Friction with Fiance's Son
Hello,
I am glad to have found this forum. I have been coming here and reading for a while and just now have gotten to the point where I want to post. I am with a woman who is really great as a partner with a son who’s behavior is really starting to cause friction. He is 9 and I have been with his mother since he was 5, so I have been in his life for a while. He was always a handful but as he gets older it is becoming something more.
He has always been disrespectful, but when he was young it was in such a way that you could excuse it as funny or just a kid being a kid. He would call people names in the way a kid would but it always made people laugh. Still it was a red flag, kids should not talk to adults in the way he would. He would always interrupt adults and really was never disciplined that I saw. But is was always passed off as just kidding around. Also every time he and his mother went to the store he came home with a toy. Every time. She seems to be fundamentally incapable of telling him no.
As he has gotten older his disrespect for adults has grown. He is defiant even when it comes to the most simple of things. Every night getting him to take a bath is an ordeal. He whines and cries when he has to do homework. He is not doing well in school. He has already had a few discipline issues at school and is only in 3rd grade. He tells his mother no all the time. Just defiant and had no fear. He is on his tablet non-stop, I am convinced that thing is ruining him, but his mother lets him because when he is on that thing he is not bothering her.
Sometimes when he gets home or we pick him up from school or the sitter he refuses to speak to me. Never says hello to me, and his mom lets him. He is so rude to me sometimes, then other times he wants to play wrestle with me and acts like he really likes me. Mostly he is rude after spending time with his dad so who knows what he is getting there. But either way she lets it pass and never corrects him.
I found the guilt parent list on here and she does a lot of the things on it. She has to lay with him every night to make him go to sleep. He definitely has poor bedtime habits and is stunted socially , the local kids don’t play with him anymore ( which really makes me sad and I don’t know what to do I always had lots of friends). She absolutely can’t say no to him. She tells me to relax when I bring something up. A lot of times he wants to be in her lap and in her space. He will call from his room that he is thirsty or hungry and she will get up and wait on him, this one drives me nuts and although I have made some progress I haven’t been able to stop it. There is a lot more but I am sure you all get it.
So here I am writing on this forum. Like I said she is amazing as a partner. I have never been with anyone I get along with so well. We are very compatible as a couple. Her child though is an issue. I have voiced concerns over the last four years and they have fallen on deaf ears. The things that were minor then are starting to get worse. I really fear for this kids and her future. So that is where I am asking for advice. Has anyone ever been able to get things going in the right direction? I am not his disciplinarian and have tried to be a positive example in his life but that is not working. I turn 50 next year and I dread the thought of having to be single again. Even though he is not my kid I feel like I would be abandoning her if I left. But I also am starting to dread what the future holds if I stick in. I treat everyone with respect and being disrespected by a bratty kid is starting to be more than I can bear. I need to make a decision before we move forward and get married. Thank you for allowing me here and to get some things off my chest. I look forward to any input.
His father?
Where is his father in this picture?
Welcome to the site!
Part of being a great partner is ensuring your bio child treats your partner with respect. Affection is not compulsory but respect is. The fact is, she is a rubbish parent in every way and is raising an obnoxious, entitled, rude boy who will have no friends and will be unemployable when he is older - will probably still be living with her in his 40s. Are you prepared for this? Because in this kind of a dynamic, there is zero light at the end of the tunnel for you.
You think she is great as a partner
But for those of us who experienced the same treatment with a partner/spouse encouraging and enabling this behaviour to continue and refusing to address it, trust me, there is nothing great about your partner.
toxic behaviour like this destroys the harmony of your family, relationship and household
i had to tell my husband that since he was incapable of addressing this behaviour and caring about our household environment and that of ou 2 minor kids vs his 19-20 yr old adult, that divorce was the only way forward since my husband couldn't possibly claim to care and love me despite allowing this disrespectful behaviour to continue
my husband didn't allow his adult son to come home for several months and when he did come, hubby picked him up from university and laid down the law. His laziness and disrespect for our home had gotten too much
An amazing partner wouldn't
An amazing partner wouldn't allow her kid to be rude to you. An amazing partner wouldn't tell you to "relax" when you bring up concerns.
I always feel sorry for these young kids whose parents are ruining their lives out of their own selfish needs. This kid will have a very hard time in life, just so your SO doesn't have to feel bad about setting limits.
You can't separate her as a parent from her as a partner, when her kid affects you so much. Imagine how awful he's going to be at 15. Or at 22 when he refuses to work or move out and she still can't say no to him.
If she is an amazing partner,
If she is an amazing partner, she should be able to listen to your concerns and work towards making things better in the home for everyone.
I know, it's tough to have the conversations because it's easy for a bio parent to slip into defense mode and feel attacked (on their child's behalf). But, it doesn't sound like you "hate" her son, but you have some legit concerns about how he is developing. As his bio parent.. SHE should be sharing some of those concerns... because the path he is on is going to be quite difficult for him in the real world.
If he is falling behind socially with his peers.. that's a problem for the child. I might ask her if she wants her child to live a happy and fulfilling life because isolation because he is unable to socialize in acceptable ways is going to be awfully difficult on him...it will limit his potential and options.
Basic respect for others is another big point. No, he doesn't have to have a full on conversation with you. He doesn't need to be forced into that, but returning a greeting? that is non-negotiable. If he doesn't feel like talkiing, he can be taught to politely convey that. Sorry SD.. I'm really not in the mood to talk. is fine.
