Advice Please!!
So I have a teenage step daughter that is 17 whom I have been a constant figure in her life since she was 8. H er father has full custody of them. Their BM has been in and out of their lives due to drugs. But about a year ago my H decided to let my SD go live with her BM bc at the time she was clean and no longer using and my SD wanted to go live with her. Well a few weeks back her BM called my H and told him that she was kicking her out that she couldn't live with her anymore because she was cussing her and trying to hit her when she told her she couldn't do something. So she comes back to live with us. and instead of my H getting on to her for being disrespectful to her BM and punishing her it just got swept under the rug. She has had an awful attitude since she has moved back. She doesn't do anything but text and talk on the phone. So we have been at odds. Because she doesn't follow house rules. Well over the weekend we had an incident...she had asked if her and her friend that was with her could run and get a milkshake and of course her dad said yes even though it was after 11 at night. Then he goes to bed and tells me she should be back in a little bit. I end up having to call because an hour and a half had passed and she was not home. When I call and ask her where she is she says at a friends and I replied with well you didn't ask to go there you need to get home now. And she makes the comment "let me talk to my daddy". Needless to say this infuriated me. long story short she ended up cussing, yelling and tried to hit me. Saying things like I hate you, F you, I wish my dad would divorce you, your a piece of Sh**. And it just keeps going. All because I made her give me the car keys. I told my H and he said I'll take care of it...the only thing that he said to her was "you know you are walking a fine line" and that's it!!! I am disgusted and infuriated. He never disciplines her it's always swept under the rug and it has gotten to the point where I am ready to file for a divorce just to get away from it. and when I tell him this he says "Go" because he doesn't think I will. So I need advice!!!
Also I never thought it would
Also I never thought it would come to her trying to get physical with me. But its like he could care less what she does like if he ignores it it will just go away. And when I try to discuss it with him he gets upset with me because I brought it up. I honestly don't think I can let this go.
Abusive is abusive is abusive
Abusive is abusive is abusive no matter what age. Call the police, if she is doing this to you and her BM then it will only be a matter of time before she does it to others. If she ever tries to be physical with you, you call the police. Nip it in the butt and show that that is NEVER okay or what stops her next time from seriously hurting you.
As far as the DH is concerned, i'm sorry but it doesn't sound like he respects you enough to stand up for you, even as a person, let alone a wife. I agree with the above and say disengage when you can from SD because i'm afraid this is just the beginning to see what she can do and get away with. Make the DH deal with her and see her horrible behavior. Tell him he cannot ignore this situation and needs to deal with it now! If I were you, I would run, tell him that if he doesn't take care of this situation then you choose to not be around, but be prepared to actually leave. Either way, if he cannot deal with this, then things will only get worse and you cannot go through this by yourself.
I agree with the other
I agree with the other posters here. She is 17...at that age, if she gets in your face and tries to hit you, that is a police matter. Let DH know such, that you will not hesitate to call the police if he doesn't do something to control his unruly daughter. I can promise you that if my SD14 EVER things she is big and bad enough to hit me, there WILL be cops involved! Tell DH if she gets like that again, you will simply walk away from her, and he needs to deal with it. If he doesn't, he will be dealing with charges being brought up on his daughter, and her potentially having to live in a juvenile halfway house because you will get a restraining order against her.
As for her going out at all hours...again, I agree with the other posters...disengage! I understand that this may be hard to do, as I've had to do this recently myself. Don't let her have your car...ever. Keep your keys away from her reach...I never leave my keys were SD14 can get to them, I don't trust her! If she has her own car or takes off with a friend in their car, just leave it be. If DH isn't concerned about where his daughter is and what she is doing, you shouldn't be either. Yes, I know it is tough to not care, but if he isn't going to be a parent, there isn't much you can do about the situation. Like my SD14 getting full phone rights back...I'm pretty sure she is already up to no good...just certain things that have already changed since her phone was unlocked (like her spending 4 whole days at BM's house without once complaining to DH that she was bored or in an argument with BM...of course, she now can contact all of her friends who live in that neighborhood that she would smoke pot with, so I'm most certain THAT is what has been going on this weekend, and I seriously doubt the situation in that home has drastically changed). DH made the decision to unlock her phone, he can now deal with the consequences! You are just going to have to do the same thing...your DH is making these decisions without you, he can deal with the consequences.
I just feel so helpless in
I just feel so helpless in the whole situation but tea maybe it is time for me to step back and let him deal with the fall out. And after the fact she actually tried to blame me for it happening bc I got on to her. She is a spoiled and thinks the world revolves around her. Don't get me wrong I pushed my parents when I was a teen but I would NEVER try to hit my parents or any adult for that matter. She has no respect. It will completely devastate me and our two boys if we have to leave bc of this. But I suppose I need to put my money where my mouth is so to speak. Also it's like the BM an SD are trying to tear us apart. I don't know if the SD just wants daddy all to herself or if she doesn't want me around bc I make her mind. Oh and this all happened I front of one of her friends and the poor girl didn't know what to do. I know this will sound awful but it took everything I had not to just hit her. But of course I don't want charges against me for putting my hands on a minor. And I did tell the DH that if it ever happened again she will be dealing with the cops bc I will not have a ten nagger thinking she can walk all over me and put her hands on me. Also she tries to pit her dad and I against each other...since she has moved back in it has been hell. Him and I fight so much now bc he doesn't know how to handle her and instead let's her manipulate him. So I guess time will tell. Thank you all for your comments, I don't feel so hopeless with the situation now!