brand new stepparent
This is a topic that I am sure plenty of you have dealt with in one way or another. I am really hoping for some advise here, so here goes. My 14 year old stepdaughter comes over every other weekend and she will listen at our bedroom door at night and if she hears anything that she thinks might possibly sound like sex, she will start screeming, calling her mom (even if it's 1:00 AM) to come and pick her up.
She says that sex is gross and we are discusting people, and she says she will not come over unless we promise we will never have sex again. She says her mom (who is married) has never had sex with her husband in 3 years because her mom has too much respect for her daughter.
I am at a loss here.
I told my step daughter that healthy people in relationships have sex. Then she said she will only come over if she can bring her boyfriend!
I know that these are her issues, but I want to know how I can help her, and at the same time, keep myself from feeling overwhelmed when she gets so angry.
My husband just thinks she will grow up and be okay, and that she just needs some time.
OK, I feel your pain and
OK, I feel your pain and understand that this is a problem for you, but I'm also cracking up here!
What a little pain in the ass. I suggest you have sex each hour on the hour and make it excessively loud when she visits }:) I'm curious if other posters will have helpful advice... All I can think of is what you've done. She's clearly speaking out of both sides of her mouth if she is against you having sex but wants her boyfriend over. Let her get angry. Let her call BM at 1 in the morning crying and carry on with the marital relations! She's old enough to let herself out when BM gets there. And by the way, where does she think she came from? Is her mother the second Virgin Mary?
Bahahaha! Instant: ^^that
Bahahaha! Instant: ^^that was sooo funny!
Thank you for your quick and
Thank you for your quick and honest response. I think that just reading some of these issues as I was browsing this site are the biological parents responsibilities to deal with. Maybe the bio parents have unresolved guilt (from not living with their kids) therfore letting there kids get away with so much more.
In the meantime, this affects my life until they can figure this out.
Yes, but you make the best
Yes, but you make the best point which is that "this affects my life until they can figure this out" I think you have to make DH sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms that this is your home and if SD has a problem with how you behave in your home she can leave. You can't make BM deal with it, unfortunately, but I'd point out that it is highly unlikely BM's not having sex (unless her relationship really sucks) and that two consenting adults are going to behave how they want in their own home.
I would have so much sex and
I would have so much sex and hope that she sticks to her threat - you get lots of sex and the SD doesn't comeover - looks like a win win to me. lol
All kidding aside you are the parents she is the child - tell her if the your door is locked then you doing grownup things - and that she should not bother you - as far a bringing over her BF I did not understand that - does she have sex with her BF - if so she is too young - take charge now and let her see what a healthy relationship looks like - my SS's mom tries to act like she never has sex in the 7 years I have been with DH - but tells SS that she has lots of men - if her mother does not let her see that sex is good and natural between adults then let her mother deal with the fallout - but tell SD that she had better not disturb you if you are being intimate because that is your time with DH and no one should disturb that time - you need it and earn it especially if you are waiting until 1am to do it!
** Like ** I was wondering
** Like **
I was wondering about the part the most where she thinks sex is gross at this age. Do you think some girls just have an aversion? Or is that coming from BM as she is saying that she hasn't had sex with her husband?
I just think it's all really strange...
Hey I said the same thing -
Hey I said the same thing - where is my kudos - lol
perhaps we should organize a
perhaps we should organize a sex-a-thon and collect donations or something...
I am seeing a child here who
I am seeing a child here who wants to control her father - this has nothing to do with the sex - it has to do with trying to embarrass you and DH and kids think that if they bring sex into it they will embarrass you - tell her that this is how married mature adults show affection to each other - have DH set her straight about how the time you two spend together is that time for the two of you to spend together - she knows her mother is having sex - but she does not like you with her father - this is why I am so glad that I do not have a SD - I will say a prayer for you and hope things improve.
When I was growing up and even now I know that my parents have sex but I do not like to think about it - this child is just taking it to a higher level because DH is letting her. DH should also have a discussion with BM and tell her that if SD calls her in the middle of the night that she will be punished and that BM should tell her to mind her own business and go to bed.
That is exactly how I see -
That is exactly how I see - she thinks if she can make him uncomfortable enough then he will stop being with the big bad SM - to let her get away with this will be the start of a downward spiral for OP and her DH - they need to nip it in the bud now!
I don't know if she needs
I don't know if she needs therapy so much as she needs to be punished and taught to respect her SM and Birth Fathers relationship and stop trying to tell the adults what to do and how to do it!
And just maybe Sueu2 it is a
And just maybe Sueu2 it is a surface issue - the kid does not want her father with the SM - we have seen this a million times - I would not just jump right to the kid needs therapy - You see it that way that is not how I see it - we don't know the whole story and we may never know the whole story - we are offering 2 different points of view and I am not perturbed at all - this is not my household this is the OP's problem - I am just trying to offer advice much like you are - so I am lying here in bed getting ready to go to sleep not at all pissed off at this 14 year old child but I bet the OP is mad at her -
And let's not get dramatic with the How dare she? I never said that either and I don't think I used caps maybe I did but I don't think so - I don't think she is a peeping tom I think she is a pain in the ass trouble making teenage girl like most of them are - she wants her daddy and does not want anyone else to have him - I am not comfortable bringing up disorders as I have no experience in the field and would never try to convince someone that I don't know asking for advice on a non-medical site that their skid might have this disorder or that disorder - I think it is really reaching to throw the disorder card into the mix.
