I have a huge problem...need help...

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I'M EXTREMELY SADEND BY TODAYS EVENTS. BACK STORY FIRST...I'VE BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND SINCE 2009, BEEN MARRIED SINCE LAST AUGUST. THE KIDS WERE WITH THEIR MOTHER TIL THEY STARTED COMPLAINING ABOUT HER. SEEMS TO ME SHE WAS BEING A STRICT PARENT BUT WAS KINDA IRRESPONSIBLE WITH HER OWN LIFE WHICH I GUESS MAKED THE OUTSIDERS THINK SHE PUTS THEM IN JEOPARDY. HE FOUGHT FOR HIS KIDS, AND WE'RE IN THE PROCESS OF A CUSTODY BATTLE. ME AND HIM LIVED TOGETHER, AND HAD THEM ONLY EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. IT WAS GREAT! WE ALL GOT ALONG...HAPPYNESS AND ALL, AND WHEN THEY WENT BACK ME AND HIM DID OUR THING. NOW HE GOT TEMPORARY CUSTODY MOVED TO A BIGGER APARTMENT, AND NOW THE KIDS ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT BEING OVER HERE...NOW THE MOMS HOUSE IS FUN AND OURS IS THE FREAKED UP PLACE.

I GUESS THIS KID HAD A LIFE OF CALLING HER SHOTS AND SUCH WITH HER PARENTS CAUSE I MUST ADMIT THEY PUT HER IN A POSITION WERE SHE HAD TO TAKE CARE OF HER SIBLINGS AND WHATEVER. THEY MOVED WITH US AND I TOOK OVER THE MOTHERLY ROLL. THEN I SEEN A CHANGE. SHE WANTS TO BE BABIED AND WANTS TO BE GROWN. SHE WANTS TO BE CATERED TO AND CALL HER OWN SHOTS, AND TELL PEOPLE WHAT TO DO. AS AN ADULT I CAN'T HAVE THAT. MY HUSBAND LETS THE BACK TALK SLIDE BUT I CAN'T. WE OFTEN FIGHT ABOUT THINGS THAT THEY DO WRONG.
IF I COMPLAIN ABOUT MY HOUSE BEING DIRTY IM WRONG...IF I COMPLAIN ABOUT UNNECESARY GARBAGE, AND COATS ALL OVER THE FLOORS, AM I WRONG FOR THIS? SHOULD I NOT? CLOTHES ARE THROWN ALL OVER MY HOUSE, AND I CANT SAY PICK IT UP? NOBODY EVER LISTENS WHEN I TELL THEM TO DO STUFF, SO I STOPPED. I HATE THIS POSITION, ALSO I DNT HAVE MY OWN KIDS, WHICH IM LONGING FOR, AND THIS CHILD HAS A PROBLEM WITH THAT. MY HUSBAND AND I ARE TTC, BUT WITH ALL THE STRESS IM GO THROUGH? HOW? MY EVERYDAY IS A CHALLENGE. BUT I LOVE MY HUSBAND SO MUCH, AND LIKEWISE.
HE SAYS THAT EVEN AFTER THE KIDS ARE GONE WE HAVE EACHOTHER, SO WHY BE MAD? AND MY ANSWER IS BECAUSE THIS IS MY LIFE NOW. HE OFTEN QUESTIONS HISSELF ABOUT KEEPING THEM WITH US...OR JUST GIVING THEM UP...I TRY TO BE SUPPORTIVE, AND HOLD BACK MY FEELINGS...I JUST DNT KNOW WHAT TO DO...MY HUSBAND IS NOT SUPPORTIVE OF MY FEELINGS AND ITUITION...
WELL TODAY WE FOUGHT, IDK WHY I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO SHOPPING, AND THEN, IT HIT THE FAN...HE TOLD ALL THE KIDS TO GO DOWNSTAIRS...AND WE ARGUED I THROUGH MY RING, I SAID I KNEW WE WERE GOING TO DIVORCE OVER THIS *BLEEP*, AND HE DIDNT LEAVE YET HE WAS SAYING SOMETHING, I THINK HE PICKED UP MY RING (I CANT FIND IT)...AND BLAH BLAH BLAH, THE GIRL COMES IN STANDS NEAR MY DOOR! LIKE IN MY BUSINESS! IT WAS LIKE JUST IM AT A LOST FOR WORDS... AND HE'S LIKE I TOLD YOU TO WAIT DOWNSTAIRS! SHE WAS LIKE WHAT? AND I SAID LOOK DISRESPECT, HE TOLD HER SHE WAS MESSING UP BLAH BLAH BLAH, AND THAT SHE IS BEING DISRESPECTFUL, AND I SAID SOMETHING HE GOT MAD AT ME AND STARTED TO THE DOOR, YELLED AT HER, AND THEN I WAS LIKE YO COME BACK, AND HE SAID GET THE F AWAY FROM ME...=( NOW IM HERE...WHERE AM I GOING WRONG, IF I AM? AND WHAT SHOULD I DO? I LOVE MY HUSBAND WITH ALL MY HEART!MY FAVORITE PERSON, WHEN ITS US...

