I decided to give up
I decided to give up on my 16 year old SD.
She recently came to live with my husband and I cuz her mother's live-in BF made a pass at her. To make matters worse, her BM is still with the her BF and allows her BD to be around the pervert. No one seems to care that if your moms BF hits on you, your mom should probably leave him.
So now the brat lives with us and she is such a bitch. She ignores me most of the time, but also her father. I have tried to talk with her, I make her breakfast sometimes, have allowed her to use my things, drive her to work, and make an effort to be interested in her day. But she'll walk in from school, buzz right by me, go to her room, leave again and not say one word. Her room is a disaster!!! G-string panties, bras, tampons, shirts, shorts, makeup, all over the floor! It makes me crazy.
Yesterday I told my husband, I'm done trying. She was raised to be disrespectful and rude and I'm not making an effort anymore. She needs to learn how to treat people and how to have consideration for our home. I know this hurts him, but if he wants to cater to a rotten little bitch (which he raised until she was 13) he can put up with it. As far as I'm concerned she can go right back to her stupid BM and the pervert!
Sixteen year old girls are
Sixteen year old girls are difficult even under the best of circumstances. I can't imagine dealing with one that had been raised like that.
Wow - my SD is only 13 and it
Wow - my SD is only 13 and it sounds just like her. Is this what I have to look forward to? OMG; I am not aloud in her room - she has cried to daddy about me being in it; so - I shut the door and Occasionally spray by it from keeping the smell from coming out!! I give my other children a choice; keep it clean or I do it (which i don't mind) but she gets to do what she wants when she wants. And it is Bitchy; they know what they are doing; and it's not right - learn some sort of respect. I know exactly how you feel; it's almost like a dorm room!! We had to place a PFA on her SD; her mom was fine with her leaving and hasn't spent any time with her and has only contributed $40 in three MONTHS!! Nothing is said to her; but not time is waisted on how much I am doign wrong... it is crazy. Hearing this gives me no hope; I know things will not get any better; they haven't in 10 Years
I get so frustrated because
I get so frustrated because my husband is such a good man, but I think when he and the BM were raising the kids they didn't teach them common courtesy or respect. I really think my SD purposefully does things to bother me and I hate that because I honestly try to be a good SM to her and her older brother.
She burps at the table (16 year old with make up and tight shorts so her ass hangs out), her room is a bloody mess, she storms in and out of her room; and IF she eats dinner with us, she barely eats what I cook and leaves her whole drink on the table. Her BM parks in front of my house to wait for the SD to come out and that is just crap!!
I'm a military woman and I can straighten out the most unruley soldier. I'm strict, confident and fair. Why? Why? Why? can't i do that at home!!????
It's funny you mention the
It's funny you mention the military - Fiance was in for 4y; you would thing he kept something from it. He says I would be perfect in it! I am very routine; i yell a lot and I love order and bed times...... But rules don't apply to her. the answer I ALWAYS get is ~ she's 13 AND EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?? 13y olds don't have to respect anything. I also love my to be husband; we occasionlly had our fights; but nothing like this - we haven't talked for 3 days
I keep reading over and over
I keep reading over and over again about these dads that don't correct their daughters. I don't get what the problem is. It's really hard to assert myself when I know that my husband doesn't whole-heartedly back me up. I know he wants to back me up, but it doesn't come out genuinely and the skids can read right through him.
I pray for the day they leave! I know I'm wrong but OMG---life doesn't have to be so hard!!!
Oh; I know! her SM doesn't
Oh; I know! her SM doesn't take her ever - I don't get ne time NONE! we used to just have her on weekends and that I could handle. I know the dads see it; but it's almost like they don't want to deal with it; like it'll just go away. I read a lot about how SP are just supposed to sit by and be friends and don't try to parent the Skids... How?? When you have other kids that ? what's going on; the unfair treatment... I have told dad that it hurts my feelings being treated this way; and he says - I am the parent; it's my problem... WHAT?? It's a waste of time when deep down you know he will turn on you the second she cries. It is a battle you will never win; when is enough - enough. When you find out let me know....Good Luck!!
"I read a lot about how SP
"I read a lot about how SP are just supposed to sit by and be friends and don't try to parent the Skids... How??"
Um - yeah, that backfires. Short story - we charged BM with contempt and DH, BM, and SD had to go through conciliation to figure out issues and come up with visitation agreement - don't you know SD says that she didn't lke me because I "tried to be her "friend" rather than her parent." - WTF??! She's never really been a bad kid so i never had a reason to break out the horns and pitchfork with her. I'm genuinely a friendly person, so i'm still trying to figure out what i'm supposed to do differently in SD's eyes to be viewed as a parent.
It's a double edged sword and unfortunately we get both ends so it doesn't really matter.
Your right...if we treat them
Your right...if we treat them as our own and parent them...."we are only SM's we shouldn't be parenting because it's BM & BD's job".....so ok...fine...we don't parent.....and we are unloving, uninvolved, jealous of BP, SK hating, show no interest, don't love me...blah blah blah". No matter what we are the bad guy. So, I guess whatever works best in your situation is the road to take. There is no right or wrong. For some SP's it works best to parent (like my situation) and some SP's it works best to not be involved. No way is the right way.
You're right on the money.
You're right on the money. Here's what I did:
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
They could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be pleased at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. I took my spouse and SKs camping on occasion when my kids weren't around. I offered the s-kids advise on living in our world and made the obvious comments when it came to safety and such. But I never made it a judgement. May favorite comment was "Do what you think is in your best interest". It sums it all up. What you sow is what you reap.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother came to realize that I wasn't over-reacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.