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End of my rope with this kid, but that's his problem

jeff394's picture

Brief summary, my wife and I have been married for 10 years, I have one SD17 and one SS14. Also adopting a 4 year old boy through a death in the family. My problem is with my SS14 and the way his parents raise (or don't raise) him. My SD is a straight-A student, is well-grounded and is a pleasure to be with. A better 17 year old I could not ask for, not that she's perfect but we've had next to no problems out of her. Now, the SS14 is a totally different creature, and I'm surprised that two such different children could be spawned from the same loins. Totally self-centered, disrespectful, and feels that rules don't apply to him. He and his sister live with us 90% of the time and go to their dad's house every other weekend and every Tuesday night. The problem is that there are no rules, no structure, no anything at their dad's house, and after a weekend of being there, SS comes back to my house acting the fool like he has as his dad's house. To make it worse, he's a mama's boy, so naturally when I get on to him for not doing chores or acting the fool, I have to fight his disrespectful ass and then I have to fight his mama. Of course, I've heard "you aren't my dad" plenty of times, and that is just fine. You're right, I'm not your dad, but guess what? You're in my house, so it really doesn't matter who your dad is, does it?
Anyway, things have gotten to the point that he's calling me names, threatening to get physical, and I'm at the point that if my wife is not in the house, then neither is he. Naturally, this has caused issues with my wife and me. I've pretty much disengaged from SS, and have made it clear that in my presence he needs to keep his head down and his mouth shut.
Not really looking for advice here, just wanted to rant. Not really sure how this will affect my marriage down the road, but for now I've let her know that I will not be criticized for setting and ENFORCING boundaries with this kid, especially since no one else has the backbone to do it. If that makes her mad, she can take him to Wal-Mart. They sell doormats there.

Willow2010's picture

I've pretty much disengaged from SS, and have made it clear that in my presence he needs to keep his head down and his mouth shut.
Not really looking for advice here, just wanted to rant. Not really sure how this will affect my marriage down the road, but for now I've let her know that I will not be criticized for setting and ENFORCING boundaries with this kid, especially since no one else has the backbone to do it.
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I think you may need to read up on disengagement. It really sounds like you are not fully disengaged. This is how it worked for me…
If my SS, stayed out past curfew, got in trouble at school, missed school, back talked his dad ect…I just smiled and lived my life around the dysfunction. NO discipline came from me. If DH wanted to raise his kid like that, who was I to tell him not to? (this was difficult at times and I almost chewed my tongue off from NOT saying anything, but it made my marriage MUCH better!
If SS left dirty dishes out, or left clothes in wash ect…I got his dad to either have SS clean up his messes or DH had to do it.

I did very little for SS. And things that I did do…I did because I wanted too. NOT because it was expected.

What issues are you trying to correct on your SS?

jeff394's picture

I'm not correcting anything anymore. In the past it was things like talking back, not doing what he was asked, etc. He thinks because I'm not his dad that he doesn't have to listen to me, so that's just fine. If he turns out to be a screw-up, that's on his mom and dad, it's not going to be on me.

jeff394's picture

That's fine with me. Things are so much better when he isn't here. But then his mom wouldn't let that happen, so it really doesn't matter. My point is that my world is not going to stop turning because of this kid, no matter where he is living.