I'm sorry to hear you're

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this drama. Your husband's behavior was out of line to say the least. I'm not sure what you said to him, but the entire incident should not have occured in front of the kids . . IMHO. But we all know some times things happen.

Most of us on this site have a great relationship with our DH's . . . when it's just us and them and therein lies the challenge . . finding a way to get along with or at least tolerate our steps . . without destroying the marital relationship in the process.

Get DH out of the house and tell him your expectations of how the household needs to be ran. The two of you must inforce rules, chores and expectations for the kids so they have some type of structure and you have some semblance of order in your home. Tell him how disrespectul it is to you when his kids are allowed to make your home a pig sty and do as they please without any consequences. Set down punishments for when the kids sass back and stick to them.

As far as his comments about "one day the kids will be gone" - it's true, but that day isn't today and we live life one day at a time. Let DH know that if he wants his new marriage to survive you have to have a united front and he needs to be on your side. You need to be allowed to discipline the kids and if they don't listen to you, they will be faced with consequences. Get your household under control now so you can focus your energy and emotions on TTC. Don't allow his brats to destroy your marriage. Don't give them that power.

Also when kids don't have any structure or rules . .they become enabled and have a tendency to stay at home forever . . like my SD (27). When rules are in place children grow up and want to move because they get sick of abiding by the rules . . . . . this is what you want! I recall my own mom telling me "if you want to live in my house you have to abide by my rules" . . I couldn't wait to move out.

Stay encouraged, keep us posted and good luck!

Shannon, i thank you so much

Shannon, i thank you so much for replying.In fact reading your post MADE ME CRY. I'm trying to get my husband to unite with me, and he says he is united and how much of a team we are, but when things happen in the house, whether it's direspect, or trashing the place, the kids fight amongst eachother, he seems to ignore it. i had a miscarriage at 12 weeks, last december, probably from all this stress, and uncomfortableness... i like order, and i tell him we need order, and he says i hate his kids, and this and that, but i think i should have a right to say what happens in my house. The kids are extremely offensive all the time! Like listening for me and my husband to say something bad about their mom or something horrible, or bad about them. All i try to do is make everybody comfortable. I bought Fios, comes with cable phone and internet, everybody has internet access, which i pay for. Food in the house, clean clothes. All the things they had to do for themselves when they were with their bm. I know im not the bm, and dont fight for it either, but where does the respect for me come? I tried the lets unite approach, and the look you see approach, where do i go next?

I LOVE HIM!He sometimes regrets having them from all the trouble they cause between bm and me, bm and him, eachother. I dont want my relationship with him to falter because of kids that dont need to be here with us... I tried the stay away approach, and even tried talking to her pouring my heart out, and she probably just went behind and laughed... Im stressed because i need my husband...mind you im 20 and my husband is about 15 years older than me...doesnt act like it though.

Hey, I went through very

Hey, I went through very similar to what you are going through. For what it's worth the best plan was to disengage somewhat. It's not easy, in fact it's difficult/almost impossible to deal with kids when DH does not take charge.

I got some counselling, actually it was court ordered family counselling because SD 13 was in juvenile hall and was totally ungovernable. This child was a hellcat!! Also a twin! Her brother is only now, some four years later, giving us issues.

I love my husband, and those kids, more than they'll ever know. I am consistent with them and I found that I had to create my own boundaries with them since DH only ever chastised them when they came to blows with each other.

