Ex wife can't cut the umbilical cord...
Hi All, I am new to this site, and after searching for answers online I came up short. So I was hoping someone could help me out, and give their opinion.
I am stepmom to a 12 year old daughter, and 13 year old son.
We are having issues non stop with the ex wife, not allowing us to make the decisions for the sake of our kids when they are at our house (50/50)
My husband and I both work full time jobs, and get home at about 5pm, our kids go to school together and are part of a carpool after school with the kids on our sons baseball team, they get home at around 3pm.
The person "babysitting" them for the last 6 months is about to move away, "babysitting" meaning they both do their homework and read/watch tv. The babysitter rarely even needs to interact with them.
The EX is claiming that the "way we live our lives" is harmful to our kids.
In my eyes, not giving them any sense of independence is whats harmful.
Please understand, that this woman not only calls my husband to complain how hard her life is for her, and her new husband, her new baby, and multiple texts and calls regarding issues that could very much wait until an appropriate hour, are really starting to upset me. This is making me feel like I do not have control in my own home.
I have thought about a restraining order, but we still need to at least act like we can stand each other, since we have sports every weekend.
My husband agrees that this is getting out of hand, and that it is not only her decision.
Please help, and what is your opinion with the whole "kids at home" after school thing?
I do want to keep attending
I do want to keep attending their sports functions though, because we cannot see eye to eye shouldnt effect the support that I want to give to them. SS13 plays baseball
No, I tend to steer clear as
No, I tend to steer clear as much as possible.
The school is actually
The school is actually walking distance from the house, ( a cross street and a residential stop sign and they are home) they definitely know that there are no friends allowed, mostly in part because we have the no friends over unless its a weekend rule.
No, she also works full time,
No, she also works full time, and says that the sitter that watches her new baby can't watch them as well.
Well, first I wanted to see
Well, first I wanted to see if she had any right over saying if they could or could not stay home from school without us being there for a few hours. They also go to our house when it is "our days" until she gets off of work.
oh, welcome to my world...
oh, welcome to my world...
A lot might change if you
A lot might change if you stopped identifying them as "our" kids. They're not and if the BM is getting a whiff of your attitude it could be the cause of a lot of dissention on her part.
The children have two parents. One of them is not you. Daddy is the front person when it comes to dealing with the ex.
In addition to the advise you've gotten above keep this point in mind whenever problems come up between the two parents and never act like the kids are yours. Even if in your husbands custody. Let read that again "husband's custody" - not yours not ours. It's important to her that you respect her territory and it might make a large difference. Stay in the background.
If I am not "respecting her
If I am not "respecting her territoy" by treating HER children as if they were my own is something to frown upon, then I guess I am in the wrong place. Being in their lives for more than 8 years has led me to treat them that way and to also reference them that way. I guess I could not be in their lives, and not care about them, and not act as if they were my own, but that does not sound like a healthy "attitude" either.
However, back to the "respecting her territory" when it comes to the Skids, how do you figure it feels when its MY territory she isnt respecting calling my husband everytime she needs an opinion, or somewhere to vent, or money for that matter? I beleive respect should come from the side to which a divorce was involved, rather than giving innocent children a place in my heart, and forgive me, the word OUR.
Me, too. I can't even believe
Me, too. I can't even believe it took that many posts before someone pointed it out. Do not refer to them as "ours." OMG as a bm I'd shit if I ever heard some other chick call my kids hers, I don't care how many years she'd been around.
I'm just saying if she thinks
I'm just saying if she thinks you're in her territory she's going to react. It doesn't matter how entitled you think you are. Mothers of all species have killed when something got between them and their children. I'm not predicting that of course just pointing out how strong the instinct is. Maybe you are circumspect - it's been eight years. But maybe you're starting to push her boundaries.
Yes I agree with your complaint and others have given advise also. Listen to in.
You asked for help, I'm giving it, don't get defensive, examine your attitude and hers as well and make adjustments if they're needed. If not just ignore me. I'm harmless. Really, just look at my picture to your right.
x
yes!!!!!!!!!!! I find it so
yes!!!!!!!!!!! I find it so wrong that you claim her and your husband kids as "yours" !!!!! Gosh, I would be upset as well if you were my kids stepmom.I am so lucky that my exes gf would never do or say such stupid things about my kids.On the contrary , she told me several times that she would never even try to mother my kids.She gets it since she is a mum herself and totally understands why her claiming my kids as hers can only go wrong!!She cares and is lovely and I truly appreciate it, but she was never in my territory.You need to wake up and unstand that even using such language ("OUR kids") is gutwrenching wrong and displaced.
"The EX is claiming that the
"The EX is claiming that the "way we live our lives" is harmful to our kids."
teh way you live your lives? because you have jobs that go until 5pm? isnt that pretty much normal america?
i agree with others, tehy can stay home alone at that age. i babysat at that age, as well as petsitting/housesitting. id probably not allow friends between 3 and 5 tho, but any decent parent would never let their kids go to another kids house without parents home anyway (in my opinion).
I am really hurt by the
I am really hurt by the backlash that I have gotten by verbiage that I expressed on a forum to support step parents. I thought I was in an area where I could speak my mind and ask for constructive criticism.
1. You really think I walk up to this woman and say "My kids are doing this, or OUR kids are doing that"? As if they are not hers? No. I don't, I still am a respectful human being, and I respect her as a mother, do I think she is overbearing, yes.
2. I ask the opinion of what everyone thought about the age of children staying home alone, and if she was right, or if my husband and I had the full right to make the decision while they are at our home.
3. Stepdad - calls the 3 children his own, and celebrated fathers day with them before the new baby was around, my husband didn't flip, they have a respect for each other because when they are at the mothers home, and real dad isn't there, he makes real dad decisions. Simple as that. Why should it be any different towards me?
4. Camaris :Get a puppy or a fish. yeah, I am a b*tch, but I have 12 years of bullshit of the likes you have yet to see.
You're right, your comments did make you look like a huge b*tch, thank you for your recommendation of getting a puppy or a fish, I was looking more for a way to approach the situation on a level head, possibly like a grown-up, and have the 4 (parents) speak about what is best for the kids. We all have a part in raising them, we should all be on the same page, I didn't need an insult, but thank you.
5. I know they are not MY kids, I didn't birth them, I didn't make the decision to have them, she knows I call them "OUR kids" and respects that. A mature person would not "kill for their motherly instinct" based on a term BOTH of the step parents use.
6. And thank you, saffron5567 - for the comment that made most sense of them all.
You say in the same
You say in the same context:You really think I walk up to this woman and say "My kids are doing this, or OUR kids are doing that"? and then you say ...:she knows I call them "OUR kids" and respects that.....weird.
Anyway, if you post here you WILL almost always get feedback on the whole post you are writing unless you only write about one thing at the time.
The whole "our kids" thing does not sound right to me even if you may use it with best intentions (like their step dad dude).To me it still sounds as if you see your role as a stepparent far too significant on the scale.If you don't want to hear that, that is ok.