Feeling Lost
New to this site and hope this is a good spot for this. I married a woman from the Philippines who had been close to where I live for a number of years and who had a son in the Philippines. Her son came to the country when he was turning 7 (currently 16) and we have a BS who is currently 9. In the last couple years, my SS has become very rude and disrespectful to me and his mother as well as teachers at his school. He loves sports and absolutely loves football and he was recently kicked off the team because of his poor attitude and work ethic in school. We have tried to talk to him and take his phone away but doesn't seem to improve a whole lot. He doesn't do a lot of work around the house either. His mom tends to be very emotional and gets angry at him for his behaviour and at me for not disciplining properly. They get in to arguments a lot and often I feel like I keep getting called in to be in the middle when she can't get through to him or to be the one to take his phone away when he won't give it to his mom. I usually try to approach issues with him in a more calm tone and try to talk things out but sometimes that can lead to an argument or rude remarks or giving a "get out of here" look. There are times when he doesn't treat our 9 year old son (who has special needs) very nice either.
I know I'm by no means a perfect parent and not the cheer really loud, sports fanatic father that he is expecting of me but I try my best to hold everything together but have felt more and more at my wits end. There has been the odd time I've felt like taking the younger son for a break until they can figure things out. Sorry for the rambling post, wanted to get some stuff out there, feel free to comment.
Some of it is just being a teen.
Some of it may be the result of relocating from his country of origin. Was he staying with other family in the Phillipines while his mother was in Canada? If so, that is bound to have had some impact on him.
I think your wife is absolutely WRONG to think that you should be the one disciplining him. That is HER responsibility as this boy's mother. She can certainly consult with you and you need to be a united team, but she needs to be clear that any discipline handed down is with her full authority as his mother.
Due to the circumstances, I would highly suggest that your wife and her son get some counseling to work this out. You (and your other son) can be included at some point, to make it family counseling. But the bottom line is that this kid probably has some deep-seated issues related to his relocation and his mother's absence (if that was indeed the case."
I wish you much luck.
Thank you for the input. He
Thank you for the input. He was staying with extended family (aunts/grandparents) and raised by nannies while Mom was in Canada. It was about 6-1/2 years she was apart from him while in Canada and I believe there is still guilt(?) for not being there during that time. I do know money was sent for him and he usually got a lot of things he needed/wanted. At times though they get along well and he will tell his mom a lot and not really tell me anything about what's going on. Counselling is definitely something we can look at.
Send his ass back to his daddy in the PI.
End of problem.
If your DW won't get her failed family spawn under control and keep him there, get rid of him and save your family, your own young child, and your marriage from your DW's poor prior breeding choices.
Good luck.
Take care of your young child. Take care of you.
Thanks for the input. I
Thanks for the input. I guess there were some minor details I had left out, there is no father listed on his birth certificate from PL and the father has had no involvement in his life since he was born which could make the one option more challenging but I guess there can be more than one way to skin a cat.
Theres a lot going on there
I too suggest therapy. At this age, his feelings are probably a result of feeling abandoned by both father AND mother.
And mother (and you) are "safe" to lash out at. All the emotions, coupled with the hormones, create the perfect storm of acting out in all directions.
NOW, one thing I know about chemicals is, when taken to enhace sports abilties can cause "roid rage". That might be a consideration.
The good news is that the situation is savable, but you definitely need to protect your younger child at all costs, and no you are not wrong, its ok to exit for a bit. Let the SS rage on and let the steam out, you do not need to allow that steam to burn the younger and you.