Frustrated and confused
Last year in September hubbys children were abandoned by the mother that fought so hard to get custody of his kids ( for money ofcourse no really for wanting to have those kids) so when we became aware of the situation were went straight to court and got temp. custody of them and set a date, mother didnt show up and we got soul custody of the two kids aged 15-16 at the time. So the son was estatic to move here with us, you couldnt have seen a happier kid for months... right up till the end of May this year. I am completley feel as if the wind got knocked out of my stomach with a sharp blow... since may he has steadily been cold to me and its not stopping .. the other day he called me a fucking bitch to his friend(He does not know i overheard him) and still does not... I have done nothing but love this kid since he got here, i have done everything for him, buy his clothes, clean his room, wash his laundry and put it away, make him snacks, lunch etc... I tell him everyday I love him and hug him ( yes even still after he said this and has been cold) because I just want to reassure him i know he's probably dealing with some things teenagers go through but that i am always there for him and he is important in this family. What the hell am i supposed to think or how much isw too much on my part.... ?? i dont want to force my love, guidance, or rules on him but at the same time i have to be a parent ? right ? help... i just need some advice on how to handle him in this "mode" :?
This boy is probably venting
This boy is probably venting his anger at you because you are the safest option. He probably has a lot of conflicted feelings about his birth parents, especially the mother that abandoned him, and its an age when independence can seem to be looming up very scarily in the near future. He trusts that you will take his anger and continue to love him, but he should not be allowed to abuse you.
Set some boundaries around this - tell him you understand he is going through a difficult spell (perhaps offer to arrange counselling if appropriate) but that you are not going to have him treat you badly. If it's just coldness, well, try to tolerate it - all teenagers of this age go through spells of rejecting their parents - it's part of becoming an adult. Continue to be warm but not too physically affectionate - he may find this overpowering. Take your lead from him on this.
Thank you for responding to
Thank you for responding to my post Kes
... Lastnight was rather uncomfortable here, his dad took him for a drive and had " a talk" with him about hte way he is toward me at home... he comes off with the excuse " she blames me for everything" ... when DH told me that I was gob smacked with shock... blame him !!! Holy cow !!! I couldnt believe what I was hearing... He doesnt do anything to get blamed for anything by me or his dad... I dont know if this is just some scapegoat he's trying to pull but it sure confuses me even more... so hubby told him to get his act together by wednesday and come talk to me about the things he says i blame him for.... we'll see how that pans out I guess.
We have been offering him councelling since the day he moved in here but he refuses to go and its not like we can drag him there kicking and screaming, the councellors wont make him talk if he's not willing to admit to needing help. His sister however has taken us up on that offer ( for councelling that is) and we have been bringing her once a week , every week for the past 7 months and she has grown so much since taking that step. Life with her was not so great but now its totally different thank goodness.
When SS moved here, I babied him more then I should have, I admit it was wrong to go overboard, my reason for doing that was he had it so bad for the last 4 years, his BM treated him like a piece of dog crap and I just wanted to treat him properly and show him I cared about him, that he IS important,,, know what I mean ?? Then his dad said, this is too much, you are spoiling him rotten, it needs to simmer down... so ... slowly I did make adjustments to what I would do for him or how often, like running to the store and buying something i thought he might like, or picking up his laundry off the floor, putting a compost bag in the recyclke when he forgot... those things... now I dont go in his room other then Saturday, to change his bedding.
Maybe he's peeved with me for not doing all those things anymore and just daying Im blaming him because his sulking is not being tollerated by DH ? I dunno..
any comments are welcomed.. im sure someone here has gone through the same situation and I appreciate hearing yoru experiences or advice
I'm new here and certainly
I'm new here and certainly not an expert but...
It would be interesting to know. Do you think your DH shows respect to you? Contrary to what you may have imagined. You have no power over the Stepkids, only the marriage.
Your note indicates you and DH were not even aware there was an issue of the kids being dumped. You just found out one day and went to the pound and picked them up. Now you buy him toys, put food out, pick up poop, pet and scratch him behind the ears. Oh wait! He's a kid(person) not a freaking DOG!
What teenage boy is going to want some strange woman trying to get all touchy feely, lovey dovey and not feel weird? I take that back, he might like it and feel weird that he has those feelings re: his dad's wife.
I don't mean to be hateful. I am just trying to paint a picture. Look at it this way. If I had a 16yo daughter, and a Stepdad with little or no prior relationship of raising said SD. If Stepdad tried some of the tactics you suggested you've been doing, I'd have him arrested. But, I've got to assume your intentions are good. SS may be trying to push you off him, and I wouldn’t blame him. Not everyone has a touchy feely side screaming to be fondled.
Clean room? Laundry? Really? These are not things a 15-16yo can do? Being part of "the family" is to have some family responsibilities. Clean room, do dishes after dinner, take out trash... Sounds like he's staying at Laquinta. When you stay in friends or family home and they say "make yourself at home", would you dream of expecting them to wait on you? I'd go straight to the fridge grab my own freaking beer and I'd stip the guest bed and remake it if fresh linens were available.
All the same, Nice handle you have JuicyJennyC. My suggestion is YOU go to counseling.
Goodmorning and yes my DH
:? Goodmorning and yes my DH shows me respect, thats why we have been trying to get to the bottom of this issue and resolve it. We parent together, not seperatly and all of the kids here know that. When they ask permission to do something, they al get the same answerr... after we talk (DH and I) we will get back to them and give the answer sometimes its yes and sometimes not, depending on the things they ask.
DH and I were not aware of the situation the children were living in because the ex-wife (she is bi-polar and has been diagnosed by a doctor many years ago and medicated on and off for the disorder for much of her adult life)has kept the children away from thier dad for 4 years, they at the time lived in a different city then we do and there was no way of having contact. she guilted the kids into many things and until the oldest was 16 (legal age in ontario) she was unable to contact her dad... but boy did she ever come running when she knew her BM couldnt have any hold over her again and her brother came running immediately after she told her brother she had contacted us.
As for the comment you made saying "Not everyone has a touchy feely side screaming to be fondled." Let me first tell you how long I knew DH and his children BEFORE we got together... I had known DH's ex wife since I was about 8 years old... I have know my now DH and his children for upwards of 3-4 years before we married, so no, I was not a stranger to his children at all
I can assure you I am not a predator of any kind and find the comment insulting. All of the kids say goodnight here in this house.. a simple 2 second hug goodnight from myself and his dad is what we do...and I love you , sweet dreams comment.... we dont hold him or any of our children against us tightly and press up against them ... ewww, who does that really ?!?!... I am repulsed and disturbed at the image you must have painted in your mind :jawdrop: :sick:
I don't know how anyone else likes to have thier home in regards to cleanliness but my house is not a pig stye with clothes, dishes and toys strewn about, when any of us eat, we do so in the kitchen, none of the kids here complain about that,everyone picks up his/her own things after using anything and the girls (both 17 now) wash and put away thier own laundry-which is fine by me lol) and I do the rest of the household laundry... mine, DH,SS,and both younger boys ... DH and I both figured he(SS) can do his laundry now at 16 (he was 15 when he came to live with us)and he does.
I don't understand the criticism about my name in here ?? I've been chewing Juicyfruit gum for such a long time, a girlfriend of mine called me juicyjenny probably 10 years or so years ago and it just stuck, like gum ... C is the first letter of my last name. :?