One of the things I recognized from the start, though, is that we were all teenagers ourselves once, I am pretty sure most of us learned some lessons the hard way too. I give my 3 bio kids the opportunity to listen or learn the hard way and I told SKids the same thing.

I digress, sorry, the counsellor gave me some food for thought, she said that kids will grow up regardless of parenting styles, the kids can get a feel of what NOT to do too, it is a shame to make the home a war zone. I realized that ten years of spoiling kids will take a while to undo too. OH, and the 'plant the seed' thing, begin subtly mentioning how you would like things to be when kids make demands on you. 'If I did not have to pick up all the stuff from the living room I could ride you to your friend's house' or along those lines. When they asked me for something I'd ask if responsibilities are taken care of. It was a small start that did lead to bigger changes. I also deferred them to their father when they tried playing us off against each other. I stopped picking up their stuff and left it for DH to deal with. It was HORRIBLE but I closed my mind off to dealing with their responsibilities and DH finally had to 'DO' something about it and he got damned sick, pretty quick, of 'helping' them out . DH did support me though, he just did not want to 'deal with it all' and I am NOT their mother, I will not pander to their whims and pick up after their lazy butts.
The most important thing the counsellor advised me of is not to get into any sort of discussion with kids once you've instructed them or have chastised them, what they call the 'p1$$ing contest'. Words like 'regardless' or 'it's not up for discussion' really do stop a child in his/her tracks. I have a lot of respect for that dear lady and her advice has stood me in good stead. Also, NEVER lose sight of yourself as a person, or of your relationship with your husband. I found myself in danger of becoming so frustrated by things that it overwhelmed my entire being...DO NOT let that happen, I caught myself in time. We still have issues, as long as we have kids we'll have 'kid issues' but things improved and DH and I are working together, I think he felt overwhelmed too at all of a sudden being 'in charge' of two hellions. Nice try dear, with the pass the buck to SM, but they were yours before they became 'ours'. Gotta love em though!

Shannnon he just got back

Shannnon he just got back hasnt said a word...im scared cause my love for him is great. But i dont know why he is mad at me? i was just doing what i have to do, and i do that everyday. I take care of all my business if i didnt this house would fall apart. why am i the one that has to be punished for nothing? i think i want to get a divorce. because now it seems like these kids have came between us... officially. Everybody just got rewarded for bad behavior, and im being punished...

Kiwi you're welcome. I'm so

Kiwi you're welcome. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage and hope that soon you'll be able to get some much needed structure in your house so you can focus on you. I too like order and it's a challenge to live with people who just don't give a rat's behind.

Have you threatened to leave DH if things don't change? I know this is harsh but it may be the wake up call he needs. I had to do it in my own case with my DH because things were so bad that I wanted to pack my stuff, leave and never come back. In my case I stayed the weekend with my sister and when I returned, I told DH exactly how I felt and why. I told him how he made me feel that the relationship with SD (27 and lives with us) was his top priority and I was the outsider. I told him that if he didn't change, I was leaving . . .flat out. And I meant it. He promised to do better and has improved a great deal. I refused to put up with such BS for him or anyone. I was not above divorce or separation (we married in 2008).

Ask DH if your marriage is important to him and if he answers yes, tell him what he needs to do to keep your marriage strong and harmonius. Implore upon him that the kids need rules, chores and consequences. Agree on the dynamics such as daily chores, cleaning up behind themselves, and the consequences for not following the rules. Create a chore list and have a family meeting to implement it.

I know you love your husband, but you also have to love yourself . . . first. If he's not willing to present a united front in getting his unruly brats under control, the relationship will be doomed because you're going to be miserable. And life is too short to be miserable.

I agree...im going to try to

I agree...im going to try to talk him...if he allows me too, he's wearing my wedding ring on his pinky. i dnt know were we stand...im just kinda keep you guys posted...atm im confused...

