can do it! I sure have never been able to find that balance..... I do wish you luck though.

"BM doesn't know how to not hate me and being in the business of extremes, she thinks we need to be best friends instead."

You just gave me an a-ha moment. My BM is Bipolar as well (also diagnosed, and very unpredictable). In the early days, she did this, too: tried make DH hate me, then tried to be my best friend, then decided she despised me. But I never really connected her extreme behavior to her BPD and her cycles. That actually makes a lot of sense!

Thanks!

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

anyone can do it you can.
you are very Zen...
hugs
K

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

I feel your pain and frustration. We deal with a BiPolar BM as well. I think my saving grace is that the kids live with us and therefore BM has less influence on them. BM makes it her business to try and be June Cleaver to the outside world. She has never once helped the kids in 5 years with HW. No I take that back, she has about 5 times between the two. BUT she has gone and join PTA at the school and goes out and volunteers in SSs class. I used to volunteer, but to avoid any conflicts I backed off. Not only that but she makes it her business to have her face plastered everywhere the kids may or may not be just to say "I'M THE MOM." I could careless that she volunteers because if that is her contribution, so be it as long as I'm not there. It gets very uncomfortable for me when there is an event and she decides to show up. I tell the kids to go and be with her if they choose since I get them all the time. It is no longer hard for me to encourage that even though I must admit that sometimes I would rather not. But those are the times that I need to step outside myself and encourage the kids and reassure them that I am there no matter what. In doing so they are comfortable with going over and hanging out with her and enjoying whatever event it is. It is most uncomfortable when DH is away and not able to be there because that is when I see BM trying to challenge and bully me. Which to me is crazy. She is there for her kids and not me and it should not matter if I am there to support them or not.

As far as parties...BM is just not invited when its our dime. We have tried to no avail. You would have to KNOW the hell that we have endured at her hands and it is not fair to us, the kids or our guests to be in an uncomfortable hostile environment. If BM choses to throw a party we step aside and throw our own separately. That way she can be comfortable around her people and us around ours.

And as far as being frend-ly...NEVER gonna happen. I deal with someone who HATES the very air I breathe. I have never done anything to this woman. I have tried to co-exist and co-parent and all that good stuff. I encourage her kids to call her and share with her the great things that happen to them and even the not so great. I have stepped back and stepped aside to allow her to be a mother, not because I am incapable of parenting the kids but because as a mother I know how it feels to be involved and present in our kids lives so I have tried and I do mean TRIED to afford her that opportunity even while she is NCP. What I have gotten in return is CPS called on me with crazy accusations, lied on to the extent no one could possibly imagine, trash talked about at EVERY chance she gets even when I have NOTHING to do with whatever the situation is and just name called to the tune that you don't want to hear. So, I can understand your confusion and torment there, but as for me I have given up the idea that THAT will ever be the case. Not only that but DH DESPISES the ground she walks on for the crap that she has done to him.

An even sadder reality is that the kids know that BM is struggling mentally yet they hang on her every word most days. Well SS. I can't change that nor do I wish to as I am a firm believer that when they are ready to accept BM as she is they will open their eyes to all things that are her and I don't have to open my mouth giving them reason to hate me. I do now clarify things, but I never set out to change their views and opinions of her. At the rate she's going, she enlightens them herself.

I WISH I had some advice for you, but since you want to have a working relationship with BM obviously my advice to be hands off is not an acceptable solution for you. Good luck with that. I just find that the BPD is so erratic that I can never keep up to be on the same chapter let alone page as BM.

Just because one opens her legs twice, does not a mother make! ~ ME ~ }:-P

I have a neighbor that is bipolar, and I have the same problems with her as you all are having with BP BM's. My neighbor is either in your face, and won't leave you alone, or she is so mad at you, she is vandalizing your stuff. She was obviously in one of her downswings once and was over bad mouthing my daughter and her dogs who were staying with me. So instead of just ignoring her, I got in her face, and what did she do that very night, just a few hours later, vandalized my daughter's car (might have been mine, but it wasn't there). Then she will come around and be all nice and friendly. At first I would fall for the 'friendly Kim' each time, then she wouldn't leave me alone, would be sitting on my front porch waiting for me to get home from work - wanting all of my time. Once when I first moved in, she wanted to know why I didn't invite her along to go out with me and my BF (I'd probably known her a matter of 3 months) One time she took off my screen and went through my window to feed my cat, who was perfectly fine, but I just didn't respond to one of her 15 phone calls over the weekend asking what I was doing. Now, I have learned that I have to remain distant no matter what mood she is in, and not too interested in anything she says. I've learned it is best to say nothing more than you have to. And I suppose it is the same way with the BP BMs. Although harder, I'm sure, when there are SKIDS involved. This woman is BP and an alcoholic. She is definitely scary, one neighbor put in motion detector lights, one built a fence that is about 15 feet high, and they've all indicated that it's because of her.

I think you are over-thinking, over-analyzing and being overly-hard on yourself.

Chill...You can't make yourself like your hubby's-ex, why try.?. You aren't "missing out" on anything. That is just something I think DH is telling you because he thinks it is your responsiblity to fix things. Call it like it is. I think you are awesome and if bm can's see that, she is the one hurting herself and her girls, not you.

May be time for another WWF Knockdown.... JK.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

Rather than hate try a less emotional and more cerebral approach to your opinion and feelings about BM.

Try contempt, disdain, disgust and the general perspective of detesting the BM.

