Counseling might help although truthfully she sounds like any other typical teen. However-if my typical teen says crap like this I immediately call her out on it. I might give her dishes to do all week so she can get it thru her thick skull that I dont care whether she likes it or not or whether she thinks she should have to do it or not. When she spends too much time on her phone and not enough on her schoolwork the phone either gets taken away, gets time restrictions placed on it, or number restrictions. What does your dh think counseling is going to do for her? My guess is the counselor is going to talk to him and tell him to give her consequenes.

As far as what you can do-whatever you like (seem like everyone else is). If you dont like something she says then I'd let her know-if your dh doesnt take up for you=tell him to f off too. Sorry I am in a mood. But I am tired of hearing about all these disrespectful kids and dh's who are too wimpy to do a damn thing about it.

A tactic I use sometimes with my own kids is to freak out on them. They make some smart comment without even really thinking and I go bat shit crazy. I dont beat them or call them names or even scream at them, but I just launch into an extremelhy long rant about the condition of the house, how I am tired of being everyone's slave, how maybe I am just going to quit doing anything for anyone else, blah, blah, blah-they quickly become sorry that they ever opened their mouths-heck, they just wanted to smart off and be done with it-not listen to their crazy mom's tirade. Basically I act like a dramatic teen.

I don't know how to speak up when she acts out or talks to me this way?
** "Come back and speak to me when you are going to do it respectfully."
or The next time she is disrespectful stop doing anything for her. When she asks for something, say no, you haven't earned it.

I don't know what I can and cannot say and I don't feel that my husband is willing to take up for me and fix it?

**Stand up for yourself if He isn't going to do it for you. Be calm and clear. Think about common situations and have a response prepared already. Don't react in anger. You aren't doing this to be mean, you are doing it to be treated better.

So What do I do? How do I make it clear that I need to be respected and feel comfortable saying things to the sd when she disrespects me?

By not doing anything for her unless she treats you appropriately. Don't pick her up. tell her to call her dad. Don't do her dishes/chores. Her dad can deal with it. Stop asking her to do anything. Just leave the cans and dishes sitting where she leaves them. it will get bad enough that your DH will finally deal with it.

When everyone freaks out on you, just respond calmly. She isn't respectful and I don't have to be treated that way. When she wants to treat me appropriately, then I will respond in kind.

If your husband isn't going to do it, then you have every right to put her butt in check. It's not about what you can and cannot say at that point, you have to stand up for yourself and say whatever is necessary. If her feelings get hurt, so what.

I agree that it sounds like typical behavior but it's so different when the child is not "yours" to discipline. I go thru the same lack of discipline issues with my husband and SD. It's tough, sorry, that's not a solution but know u r not alone.

Sorry to hear it, but I'm going thru the same a well. My SS17 is a likeable kid, just completely lazy and misguided. Admitted too me last year that he was trying to break his mom and I up (beacause he wanted her either all too himself or back with his dad). Broke my heart. Told my wife about this and she did absolutely nothing. In fact, all of our plans now include him. We don't go anywhere, most of the time, anymore. I relocated to a new city, she arrived here a few weeks ago and now says we must relearn one another (referring too me and her), of course that threw me for a loop because of all the bad vibes from the last year's experience with SS. I was hoping that we would have time to rekindle (SS was visiting his father after graduation in another state), our marriage ALONE. No such luck. She informed me last night that SS would be back today (in fact he is here and they are having lunch...wich we could have lunch together sometime). But it is what it is...didn't mean too share soo much, but I know your pain.

Guess I also went through the explanation as jerky as it was too say, YOU HAVE TOO BE YOURSELF. I'm not yelling at all (never have). But equally, I'm not saying anything else too mom either. You get to a point where you are just done, and I'm there right now. In fact, I am at the point of leaving the two of them in the house I just rented. I can't shake the non-support from her and I will not tolerate SS's actions in my house. I've always said that I will not make mom choose between her son and me, but at this stage I don't frikkin' care anymore.

You have too look at the wimpiness of your husband like I have to look at the wimpiness of my wife and MAKE A DECISION FOR YOURSELF. You have the evidence and YOU know if this will continue. I told my wife that I will no longer wait for the SS to just up and leave to start his life. I've been put off for far too long and treated poorly in the interim. MAKE A DECISION FOR YOURSELF and let the two of them enjoy one another.