I posted this as a blog and also here.
I've spent five years beating myself up for not being successful at loving my future step kids.. 17 and 14. **pls forgive typos, I'm doing this from my phone ** I finally disengaged about six months ago and its all up to FDH now. I don't tell his kids what to do, we greet each other and have rare conversations, but there isn't much interacting. I stay away from them....and its WONDERFULLY FREEING!!!

He has failed miserably at being anything more than a pushover and constant coddler of these two sad and sorry kids of his.

Despite the circumstances that we have all faced over the years, he was still letting their piss poor school attendance, shit attitudes and lack of respect for me, HIM, his house rules etc, go without consistent consequence, follow thru or punishment. There were never any rules about homework, no rules about curfew that were enforced, no required behavior modifications re hoe they treated me.

He let them skate by on the notion that daddy will love them forever and it doesn't matter what you do I will always bail you out, give you money and allow you to walk on me like a doormat.

Then. About six months ago, I snapped. I had been in counseling for awhile and finally got the nerve to write the Expectations and Needs letter I had for so long a time put on the back burner of my life. I told him in this letter that I was considering leaving and never coming back or considering marrying him if he didn't meet the bare needs I had laid out in the letter. Of those things listed, were. 1) first and foremost he HAD to without question start sticking up for me and backing me up, instead of the shit he had been pulling which was to allow me to say my piece and then talk to his kids off sides about me but never backing me to their faces.

2) I told him I expectes under no uncertain terms that his rageful and at times violent truckdriver mouthed daughter be disciplined and called out from NOW ON on the SPOT for her swearing tyrades at me and punished for the extreme behavior such as sneaking friends in Windows and doing drugs and smoking in the house. I told him I'm sick and tired of the tension and her always creating drama at hreatening to nkill herself if she didn't get 200% of Daddys time. Doing things such as when I got here, telling him she needed a ride, then oh oops can you also take me here then here...just to create a situation where she dominated the clock and he had nothing left for me.

Anyway. This is just a short version. He got scared by my letter and did a complete 180. His parenting picked up 250%. The daughter continued to have blood curdling screaming outbursts, swearing, breaking things and threatening to rum away if.she didn't get what she wanted. It got so bad she was starting to lash out in red faces angry swearing tyrades over the smallest things like me going into the kitchen to wash dishes. Lashing out so the neighbors could hear. Telling me I was a pc of shit BITCH and she wanted me to die. Then she was calling her family ( moms ) and telling them I was trying to have her sent away I was threatening to hurt her!!!lies lies lies. She would cry and say things like daddy you don't love me anymore and that BITCH is stealing you away from me I hate her and I will get rid of.her. All when I'm never alone with her. she makes things up to create sympathy and.drama. So one night he had enough. He finally believed me and had witnessed it for himself three times in one week. He got in her face and told her he was calling the police if she didn't calm down and then called the hospital and let them know he was on his way with a child who he beleived was in need of a psych evaluation and was threatening to harm herself and others. So he took her in and they evaluated her. The psychologist told her she needed to be admitted if she was threatening suicide over just not getting her way. That shut her right up. She wanted nothing to do with the staff or the spotlight and being called on her bullshit by professionals she couldn't manipulate. She was put on medication ( which I am not usually a proponent of but ) and since then, he has regained all parental control with her. She does NOT talk back , she apologized to me for her behavior and disrespect and begged to never be taken back there again.

His son, his ( eyeroll ) lazy delinquent son 17, got himself thrown back into juvi and this time FDH didnt chase the idea of helping him again. Instead taking the position of " he's almost 18 let him sit there and learn.".. the charges are assault and robbery so he better NOT be running to save his son who has YEARS of history in the system and consistently lies cheats steals and even takes advantage of his Dad. He's facing over a year potentially this time. Never learns and has already been transferred from the easy daycamp like group home back to standard detention because he got into it with some other juvis and some guards, stole from another resident and lied about it. His next court date is Wednesday . I hope they throw the book at him this time and he's gone for 18 months. Without him around there's much more peace, never a worry about the police dropping him off in the middle of the night, not hearing from him for over a week and dealing ether his slob take take take mentality. Good RIDDANCE.

FDH is now seeing the things he once tried to look the other way on. He's realizing and has verbalized that he wishes he could go back and reparent them and he knows this behavior is all because of his lazy uninvolved hands off coddling.

Now my kids and I get to see him struggle with this and he's very depressed lately.

Part of me wants to put my arms around him and comfort. The other part that has disengaged and watched this trainwreck from the sidelines is almost jumping for joy because he's finally seeing it. I know that's sick and twisted. But there is a certain satisfaction in knowing that he sees its him. And making these kids of his buck up and deal with the reality of the cruel world.. the world that won't put up with their bullshit and won't take the snotnose entitled because they had a hard life excuses, and won't allow this out there.

Reality is here. Now the real relationship and tryin to rebuild this family can begin because all of the cards are on the table and no one has all the aces or is counting the cards.

Realworld 1. Manipulative teenagers, 0.

Grow up.