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jelly035's picture

Submitted by jelly035 on Mon, 02/25/2019 - 12:23pm

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Teenage Stepchildren

Hi, just found this blog.  I have read so many posts and feel so much better!!  It is the old "misery loves company" thing.  I am a 53 year old woman who was single until I hit 49...first marraige for me, no kids.  Until I got married I was a single woman, lots of friends, lots of travel and owned my own condo.  Many things in my life started to change when I hit 49 (including my father being diagnosed with cancer and lived 2 months and my mother's dementia going off the rails) that made me realize I wanted a life partner...I met my DH and he had fulled custody of his 14 year old.  His BM lived far away and gave little if any CS.  SS went to see a few times a year...easy peasy...I sold my condo and moved into his home (was his childhood home mother had passed).  It was a great opportunity for SS to go to school where DH did.  Fast foward, have been married 2 1/2 years.  Of those years DH has been unemployed almost half of it.  I make very good money and am now paying all the bills.  This is not my home.  SS has been nothing but polite to me.  He is ridiculously spoiled.  He is also addicted to video games.  It is not unusual for him to come home from school and play games until 10pm and then NON STOP all weekend.  He is part of all kinds of teams and apparently is very good.  He gets great grades and is in all advanced classed at HS and played varsity Lacrosse.  He has started getting college acceptances.

The kid has never ever worked a day of his life.  I have asked for him to get jobs over the summer of his sophomore and junior years.  I have gotten him jobs, but always an excuse (hurt my leg I can't lifeguard, they won't call me back, blah blah).  Obvious he does not and will not work.  DH starts out tough but always completely caves.  This kid gets every single thing he wants, has my DH car every day for school, gets food made for him, etc.  I pay for the house to be cleaned 2x a month (4 animials).  I am at my end of my rope.  In 2 weeks he will be 18.  Starting 6 months ago I told my DH that I expected when he turned 18 to have a part time job during the end of school and then full time during the summer until he went to college.  Here we are, regardless of me sending "job openings" to DH and SS, nothing.  I find myself a chump.  I have told my husband over and over that is NOT what I had envisioned for my future.  We can't move to a new home (I hate this house, but have put up wiht it for 2 years so SS can go to local HS), DH has no job.  And when we can, I fear that this kid will either 1. Go to college and drop out, or 2. Finish college and live in the basement playing games all day.

I feel like I need to cut and run.  Sorry this is so long.  I love my DH but I feel absolutely disrespected with this entire situation.  I have made all the sacrifices and only asking for the SS to get a job, show so work ethic and become an adult.  Am I asking too too much?

 

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Mon, 02/25/2019 - 12:46pm

Oh my God, get yourself out of this situation.

Why has your husband been unemployed for half of your marriage?

You are correct, you are being disrespected....and used.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Mon, 02/25/2019 - 2:14pm

You are being used. Get your ducks in a row, find a good attorney, and save yourself.

And just to satisfy my curiousity, how does your SS plan to pay for college? Are you supposed to be their cash cow for that as well?

Thumper's picture

Submitted by Thumper on Mon, 02/25/2019 - 3:17pm

I would pack bags and book.

Your going deeper and deeper into your husbands mess. HE DOES NOT HAVE A JOB.

your stuck footing the bill for another womans kid that she has not given 20bucks a weelk for. All your husband has to do is file with the CS office and they will hunt her down. For goodness sake, dont you want to travel just a little ??? Dont you want to live a little?

Wont happen with him,,,,sorry. I bet you have been footing the bills for a very long time.

Call it a day and find someone who can actually support themselves. Start there.

 

jelly035's picture

Submitted by jelly035 on Mon, 02/25/2019 - 5:45pm

thanks everyone.  I keep kicking myself on this one.  I am a smart VERY successful business woman and I find myself saying WTF how did I get here???  My husband had a job when I married him for years.  NOw it has been 2 lay offs in 2 years...the SS mother died and left him a bit of money for college....he also has scholarships, etc.  but I fear now they will ask me to cosign loans for him.  he is NOT my kid.  I am the only person here who has a job....I feel so stupid...

jelly035's picture

Submitted by jelly035 on Mon, 02/25/2019 - 5:47pm

also we have no money intermingled.  we have everything seperate.  I give him $ to pay HIS bills every month.  for HIS house.  I also pay for both of their healthcare...etc.  groceries and house cleanings....

jelly035's picture

Submitted by jelly035 on Mon, 02/25/2019 - 5:48pm

I think I can get away clean with my own 401k etc.  I have some property given to me before my father dies as well...I feel bad leaving without him having a job and no healthcare....

notsobad's picture

Submitted by notsobad on Mon, 02/25/2019 - 6:32pm

You don't need to leave your marriage. You need to grow a spine. SS not having a job isn't the problem. DH not having a job and living in his house is the problem.

 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 02/25/2019 - 6:49pm

I agree with the others.  Your DH has somehow decided you are the golden goose..  HE isn't working.

To be honest.. I understand your view of the video games and the kid not earning "money".. but with the activities and grades.. at least he is doing SOMETHING productive.  I would however NOT cosign for anything for the boy.  Not your problem really.

You do need to have a heart to heart and rubber meets the road conversation with your DH.  He needs to have a job... ANY job will do.  Something that will cover at least a minimum amount of the cost of his son and him.  Not sure where you live but where I am.. if you don't have a job.. it's because you don't WANT one.  There are tons of things he can do to make money. 

So.. that would be my line in the sand.  find a job in 30 days.. or I'm out of here.

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Mon, 02/25/2019 - 7:57pm

I agree with others. Your problem is not the SS, it is your DH (who is setting a horrible example for the SS). If he is not working full time every day to find another job in his field, he should be working whatever job he can get.  

Give him a deadline (a short one). If he doesn't get a job, leave without guilt. And whatever you do, DO NOT co-sign a loan for either of them!

 

 

 

 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Tue, 02/26/2019 - 10:21am

But you think that  you pr SS needs a job ?  First of all your DH needs to be working.  You are never going To move out because of his credit history. Your SS is just following in his father foot steps.  Not working.  They both have you to take care of there money problems 

shamds's picture

Submitted by shamds on Tue, 02/26/2019 - 11:32am

Marriage... has he been a house husband? Doing chores/cooking/errands etc? Because it seems not.

so he’s been lazing about sitting on his arse while financially successful wife is his bank paying everything for him... you are being used completely 

when the economy is bad, people can’t be choosey with jobs, you get whatever you can to help pay bills, put food on the table and a roof over your head