When my wife lets SpermGrandMa get under her skin spermGrandMa ends up the one in control of the conflict of the moment. Over the years my wife has learned that if she stays calm, focused, direct, assertive and treats SpermGrandMa or BioDad with a general level of contempt and acts professionally that they do not attempt to manipulate nearly as much as when my wife attempts to be considerate, pleasant or gets angry and lets them under her skin.

We have learned after years and years of our own tensions over THEM that we will under no circumstances give them control over us by making us angry. So we just find them to be generally disgusting and reprehensible and treat them accordingly.

We don't react, we act and stay in control. The really cool part of this perspective is that there are little or no associated tensions between my wife and I and rather than ranting after speaking with THEM we get a good chuckle about how pathetic they are when we don't let them get to us.

Try it. It turns getting THEM to squirm in to a tag team sport.

Of course due to the highly contentious and emotional nature of the situation (my SS's best interests) we do get a a little emotional about the situation occasionally. But not nearly as often or to the degree that we used to.

As Bewitched pointed out, with a BiPolar/BPD BM maybe just keeping a consistent level of disinterest regarding BM is the best way to go to minimize your own anxieties over the situation.

My SS's SpermFamily does not have the excuse of a mental/emotional illness. They are just generally pathetic so over the years we have turned exposing their general state of patheticness (is that a word?) and idiocy in to a sport.

Best regards,

I am just now finding my way to find that balance and I LIVE with SD. I know you will get there one day too. I know it is so extremely hard, and when people say "just disengage" how impossibly overly simple that is. B/c I think you and are very much the same on disengagement- as a matter of fact that's where WE are not gray thinkers. It's all or nothing.

So we can either give up our own happiness and suck it up to let BM/SD run a muck with our feelings, our stress hormones, our complexions (ok that's MY symptom- GOD did you see those pix of my horrible red blotchiness that Sia took? EEK!)

You'll be happy to know and just check out my svelte new FB profile pic to prove it, but my new balancing act of real and healthy disengagement from Borderline behavior is finally paying off in my health and my appearance. I'm returning to the stage and to my dreams of teaching theatre. I'm freer. NOT FREE yet, but freeER. And you can get there too. It's a process and you can't get to it til the epiphanies pop into your head.

My favorite quote from a book Sia ended up buying but I didn't get yet (haven't felt the need to read more yet, but I will my friend, I know I will regress again) was-

"Just b/c you feel manipulated by the BPD doesn't mean their intent is to manipulate you."

And BINGO. Big lightbulb. Painfully bright actually, so much so I was spiraling down into a Flight or Fight- ok MIGRATE at the very least- abyss for several weeks.

And then I landed softly onto a fluffy bit of release...comprehension....and surrender.

As you yourself have told me many times, it's not our job to fix them and we'll kill ourselves or go crazy trying to make sense of them.

Sigh...

Do it with me...

Breatheeeeeeeee and Relaxxxxxxx....

It's ok to miss some things. I have missed most of my SD's things now, and she really doesn't care about it so much. I bet that if you have some things scheduled for you when it's game night (I know your girls are in that sports season soon) they won't even know that you are creating some CG space for yourself.

You DESERVE IT. Just b/c it feels selfish doesn't make it so. I promise.

Much love, many hugs, and some jello shots to you.

Z

"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert

You know, in all I went through, with all your insight, you were the one who got me to not hate the BM in my situation. I pitied her. I hoped for her. I still do, after hearing what he just manipulated her through. Some of it was for the kids' sake, so she'd do the very best for them, and they wouldn't ever lack because of her feelings and reactions. A good part of it was for her sake, though. I really did want her to find true happiness. Although, that was self-serving. I thought if she found it, she'd leave us alone. Having stepped away from ex-fh and all his drama, I still hope for her and for those kids. Partially because I came to love those babies in that short time. But, mostly for her. Because I find it hard to hate anyone. I think you are similar to me in that. I think you have our "two year-old" moments. I think we need to stomp our feet sometimes. But, remember, some of it is in remembering who you can stomp your feet in front of (us) at all times vs. who you can stomp your feet in front of some of the time.

Now, in missing out, if DH made that comment, I think it would be in reference to his feeling pulled away from the party. And, I think you're right; that isn't fair to anyone. And, I think you feel guilt because you know it's unfair to SD and DH and you love THEM. And, I think you feel mad because you feel guilt. To that, I say, start drinking. JK. Well, sort of....

A very wise CG taught me that you put yourself first at certain times, you put DH first at other times, and you put SK's first many times. It's a balance. Make a list of a few simple boundaries to put up again. Give yourself a little bit of that control back. I think you've felt strangely more at war at her than I detected when we first started conversing. Having met your BM, I find it hard to hate her. I feel mostly pity for her. Pity that she rides that roller coaster and she isn't happy. I think she's in awe of you and the wonderful job you do with her girls. I also think she dislikes you for the things she can't do anywhere near as well as you do for the girls. Those are two extreme emotions that I think any BM who deals with a great SM is going to feel at times. Don't hate the hater. Can you imagine me saying that in person? Made you smile.

Seriously, back to disengaging. You can disengage in multiple ways. You are very talented at doing my favorite kind. When she starts an inappropriate topic of conversation, change the subject. Disengage from the subject. I know it's hard with her. But, you know that if you compliment her on something with the girls, she'll be putty in your hands.

I may just drive myself down there and fill your freezer with a week's worth of yummy things to say thanks for the move. Then, at least, I'd see you. I've been seeing our downtown friend a couple times a week lately. Love you much. Here if you need me. I can always come down and distract her for you for a bit.

To every thing there is a season.