Reasonable limits on screen time are also important. And.... her reluctance to insist on them because she will have to deal with her child throwing a fit? Isn't that a bit like giving into blackmail? How is that a good life lesson for him to learn.
Self sufficiency is another life skill. He is old enough to get himself a drink or a basic snack. I do believe I may have heard the phrase "what is your leg broken?" haha. Unless he is in bed sick, he should be able to take care of these small basic needs without her doing it for him. The rule still may be he needs to ask before getting something, but she doesn't need to rush to serve a 9 year old.
Learning Patience... self control... are things she needs to teach him. The ability to live with the disappointment of not getting the toy... of having to go to bed on time... of having to wait for his turn.. all things that will make him someone more successful in life.. more like someone wants to be around.
And at 9 he should be getting to the point where he can go to sleep on his own... now she may still want to do a quick night time routine which could involve an end of the day mother son chat.. but she shouldn't have to literally stay till he falls asleep at this point.
All these things are best addressed in a framework of how you want to HELP her son live a better life.. and that you are worried that these things will hold him back.. make him unpopular... make life difficult for him. You want the best for him.. and a happy home for yourself as well.
"what is your leg broken?"
"what is your leg broken?"
LOL - In this house it's "What did your last slave die of?"
If you're looking for action
If you're looking for action items, I would say step one is to make time to have a very serious conversation about these behaviors and how they're affecting you. She might be minimizing his behaviors because parents can be a little bit blind to their kid sometimes. Or she might think that she can get it all under control and it will stop bothering you. And/or she's not aware just how deeply this is affecting you. Or she's a total jerk monster and doesn't care. I think only the last one Hass to be a dealbreaker necessarily, but I think you do need to talk with a lot of kindness and respect and really lay out the effects of this behavior on your comfort and happiness in the relationship, as well as ways it's affecting your mental health if it is. Sometimes when people say on this board this person is a great partner but their kids suck, it's the exact same things that make them a good partner and also makes their kids suck: they're really focused on other peoples needs and trying to make others happy. But being a people pleaser and a people helper are different and working to please a kid is a TERRIBLE idea. Helping a rude kid work in behavior isn't going to make that kid happy in the short term but having better relationships in life sure is better in the long run.
if you lay it all out and she's like "well you just need to deal with it better" or some thing, I hear by vote for leave as fast as you can. If she says she'll try and work on it, great, but look for some thing actionable in that. If dinner times are always disrespectful and awful, ask her to work on that and try and make him say please and thank you and request to be excused from the dinner table and clear his plate. Those kinds of things. If the kids are real stinker, he can't be fixed all at once, but picking something smaller and actionable let's her feel like she can improve it and lets you see that she's putting in the effort to try and make it better. And even if she's trying and you're like "this sucks", You can still go! You aren't obligated to stay just because she's trying. and change is hard and not always a straight upward line, so if she tries to work on it, expect even small things to seem difficult for a while and for it to take a hot minute to see any sort of progress.
The other thing I would say is that living apart is awesome and marriage is overrated. You can be in a really nice fulfilling relationship without being married. Not wanting to live with her son doesn't mean you have to be alone. you can stay with your partner, but really limit your time around her kid for your own sanity. Dating apps are also amazing at finding local singles, and while sometimes it's frustrating to get back out there after building a relationship with someone, I'm sure you could find someone who doesn't have kids or doesn't have bratty kids to share your time with. But you aren't trapped!
Thank you all for the input.
Thank you all for the input. The person above who said I do not hate the kid is right. I don't, but it is getting to the point when I see his newest school picture on the wall I feel instantly annoyed. He has a certain look in his eyes that I can't quite put my finger on. It is hard to watch a young person developing traits that you know are going to cause them to have a harder life. Also the poster above that said the traits that make her a good partner are the same that are hurting the kid. It's true. She is super sweet natured. She really doesn't want to have friction or conflict. She would rather do for him than have the argument. I get it and I really do think it is hard for her to see what she is doing.
So again thank you all for the input. It is time to sit down and talk and hopefully I will be able to make some progress. I really think just making the kid have structure and limits would help. Simple rules of the house. It really wouldn't take to long for him to adjust. It is so different now. When I was a kid there were just things you never did. Talk back to an adult or scream from your room for your mom to get you something were a couple of them. By his age I was waking myself up, getting ready, and walking to school. Then I would come home and do all my chores and homework. Not saying my childhood is a good example, but I feel like we as kids then were so much more self reliant than these kids now. At any rate, glad this forum is here. It helps to read and learn from everyone else.
Try to approach it as you
Try to approach it as you want him to be successful in life and that he is getting old enough to start having some responsibility and learn appropriate behaviors and get the satisfaction from personal accomplishment that will encourage him to grow as a person.
And.. yeah.. we can't go back to 100% how we were raised.. I was out after breakfast and come home when the porch light is on... with no cell phones.. even at a fairly young age. So, I doubt that would be acceptable today.. CPS might get involved.
But, approaching responsibilities as privileges that he gets because he is older.. is good. Like. You know, you are really growing up... I think we can trust you to get your own drinks and snacks now. You don't need to ask us to get those things any more.
Lets show you where the approved snacks and drinks are.. as long as we aren't close to a meal (if those are fairly set times).. feel free to get what you need.