BM requesting advice from dads who may have experienced this
Forums:
Hey dads 
My son is 7 and I know I'm thinking way ahead here, but I am worried about the day that he might choose to live with his dad one day. I'm reading that boys usually choose their fathers... Are there any dads out there with experience either way? Who did your son choose to live with and why? If mom didn't allow it, was it hard to push it through the court system to get your son to live with you? Any info would be great.
I'm generally a proactive person. I always think ahead. I just want to prepare myself for what could possibly happen to me, so I'm not blindsided. He's a sucky dad in my opinion, but I would not be able to prove that in court so in reality, it's pretty much fair game because it's he said she said I think.
It can go either way--and
It can go either way--and most kids will throw out the "Well I'm going to go live with the other parent." card sooner or later to see if it'll work to get what they want.
But honestly, I don't think you will get much sympathy from us regarding whether or not you believe your ex is not a good father, especially if it's just because he has a different style than you, or you think you're the better caretaker, etc. That is unfair and he is your son's other parent. You may have reservations and may turn your nose up at your ex, but if he loves his son and puts in effort, then to deny him of even the chance of living with his son majority time, if that's what your child wants and what he wants, is selfish in my opinion. You've probably had him majority time for his entire life, letting him go so both he and his other parent can know what that's like to be a majority family unit is a good experience, and shows kindness, compassion, and sacrifice as a mother.
As a parent myself, if my husband and I divorced one day, and my child wanted to live with him, as long as it's not in the heat of the moment anger thing that she said, I would allow it (if he wanted to) because I love her and recognize that SHE is a person herself and has the right to choose. To not take that seriously means I believe she is my property, that my desires trump hers. That, I think, is a terrible thing to do and would be ashamed to call myself a mother if I seriously thought that.
If the court named you the
If the court named you the custodial parent then what your son wants regarding who he wants to live with is irrelevant.
My wife was the custodial parent for my SS since his birth. The Sperm Clan would regularly tell SS that if he wanted to come live with them he could. WRONG!!! We told SS that he would never live with his Sperm Clan because the judge had decidided that he should live with his mom. We told SS that his Sperm Clan loves him and that he would visit them but his home would be with his mom.
We showed SS the CO that stipulated that his mom would be the CP and the Sperm Idiot would get visitation.
Never did SS indicate that he wanted to live in Sperm Land. During a few difficult periods with SS it did come up in conversation and even then he said "This is my home. Why would I want to live anywhere else? Besides, they have a hard time feeding me when I am visiting them and if I went there it would just be hard on me and on my younger sister and brothers." (The three younger also out of wedlock spermidiot spawned half sibs by two more baby mamas.
I am not one that believes a child should have the choice of which parent to live with. The parent best capable of raising and supporting the child should be the CP and the less capable parent should have visitaiton and pay CS.
IMHO of course.
I'm surprised at 'Rags'
I'm surprised at 'Rags' statement above as the non-custodial parent is allowed to sue for custody anytime they wish. Yes the court can rule against them but most courts will allow a child to make its wishes known usually around age 14, the beginning of high school.
I'm reminded of the adage:
It takes a mother to raise a boy.
It takes a father to raise a man.
To that end if your boy even hints at wanting to move I'd encourage him or if you can't quite go that far at least make it clear that you'll not stop him from giving it a go. Tell the boy to try it for the summer preceding high school before he makes a permanent decision.
If he decides to stay I would tell him he has one chance at return. I.e. he can go, return once, but if he goes again there is no coming back. You don't want him bouncing back and forth seeking greener pastures so to speak. However this is less likely to happen if you freely let him go as he can't use the threat of moving to coerce you (or Dad) into giving him a freer lifestyle.
My son moved in at 14 and by 16 had gotten so bad at following the rules that when I grounded him he refused to stay in the home. I told him if he left he was to give me the door key and let me know when he wanted to come back for his stuff. He left and lived with a friend for the balance of the school year and went back to Mom. I think he found her less strict then and in any event he stayed until graduation. There was no anger in the parting just a simple statement of what would happen if he left.
OCC, I agree that in many
OCC,
I agree that in many states the kids can make their residential wishes known at ~14. However, very few states allow the child to make the decision for themselves. Some allow the Judge the choice of hearing the childs preferences, or not.
IMHO a child should not be able to choose. That is what parents are for.
Sincerely,
Obviously those are the
Obviously those are the exceptions. I think if the father isn't a psychotic onvict, drug addict, abusive, alcoholic, pedophile then he deserves a chance.
I think although there will be people to teach our kids bad things, sometimes even their own parents, like in your case, we should use it as a teaching experience to let them know it is NOT okay.
Wow I've gotten a lot of
Wow I've gotten a lot of great responses! It's just hard for me to understand how someone who has never taken him to the doctor, never been to a parent conference or done a school project (always expected me to do it), never paid for extra curricular activities, never disciplined, is a bad influence (whenever DS comes home from a long visitation he shares his traits. He has an attitude, and is overall terrible and that is not "becoming a man" like is stated above. That is becoming a coward and a evil person like his dad is). Also he wouldn't know how to handle any of the important stuff. He's a Disney dad, he has no idea what it's like outside of that.
It's also stated above that it takes a father to raise a man. He's with his father every other weekend and Wednesday. That's perfect! And he has his step dad to make him into a man too. I know it's different, but he's been around since age 2 and very much influential.
I know there are lots of good fathers out there, my DH is one of them. But I'm just not comfortable with the thought of him living with him full time. Hopefully he doesn't mind the schedule later on and his dad doesn't try to manipulate him into choosing him later. DS loves me so much but he does love his dad too, I'm hoping he sees his true colors by then.
I guess I have to make good memories over here in addition to my consistent disciplining... Sometimes it gets heated between all of the kids going crazy. The skids get in trouble a lot, maybe I can just back off from discipline them for the sake of that and for my sanity too. I've been saying that for years though. Lol.
If you raise the kid right
If you raise the kid right and he is fairly level headed he will see what is best for him. There is a chance that he may still want to live with his dad, no one can predict that. I would say that any permanent change in custody should be carefully considered by all of you. Your son should spend an extended amount of time with his dad (eg a summer) before a final decision is made and of course his dad will need to agree to it (he may not want the hassle of a teenager full time). If you disagree with your son and his dad's choice, as stated above you can argue your case in court.
My husband decided as a teenager to live with his dad, his brother decided to live with his aunt and uncle. My husband could see that living with his father would be a better influence on him and help him complete high school better than with his mother. I believe his brother had similar reasoning. Their mother was and still is upset by their decisions. But they maintain a good relationship and even had a constructive discussion about his choices the other day apparently.
Kids are often wiser than we give them credit for. Trust in your son and your parenting abilities and you won't have to worry about this situation happening. And if it does perhaps it might not turn out as bad as you predict.
In my experience so far, a
In my experience so far, a teen will live where ever its easier for them to live.......if there is a BM that does everything for them and allows them to do whatever they want to do, then they will stay there......if its the other parent, they will go there instead.....BUT, I also think this depends on the child in question and their upbringing and background.
BM allowed the kids to do whatever, she didnt do anything for them though.....SM (me) did everything for them...BUT me and dad had rules....hence they preferred to live with BM.....BM just didnt want them. BM tried to start rule setting after settling in a sort of normal relationship with someone, but she had allowed the lads to get away with so much fr so long, it caused havoc.....they came to us....and were subject to more rules...so we had havoc too.....now they live with neither BM or us..