to call her that he can't even say her name with out crying. she got mad that I said this and text me saying to quit guilt tripping her. She does not like guilt trips. So I tried to call her 2 more times and she would not answere I left a voice mail that was urgent explaining I am not guilt tripping I am just trying to no have her upset at me. I text her to let her know I wanted her to call me back. She never called me. She ignored me, and when my husband tried to call her she ignored him too. I pulled up her call log and she had made over 18 phone calls. So I turned her cell phone off the next afternoon. She called and started yelling at me and I said nothing and hung up the phone. then my husband called and she started yelling at him about me saying i was childish and she didn't want a phone from me anyway and saying other things and he yelled and hung up on her. He then called her mother and told her he doesn't want a call from his daughter unless she intends to apolagise to us both. She still hasn't called.
He called her mom and said
this sounds very familiar
I swear we went through almost the exact thing when my SD17 was 15 - it is the age! I hope you have better luck with yours!!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin