3 questions - (but no venting!)
But what would you say, if you could?
As a new member of the forum (but not to the world of step-parenting), I'd appreciate your thoughts to help me to make some decisions with my own struggles. So, what better way than to ask 3 questions to get an insight into your experience and wisdom? Here are my questions:
1: After all these years, what conclusions would you like to share about step-parenting?
2: And after those conclusions crystallized within, what did you decide you would do about your situation?
3: And now 'X' years have passed, how did your decisions work out?
As a step-parent myself, I fully understand the need to vent but, I was hoping this could be kept concise so it's easily absorbed and the poignant things you had to say would remain and make a lasting impression (a bit like speed-dating - "You have 60 seconds, GO...!!")
Thank you..!
1. Stop trying so hard to be
1. Stop trying so hard to be "accepted" or a "friend."
2. My steps were adults (chronologically speaking) when I married DH, so I wasn't expected to "parent" per se. After trying too hard (see #1) I finally left all skid-related things up to him. Phone calls, gifts, travel arrangements, etc. Sometimes I visit the skids with him, sometimes not. They are welcome to visit us, but DH does all the cooking and cleaning and entertaining (and I participate as I choose, and generally I participate a lot but it is not an expectation on his part). DH does not know the word "no" when it comes to his kids, but I do. No more money, no change in plans when a kid's opinion differs from ours (example, DH and I had agreed on a color to paint the bathroom but SD didn't like it and had a whole different decorating scheme, so in an instant DH wanted to scrap our plans and go with what his Princess wanted). Lots of other examples about changes and being excluded, but I eventually found my voice to calmly articulate to DH what I wanted and needed. Fortunately, DH heard me.
3. Fantastic. Recently DH told me how much he appreciated my forcing him to take a look at his relationship with his kids. He operated out of fear. He still can't tell them "no" easily, but he does. He even called out SD on some rude behavior. He never makes (or changes) a decision that involves me without my input and agreement. And I basically have a civilized, sometimes even warm, relationship with his kids. They take up WAY less space in my head than they used to, the anger and anxiety are all but gone, and I most sincerely want them to be happy, independent, and successful. For the most part, they are heading in the right direction for that.
BOOM! I feel like you just
BOOM! I feel like you just crashed my party!
Is it possible that you are requesting my valuable pearls of wisdom as an "eat and run"? I speak for myself..this site has allowed me to VENT and process a lot of crap. Many member have been here for years. We may disagree yet there is one thing that we have in common. We need to vent our angst to someone willing to listen.I have taken advice and willingly contributed my feedback to others. Even if its just to acknowledge each others suffering.
Somehow I feel Ive earned my pearls of wisdom by blood, sweat and tears.Im not very eager to just dish them over to you.I ask you, why are you unwilling to hear my "venting"? It appears you just intend to TAKE. I do not feel you qualify for my wisdom.ill leave you with a lasting impression. I decline your request.
Are you writing a paper?
Are you writing a paper?
Definitely a research project
Definitely a research project going on here. At least be open and honest about your motives on here, OP.
Mmmmm, that didn't go as well
Mmmmm, that didn't go as well as expected.
With honest intentions and with an honest heart, it's surprising how people get the wrong impression of ones true motives. Maybe that's how our step-kids see us and our intentions? Maybe that's how we see them? Maybe this is where it all starts to go wrong? Maybe this is why we're all here..?
Anyway, who knows? Not me. But that's why I'm here, asking questions and trying to understand how I got myself into this situation and how do I resolve it.
Venting? You don't need me, to tell you about venting. The 'Venting Club' is something that every step-parent is automatically enrolled. But do I want to sit here and write things like, "he did this, so I did that, then his mother did something else.." line after line after line? No. I don't want to do that at this time. If I have something I want to vent about, sure, I'll vent. Heaven knows, before writing this, my first post, I've read and read peoples vents until my eyes felt like they were about to fall out.
