I don't know if I should leave or not
I live with (common law) a woman and have lived with her and her BS , 13 year old son for nine years. We have an 8 yr old daughter together. For years I have watched the BM spoil her son ..she says she protects him beause I am always on his case, nagging him and "yelling" at him....she admits a lot of it is to do with the guilt of separating him from his father. I don't ask for much. He pretty much has taken over our one t.v. room, a den in the basement...I don't watch a lot of t.v. so for the most part have let it go..all I ask is he cleans ups his mess..this has never happened...he opens popsicles, pops, pizza cartons , candies what ever and always leaves the wrappers on the table..they are left there for days and stuck to the table..when I do decide to go watch the 11:00 news I have to move all of his stuff off the couch just to sit down..then I have to look at the mess..I have even gone so far as putting a garbage pail beside teh couch within arms reach of him and he still can't throw out his garbage...it's the same for everything...he leaves a trail behind him and either his mom or mother in law go behind him and pick it up...not only do I not want to have to live with a pig, I am trying to teach him some sort ot rules, independence, structure....but it all goes out the window....he always wants to make home made pizza but when he does, he cooks, then walks aways leaving a trail of pizza sauce cans, wrappers, dirty dishes and piles of cheese etc.on the counter...he wants all the glory from creating a pizza but doesn't want to do the hard part and clean up..so tonight I asked him to clean up....it's like talking to a wall so I started telling him what I meant be cleaning up...you have to spell things out for him..like put the spices back etc..before I could even start his mother was all over me telling me not to nit pick..and just leave him alone and not to hover.....there are too many examples to list but that's the gist of it...I don't come from a lot of money but we are doing okay financillay...but he always wants the best of everything...he asked his mom for a new $ 500 electirc guitar ONE MONTH after christmas....I didn't think it was right but she says he has wanted it for months ..I asked why he didn't ask for it for x-mas but she said he did but she didn;t have time to get it...so he got completely spoiled and everything he wanted fo x-mas..new ITOUCH..etc..etc...and now is still getting the new guitar......I have been asking for months that he does ONE chore around teh house..and that is when he comes from school, check to see if garbage, compost or recycling needs to be taken out....WITHOUT being asked to do it....it would take him most ten minutes..it's never happened..I ask him ONCE a week to help me take out the garbage and that is always a fight...tonight he said he can't because he has homework....his mom ended up making him do it but just ONCE it would be nice to get it done without starting a fight......I love my daughter so much I don;t want her to grow up without a father (I mean living with her, no matter what I would never be far)...but I don't know if I can go on like this.we've tried counselling, the "united front" which lasts a day or two and the she is right back to over protecting him and letting him away with murder.....tonight I asked him one thing, coud he take his cup up when he goes to bed..ten minutes later he goes to bed and his cup is still sitting there..this may sound anal but it's the principal..he wants EVERYTHING ..anf gets everything but can't do small thing like a daily chore or even clean up after himself....we have our moments when we ski or play guitar or wrestle, we have a few laughs..I want to like him, but I think I hate him (even though most of his ways are a result of his mother not parenting)...I don't know if it would be selfish of me to leave (for my daughter I mean) or am I entitled to some sanity..we have some good days but I would say 5 out of 7 we are fighting over her son....I also fear I would be alone and regret leaving..I am outgoing and make friends quickly I just don't know if I should let him get to me to the point of moving out...my partner is an attractive girl and we get along great when we are alone...we just can't seem to live under the same roof as her son......
Any advice ?????
Any one been in this situation and left.....if so, are you happy you did or regret it.
Thanks,
End of my rope.
In any household there
In any household there should be rules and consequences, you are not wrong to want these. If he can't keep the TV room tidy, no TV room. If he can't keep the kitchen tidy after cooking, no cooking. If he can't help out around the house, no spending money. I don't know why your wife doesn't see this but she's turning him into a fine example of apron-tied co-dependence. You need to tell her that you are ready to leave unless things change.
Frankly the problem is not her son, it's her parenting.
Ding... ding... ding...
Ding... ding... ding... ding... We have a winner. No point reading anything else, this person nailed it. Could not agree more.
I am living the same
I am living the same nightmare right now as well. I have two ss at home one is twenty and one sixteen. they are spoiled, no rules, no structure, and i am the bad guy every day. I am told by my fiance that all i do is bitch, well no, all i do is clean up after his imbosils and i am tired, mine are grown and respectful. he is terrible at parenting, all he wants to do is get them grown, but the oldest is grown and still wont get out on his own and thinks its his fathers responsibility to take care of him, wont work, wont get a licence (which i find weird for a 20 yr old man) these kids are the only ones in the family and they all think they super gods and do no wrong, frankly i think they both arent quite all there. i dont know what to do either. i am so upset all the time that i can hardly work some days. i can
relate, i just want to enjoy life a little and my fiance doesnt give me any support at all. and my fiances sister, she is doing everything she can to split us up. she is fifty, no kids, no husband, and has nothing else to do. she thinks she knows everything and knows nothing. uuuuurrrrrrr this family, i dont know what to do either. but at least you know someone else is out there with the same problems. i have even apologized for things i didnt cause, but figured it would save on my sanity in the long run.
I am a parent that has let
I am a parent that has let his partner down big time when it came to disciplining my children and taking the lead. I got my wake up call when my partner left. despte all the pain and anger we love each other deeply and are trying to work on it.
Maybe focus on your partner. If you both truely love each other you both are going to have to come together on this. She needs to realize that the both of you are going to be together for a lot longer than the kids will be around (hopefully). Neither of you is nuts or unreasonable. You need to talk and get on the road to recovery or unfortunately separation.
Its tough for her I will bet too. Talk with her and try to understand what she is feeling deep down in side.
You need to join together if you can and focus on your love.
Wow, this is uncannily
Wow, this is uncannily similar to my own situation with my SD. The problem that you have isn't the kid, it is the mothers total failure to parent her child. My wife is a dolting mother who completely coddles and spoils her child. She puts up with pretty much anything from her. Mother wants me to love her daughter like she does but, hard to feel love for a disprespectful, whiney demanding little brat. At first I stepped in and tried to create some boundaries and rules and it totally backfired on me. To her mother, I am "harsh" she is "only a kid" and countless other excuses not to set any boundaries. The child tells her mom that she hates me and quite frankly, I really don't care to be around her anymore. Of course, my wife punishes me by withdrawing affection. I could go on but it is essentially the same thing you would read in counteless other posts. I love my wife very much but am tired of having my life run by a 10 year old.
Look up "Spoiled child syndrome" my SD epitomizes the description. Then google "passive parenting" and that is what my wife does. She seems to think that the only thing that matters is that her child is happy and that diciplining her or assigning her chores to do will make her unhappy and that is, somehow, robbing her of her childhood. The result of that is that she will not make her do anything, no chores, won't make her pick up after herself allows her daughter to be rude, disrepectful and helpless. Makes me insane. I tried to explain it to her mother but she is totally oblivious and defensive.
As I said, I am at the same point, I am about to leave. But, before I do that, I am going to offer an ultimatum.
She either takes a parenting class and we go to a family counsellor, or I am done.
Would like some feed back from this group. Should I offer the ultimatum or just run like hell and not look back?