Is it me?
Hi, I'm a stepmum to 2 teenage boys and really struggling with their behaviour. Every time they come over there is something that irritates me, I don't know if I'm justified in my feelings or if I'm the one with the issue...
The biggest issue is about food which makes dinner time super awkward... one is seriously picky to the point that we have to make them a separate meal sometimes, they regularly have issues with the food we make - making up excuses why they don't like it even though they could have eaten that dish before with no problems... sometimes they will state they don't like the food before even eating any of it... I've been told the meal was funky, they don't eat drumsticks, they don't like cupcakes, they aren't hungry and will then proceed to eat 2 ice creams... they loved it but throw the meat away... they don't like Asian food, yet we have been out for Chinese multiple times..
Other issues have been anything from them being asked to get an ice cream from the freezer and refusing... rushing in the house, barely acknowledging me and sitting on the couch where I usually sit if I'm not sitting there... not making any conversation with me after I've asked them questions... not saying please or thank you... never helping with dishes... speaking over me... the list goes on...
They never get told off and have been allowed to behave this way their whole lives, this is very different to my parenting style. I don't think we should be adjusting our lives when they are over to suit them, I think they should adapt to our lives and help out around the house with chores when asked, show some basic courtesy and respect for us and our home etc.
I'm at a loss as to how to deal with them to the point where I would rather be somewhere else when they are here. I feel so uncomfortable in the house when they are here cause they totally ignore me and don't have any respect for me in the house and act like I'm a guest in their house...
Is it me?
p.s. sorry for the long rant
It's not you
Where is your DH in all this? I wasn't the perfect step mom but if any of my SKs, 2 of whom were picky, didn't like the meal, whatever. DH would just give them fast food money. I often see the good suggestion here on Steptalk to say, "ok, make yourself a pbj".
As far as the respect to you and chores, you need to have a serious discussion with DH who is the person to enforce those issues. Even back in my childhood years, with doting grandparents, I was told, "that's Grandpa's favorite chair" when I thoughtlessly plunked down in his place. I wasn't permanently damaged and neither will be your SSs. Lol.
If your DH seems obtuse about the respect issue, ie, being polite to you, greeting you, etc, frame it as teaching them respect for the elders they will be encountering in the world, teachers, police, employers, etc. Good luck.
Soo apparently some families
Soo apparently some families didn't grow up with members of the household having unassigned assigned seats because my SO thinks it odd when I complain about SD sitting in my chair at the dining room table or my spot on the couch. I'm like really you didn't grow up like that? Because I did.
"They never get told off and
"They never get told off and have been allowed to behave this way their whole lives" is your problem, right there. It's your spouse's parenting.
On here, you will learn about disengaging: no more cooking for them or doing anything that you are now doing for them. Say hello but don't expect a reply or make any conversation. And find other things to do while they are there.
When you started off with the
When you started off with the words "teenage boys".. I figure you are off the hook.
Here are the simple solutions.
1. Dad cooks when his kids are over. It may not be right.. but kids can assign like/dislike based on who is preparing.. it might be just because you did it. dad cooks and he deals with the whining.
2. They are teenagers and fully capable of feeding themselves anyway. And.. I would ensure there are no treats.. no icecream available to them sothey can't just fill up on junk. Have hot dogs.. mac n cheese.. ramen noodles etc.. lunch meat.. rolls they can feed themselves.
you just take these days as an opportunity to relax and get served a nice meal by your hubby.
Agree and this is what I did
Agree and this is what I did and still do with picky eaters. I don't cater. If DH wants to then it's on him 100%. That includes food that is bought only for skid, usually expensive. I buy essentials only.
DH took care of the ignoring me very early on, clearly and with no doubt to the SDs so there's none of that in our home.
I stopped packing lunch for
I stopped packing lunch for SD last school year. She didn't want to do it out of laziness. She's 10 and perfectly capable of making a sandwich and putting some snacks in a lunchbox.
Now, during COVID, SD10 is totally responsible for making her own meals. She can help herself to cereal, make a sandwich, or heat up chicken nuggets/bagel bites if she doesn't like what "we" are having for dinner. Don't make it your problem. Don't make separate meals. They need to learn how to be self-suffificent. If your DH wants to baby them, then that's on him, but don't enable.
It's not you.
It's not you. I'm dealing with a very similar situation. It makes things pretty miserable when they are around...fortunately, it's only EOWE. I'm counting down the days until they decide they don't want to come over anymore. Unfortunately, BM will now force them to come over because she knows DH won't fight with them anymore. It should not be surprising that my SSs act like entitled, manipulative brats because BM herself is an entitled, manipulative brat. They learned from the best.
BM herself has a SS, who is now in failure to launch stage and whom she fights with relentlessly. BM regularly talks about wanting to kick that SS out of the house. My only hope is that both SSs are closely observing their mother to see that a SM does not owe anything to a non-contributing SKid....and that they are also observing that their stepfather is not doing much to protect his child from the wrath of the SM.