But this was not the purpose of my post. There is so much venting sometimes, that you can't get to the 'real message' of what people are actually trying to say, what they know or any advice. Hence, my 3 questions and a light-hearted request to keep it simple and to the point using the analogy of 'speed-dating'.
You know, when I teach the guitar to some young kid, I tell him from day 1 the collective knowledge that I have to help him. I use my 40 years of guitar experience to guide him what to do, how to do it, which guitar to buy etc. I wouldn't let him wander aimlessly into a guitar shop and regret for the next 10 years the crap guitar he bought, all because I thought he should 'pay his dues' first..
Something else to consider that's probably closer to home: The next time your PC is not working as it should, when you post a question to a forum saying something like, "Can anyone help, I'm desperate, my PC won't work?", I hope nobody turns around and says something to you like:
"...Hey, don't come here wanting to take our PC knowledge and wisdom! You want to to know how to fix your PC lady? Pay your dues, with blood sweat and tears like we all did for 15+ years. You want to just eat and run with our PC knowledge..?"
Ouch..
If you don't want to answer, that is your decision and I respect that. But the reason that people (me included) come here (or to any forum to get help), is that we don't have the answers. We (I) need your help - before we do something crazy like leave our homes and our partners, then realize it was the worst decision we ever made..
Am I writing a paper? No, but what a good idea! Maybe I could turn these years of hell into some sort of dissertation and actually get something out of it, become a 'Doctor of dysfunctional families' or something and earn big bucks - just for listening to people venting..!
To the first two posters I'd like to say a big thank you, it was exactly what I was looking for and, I believe summaries of experience like the ones you gave are invaluable for everyone who comes across them.
Anyway, I need to close. Thank you for at least replying and good luck with your own struggles and situations.
Thank you..
You'll get all kinds of
You'll get all kinds of responses from all kinds of people on this board. Its interesting to read other people point of views, etc. Lots of sarcasm on this board but also lots of good reading and good people here. Hope you find what you are looking for.
Ill attempt to speak your
Ill attempt to speak your language.
I think that what you are looking for is like searching for the title to a song.
What you are missing is the music...venting is like a musical experience...its is a shared experience from the one creating it to the one tuning in to listen....it comes from the heart..emotions of all sorts expressed in words. Its visceral human experiences of love, sadness, anger,encouragement, hope and despair, loud or soft....maybe even ugly.
Music can just be a background noise,too..Nag Nag,Nag... Yet, when you really tune in and listen..
...well, you play guitar....In great honor of Hendrix and Prince..The song..Purple Haze by JHendrix is no different than my venting.
What an eloquent response...
What an eloquent response...
Thank you. I am humbled by
Thank you. I am humbled by the personal songs Ive listen to, over the years.
The beat goes on....
Epoch...Tell us about your
Epoch...Tell us about your "years of hell". Ill give you the title.."WRONG IMPRESSION"..perhaps your journey will benefit you and all of us..Im listening.
1: After all these years,
1: After all these years, what conclusions would you like to share about step-parenting?
- do not do more for the steps than what their own bio parents do. it will only bite you in the butt;
- you aren't going to love them and that's ok;
- you aren't the babysitter or the additional paycheck;
- you are NOT obligated to do one thing for them/are NOT the stand-in parent.
2: And after those conclusions crystallized within, what did you decide you would do about your situation?
- I no longer try and make up for SS13's useless BM2;
- I let DH do all the parenting;
- I have disengaged and step in when and if I see or feel like it;
3: And now 'X' years have passed, how did your decisions work out?
It's only been a few months of being disengaged, together for 4.5 years, but it's working out quite lovely!
1: After all these years,
1: After all these years, what conclusions would you like to share about step-parenting?
-it sucks
-don't expect anything warm and fuzzy out of it
-you cant save your stepkids from their idiot parents
-its a thankless job
2: And after those conclusions crystallized within, what did you decide you would do about your situation?
-disengage
-lower my expectations
-give up my fairytale fantasy
3: And now 'X' years have passed, how did your decisions work out?