Hey Cindy, I was talking to

Hey Cindy, I was talking to my cousin yesterday about my situation, and she said maybe i need to just let everything go back to normal, and when something ticks me off, the second it happens, drop what im doing and just leave. everybody is going to be like wtf! and come back a few hours later when im ready. i said i would most likely go to her house for a few hours, and by 1am i would be making my way back home...try to get a place that your comfortable with, with someone you can talk to, and crash for a few hours, get some air, and breath, thats going to be my new technique. Im not going to tell him where i am, im not going to call, nothing. im just going to disappear, and at night when he's sleep, ima trussle back in, and take a shower go to bed then go to sleep... i did this before, but not because i was upset, i wanted to go see my half brother, by the time i got there, he wasnt but i stayed with my sisters and my mother for a few hours came back house was a wreck, but i brushed it off, took a shower and went to sleep, he was stressing!!!! lolz

Hey Cindy, I was talking to

It appears that he doesn't

It appears that he doesn't want to take accountability for his kids and wants to make this an issue of you "disliking" them, when in reality it's about structure and his poor parenting.

If you have to . . apologize for throwing the ring. . .just to ease the tension. Hopefully he'll apologize for his nasty comment. You have to reach him . . and I suggest getting out of the house to talk . . (over dinner, the park, etc.) if you can . . This way you don't have to worry about the kids eavesdropping, or creating a distraction.

Turn the tables on him and ask him how he'd feel if you had kids and they moved in and you didn't discipline them? Ask him if he'd be happy with that arrangement? Also tell him you want the very best for his kids and you're concerned about their well being. Let him know that teaching them chores and structure will prepare them for adulthood. Tell him you want to create a peaceful, respectful household and what you need from him to do just that.

So here's what I did... He

So here's what I did... He got home and left back out.When he came back, I know him well and he expected me to say something,but I ignored him since I was on the phone. I made dinner so they ate and yaddi yadda...I was in my room on the phone, he kept coming in to see who I was talking to (subliminally) but I ignored him. finished my convo, and got back in bed, where he was waiting...i asked to talk without violence or screaming, since everyone was in bed. He agreed. I told him to start. He said he talked to her, and blah blah blah, made it sound sweet,and innocent, but i wasnt buying it eventhough i kept that feeling inside, to not start up some defensive shit, and i said well, i deserve respect in my house, i do so much around here for everybody to not get that, he agreed. Then proceeded to tell me that the kids decided to go back with their mom. (overjoyed in my head) I said well thats best. He agreed. Then i said well, i remember when he said that nomatter what, me and him have to remain a unit because of our strong love, so nomatter what kid problems we have biokids or step, they all leave, and at the end of the day we sleep with eachother.i still havnt gotten my ring back though, lolz. I also informed him that this is what happened when they were with their mom, they were mad about rules and mess like that,we were the fun house. now shes the fun house...so thats where im at right now...and at the end of the day were sleeping next to eachother... Thanks a bunch Shannon, you had shed alittle light on one of the worst days ever...

This morning my husband asked

This morning my husband asked to take me shopping...i said no...i rather go later on this week with my sister...but we're talking, he's tryna get things out of me, im playing the hard to get roll, since i dont think i did anything wrong...this morning i think he wanted sex, but i refused...

Well I guess we come to a

Well I guess we come to a compromise...I decided to lay off alittle, which i guess has worked, but only in return that DH discipline the kids. He has been doing such and somewhat effectively, he had took them out of the house , i didnt want to go so i stayed back, and had a talk with them about respect and how much i mean to the family,and said that he's going to up the anty when the court case is over, and be the strict parent he used to be. I believe him because i know how he was before. I was afraid that when i have my own children he would be rough with them and not with the ones he had. Then animosity on my part as well as my children would grow! But i have faith. I told him i'll try my best with things and do my part as usual and blah blah blah.
We had two big blow ups since the first initial arguement. one during a date, and one in the car going back home. but quickly made up that night. Yesterday was better, he went to work came home, and everything was pretty much in order, and we were normal. LOVEY like we used to. and he hasnt gotten any since the initial fight so he was pretty rild up, he flirted with me about getting some, and i said well im not married, and showed him my ring finger. He said put it on... we talked abit, i played hard to get and didnt put it on, then we showered together like always, and he finfished first got in bed.
I got EXTRA ready!!! then got to bed, and he was smoking a cigerette outside. I put on my night spray that he likes. he got in bed. I lotioned, and put on my ring. we watched some tv, and sealed the deal!!!!YAY ME!!!!! IM SO HAPPY!!!!! THANKS EVERYBODY FOR YOUR HELP!! You guys are great, it's nice to see im not the only person out thier with this situation. Thanks guys. problem solved.

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I have a huge problem...need help...