Feeling Crazy and stuck
Bit of a back story for this, I've been with my Filipino wife for 11 years and she had a son from a previous relationship whom we brought to Canada about a month after we had our son together. Our son together is turning 10 and has autism and the step son is 16. The father of the step son is in the Philippines and has had no involvement in his life and is not listed on his birth certificate. Within the last year and a half, the step son has been charged and arrested, has become increasingly disrespectful and acting out. He is now involved with a friend who is on thin ice with adoptive families. The arguments and accusations have become more heated and severe, especially between him and his mother and I feel caught in between. His mother tends to be controling and a micro-manager and the step son can be arrogant, disrespectful and thinks he can dictate how things will go in our house. I know I need to support my wife but I can't always talk to the step son after they argue because it doesn't work and my wife gets mad if I don't or chase after him if he leaves the house. I'm not perfect either, I tend to be more on the silent side and say things in a more calm manner and I know I haven't always been the right kind of father for the step son but over time, I have just felt a disengagement and that we don't have a very strong bond. I have been feeling like I just want to take our youngest son and walk away because sometimes I don't know how much more I can take. Sorry for the long story, just wanted to vent a bit and maybe get some insights.
Thank you
If you stay, you absolutely
If you stay, you absolutely can set standards for behavior in your home. If he acts like a little sh!t, he gets no phone or other electronics, no car, and no money. If he is violent, call the police. Problem solved if they lock him up. And unless he shapes up, he is out the day he turns 18. If he does shape up, he gets praise and his privileges back. Why should you have to leave your home if you don't want to? It sounds like your wife has your back. Also, though, if you don't want to deal with it i don't blame you. However, it may be hard to leave with your bio kid without your wife getting some custody too, and then your kid is alone with them.
Tough call?
We do try and take the phone away which usually leads to more disrespectful treatment and arguments. Not really sure what happened, it's like a switch has been thrown and he has gone downhill - disrespectful and lazy. It has gotten to the point that my wife wants to step back and not do any discipline and tells me I need to do more of the disciplining. No sure how to react with some of this sometimes. My wife has wanted to walk out of the house and leave the 3 of us there but hasn't done it and that opens up another can of worms.
If she walks, she can take her nasty spawn with her.
Sounds like a winable strategy to make that happen.
I would make it clear that if SS is in your home she has to be there. PERIOD DOT.
There is no reason to talk to
There is no reason to talk to or chase SS after his mother fights with him. Looks like you have had 10 years of trying with him and got nowhere. I might make a list of charges and rules for living with you and keep it handy for his next attempt at ruling the roost and give it to him.
Do you want him gone? Would that solve your problems or bring new ones? Is there family of wife back home you could send him to? Is he a legal citizen? What does your wife have to say about all this?
Tough spot
Him being gone would probably bring about another set of problems. My wife has family back home but we wouldn't have the money to send him back. He isn't a full legal citizen yet but close, he is a permanent resident. My wife is getting close to being at her wits end sometimes and has said at times she is going to walk out and leave the 3 of us behind but she hasn't.
The writing is on the wall
This is not a Hallmark movie where SS sees the light and changes. It's is only going to get worse. Save money for the lawers. Really. This kid needs help, most likely will not go any good, but she must try. To get SS to a professional DR.
Two His BM isn't doing anything, So no cell phone, no electrons , The bad one no going out. It's coming to your DW must pick between you and her son. Unfortunately life comes doe not this. Can't be the big happy family. It's your DW choice, let her make it let her live with it. She want to be a fence sitter, trying to please everyone. It's not going to work.
SS is 16 your DW is leaguly responsible for SS until 18. Government understands this and will come after you for money. They try to someone to pay
If SS is a criminal and you want him gone, work with
law enforcement and have him put away.
He is giving the ability to save your young child and your family from this POS criminal failed family progeny.
Supporting your wife, IMHO, means getting rid of this toxic influence within your family.
Take care of you. Take care of your young child. Take care of your DW, even if she may not recognize that is what you are doing.
Good luck.