Let's agree to disagree on this point and let the OP decide what course she will take next - I am not going to turn this into another hijacking of a post so we can have a pissing contest - so good night Sueu2 and sweet dreams!
I am quoting you from your
I am quoting you from your own words - lets just agree to disagree - I am not going to fight with you - enough of the back and forth after this I am done and if you want to reply then go ahead and you will have the last word - I AM DONE!!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ These are your words are they not - are you not talking about me or are you talking about another poster above me because if you are you replied to my post - if you were replying to the OP then you should not reply to my post it is confusing if you do that or put the persons name that your are replying to.
You are only looking at it from a perturbed point of view, as if to say "how dare she?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Really my control tactic -
Really my control tactic - okay did not know I had the power of the jedi - I am not controlling you - you see this is what happens on every blog - You stated a point - I had a different one so I stated below you but not in reply to you but in reply to the OP - I thought your point was very excessive but I did not jump on you or your reply because I really would like to see the site stop fighting - (but I fear that that will not happen) so I made my comment and had a few people agree with me - so then you had to jump in on the convo and dispute what I said - I am not going to fight with you - if that is my control tactic then okay - I AM A CONTROL FREAK TRYING TO CONTROL SUEU2 - I really don't give you that much thought at all -
Now I am going to be crystal clear and honest - I was not looking a the situation from a perturbed view - I was looking at it from the many stories on here about how Skids try to take the parent's attention away from the step parent - you apparently have a psychology degree or are working on one and jumped right into many disorders that this child could have - I personally and not perturbedly think she is being a brat and trying to keep her daddy away from the big bad SM - see we have two different opinions - so quit commenting on mine - I purposely did not comment on your posts above to see how fast one of you would jump on my opinion - and as we can see it was fast and furious -
AS I HAVE STATED UP ABOVE LET'S AGREE TO DISAGREE AND LET THE POSTER MAKE UP HER OWN MIND AND DO WHAT SHE WANTS - WE ARE NOT HER THERAPIST NOR SHOULD WE ACT LIKE IT - and PS when I am typing in CAPS it does mean I am yelling -
My SS used to wait until he
My SS used to wait until he thought we were getting it on and then he would knock on our bedroom door - it used to annoy the hell out of me until I got one of those do not disturb signs from a hotel and I told him if it was hanging on our door the house better be on fire if he disturbs us. He never knocked again - he did try to embarrass me this summer by saying he could hear his father and I having sex - since we didn't have sex the night before I knew he was trying to bust chops - so I started moaning and then asked him if that is what he heard - he turned 6 shades of red and I am sure that subject will never be brought up again. These kids need to be put in their place - and kept there - without control you will lose your sex life and any alone time with your husband and then the most important relationship in the family will be in trouble and then the whole family relationship will be in jeopardy - without the couple being healthy the whole family can't be healthy.
This has so many issues not
This has so many issues not sure where to begin. So probably I will keep it short and say i agree with most of the post like CG, FABU and 3girls .
Listening outside my door....Not
threatening .....Not
only if her BF can come over??? WTF Not!!
Wow these kids...SMH
Whateva
I want to express my
I want to express my gratitude to everyone who has taken the time to share their experience. I know that when I hear the truth it really resinates with me, because a lot of times I already know how to handle situations. My conflict comes becaause my head wants to make a desicion based on the facts, and my heart wants to make a desicon based on emotion.
I feel encouraged to hear from other stepparents who have already been through the blended family issues and have lived to tell about it!
I wanted to exress my
I wanted to exress my gratitude to everyone who took the time to share their experience with me. I think my conflict comes, because my head wants to make a decision based on what I already know is right, but my heart wants to make a desicion based on emotion.
It is good to hear from other people who have been through the stepparenting and have lived to tell about it!
P.S. One of my favorite
P.S. One of my favorite comments was "I would have as much sex as possible!" Because really what we all need to do is to keep our sence of humor throughout this.
Wow now that,s what i would
Wow now that,s what i would call control issues. l do have some questions, what is the dad willing to do with her to put an end to that behavior? How and why does she have access to a fone at that hour? How does the BM handle them calls? Possibly suggest to the father to have a "sit down" its a open and honest talk with all parties involved. The only requirements are total honesty about everything and no one leaves the room. No punishment during or after the meeting of any issues that were covered. Please let us know what you decide to do..or not do. Good luck!!!!
Wow now that,s what i would
Wow now that,s what i would call control issues. l do have some questions, what is the dad willing to do with her to put an end to that behavior? How and why does she have access to a fone at that hour? How does the BM handle them calls? Possibly suggest to the father to have a "sit down" its a open and honest talk with all parties involved. The only requirements are total honesty about everything and no one leaves the room. No punishment during or after the meeting of any issues that were covered. Please let us know what you decide to do..or not do. Good luck!!!!