-I still don't love my stepkids
-they still don't love me
1: Step-parenting is really a
1: Step-parenting is really a thankless job so better not expect acknowledgement or appreciation, whatever it is you choose to do, remember it won't be appreciated (by anyone including your DH) and you will be judged as not measuring up no matter how much you do or how great you are to your skids
2: Stop trying so hard, fuss less, give less, care less
3: With the evil SD and my DH much less stress and feelings of hurt
I already went through the
I already went through the whole process and didn't find this site until most of the worst was over.
The things I would love to tell all SMs who are like I was are:
Don't bend over backwards to be superSM. The skids won't appreciate it and BM will flat out resent the hell out of it if she is insecure about her own (lack of) parenting abilities.
Don't lose your own life in the process. For years, everything was about the skids and how horrible BM was being to them and to us.
Don't be surprised at the depths to which someone will sink if they hate their ex more than they love their children.
1: After all these years,
1: After all these years, what conclusions would you like to share about step-parenting?
- Step-parenting is THE worst job in the world
- do not attempt to be a "parent" to a child that is not yours or chosen to be yours (ie. adopted)
- do not sacrifice your financial security for another woman's child
- find a man with no children
2: And after those conclusions crystallized within, what did you decide you would do about your situation?
- I started to be more aware of the finances and how unfair the situation was for me. I stopped spending more on the step-kids than DH
- I stopped feeling sorry for the SK who were always playing the victim card - still do and they are both in their late to mid 30's!
- Finally disengaged 100% approx 3.5 years ago
- Went to counseling for myself and also marriage counseling. Individual counseling was the most helpful as it taught me to be stronger and sure of my decisions. It also taught me to look after myself more since my health was failing all around.
3: And now 'X' years have passed, how did your decisions work out?
- I am resentful for being used and abused by both the SK and DH
- I am resentful because essentially by disengaging they got exactly what they wanted - me out of the picture. But on the flip side - I don't want to be part of that dysfunctional circus. Dammed if you do and dammed if you don't scenario.
- Most of the time I have much less stress and anxiety than I used to due to disengaging. It can still creep up on me when I re-live things that have happened in the past. Very hard to let it go.
- Still working on having peace in my heart and letting go of the negative feelings.
-
1: After all these years,
1: After all these years, what conclusions would you like to share about step-parenting?
The key portion of the title of "Step Parent" is not Step. It is PARENT!!! As SParents we are first and foremost our spous's equity life partner and the spouse and marriage come first. Kids, Xs, nor anything else for that matter can come before the partner and the marriage. Kids are the top marrital responsibility but nothing ever takes priority over the marriage. PERIOD! As an equity parent to all kids in the marrital home regardless of kid biology we get veto rights and always take precidence over the Xs ... yes... even in parenting. We are not our kid's or Skid's friends. We are their example, mentor, confidante, advocat, and disciplinarian. Not their friend. The same applies for our life partner. They are not their or our kid's friend. Nor should any of us be.
2: And after those conclusions crystallized within, what did you decide you would do about your situation?
I commited to being my brides equity life partner, held her to that same standard in her treatment of me, and gave her the messsage that if she did not like how I was parenting or disciplining then she had a choice. Step up and get it done before I had to or bite her tongue, have my back, and take any disagreements to the privacy of our own space away from SS's hearing and vision. The same applied to me.
3: And now 'X' years have passed, how did your decisions work out?
Nearly 22 years after we married it has worked out quite well. We have partnered in making a life together. We have partnered in pursuing and advancing our educations and professional qualifications 3 degrees and two professional certs, and a professional license later. A dual Major BS with honors, an MBA with honors, and a CPA for her and an MBA with honors, a professional license, and a professional certification for me. Together we have saved and invested for our joint retirement. We are seeing the world during our final 10-15yrs of work. Most importantly we raised a son to be a young man of honor, character, accomplishment, and standing in his profession and community in spite of the influences of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. 13mos ago SS (then 22) asked me to adopt him. We made that happen.
His mom and I are proudly watching him live a quality life as we enjoy every second of our empty nester years together.
Life is good.
