You are here

BM sharing adult conversations/sexual abuse knowledge with children

saramichele89's picture

The BM of SD11 and SD8 is at it again. First of all, quick story. She's brought multiple bfs into the girls lives and then got married to a guy with two boys who one of them (9 years old)sexually molested my SD's younger sister (BM's and new husbands 2 year old daughter) and briefly my 8 year old sd last year. Shit went bad with BM and her husband and they got divorced. Well, she called my mother in law and vented that her baby daughter was at a baby sitter and she was changing her daughters diaper and saw blood after wiping 3 times. The boys are NOT allowed to see her daughter when her ex has the baby because of this abuse by court order. Cps is involved and everything. I'm worried that she will tell my SD's the details about this sexual abuse because she has in the past... And they will tell my son. My sd11 came home yesterday giving personal details of a fight between BM and her ex and knows everything that goes on between them. It's always been like this. I'm so sick of BM exposing SD's to adult conversations. She tells them all about DH's fights with her, plays the victim and when he approaches her on any of this she Denys it all saying they are lying. That she never exposes them to anything bad or says anything negative. Then where is this coming from then??? She is so full of shit!
We don't have a court order. We need to get one... He put his foot down today and told her she needs to stop exposing them to all of this toxicity or this will turn into a big problem. But I just don't know what to do! How can a mother not have high standards for what their children hear? I don't get it! She doesn't take responsibility for anything. If she doesn't change, I don't know what to do. I know I'm not happy when the girls are with us. The girls drive me crazy and frankly, I don't like them. But I know her mother Is no good... She even slapped her and called her a psycho bitch once, and told her that she makes everyone's lives hell and told Sd11 to lie about it. BM denied it to her grave, but we pressed it out of sd11 and she cracked saying that her mom really did do it but her mom wanted her to lie bc she was worried we worried we would take her and sd didn't want that bc of one little slip up. We're going to go to court to file a Request For Order, to go week to week rather than 3-2-2 50/50. But we're almost considering taking them because she's a fucking psychopath and she won't even take responsibility for her actions or tell the truth, which is the scariest part in DH's and my eyes. What do you guys think about all of this bullshit? How do we keep this crazy psycho from poisoning their minds further? These kids drive me nuts but I do care about their overall wellbeing.

PolyMom's picture

So, I'm going to give you the advice our lawyer gave to us once upon a time. Get them in therapy. Now. You don't have a shot in hell for custody without an unbiased 3rd party verifying everything you've said. We got that much, and it STILL wasn't enough... but at least, the girls will get some semblance of what is appropriate, and WHO is appropriate in their lives with the guidance of a therapist.

If you need BM's okay with it...here's what worked for us: Explain that due to all they've been exposed to, you think they'll need help adjusting to their lives, 50/50 custody is difficult enough as it is. We then offered 3 different therapists, and asked her to pick one. If she refuses, this IS something you could probably get a court order for. You aren't asking for custody, but just a mental health expert to work with the girls for their mental well-being. I doubt a judge would deny it, given your concerns...especially with the history of CPS being involved with their half-sister. Then see where it goes from there.

Hope this helps.

saramichele89's picture

I just worry that their BM would tell them to lie to the therapist and make sure they don't say anything about abuse or anything bad about BM. She totally would!

PolyMom's picture

That's why you provide the list of therapists to choose from. You can interview them, and make sure they can weed through that BS. Ours certainly did.

saramichele89's picture

Wow, I don't know how you do it. If it were at that point I don't know if I could handle it. I'm already thinking... "What was I thinking? I just got married 5 mos ago, and I don't know if I can handle everything that is coming, what are the benefits?" I feel so bad... I'm not leaving but these thoughts run through my mind. DH and I are starting marriage counseling next week bc were fighting over all of this. Step parents just don't get the support/credit they deserve yet they are expected to do all of the work to make the kids into who they are supposed to be.

I wish I could just stop this bitch from talking to the kids about all of this crap, after all they've been through...

saramichele89's picture

I can identify with you 100% in that reply. Even yesterday when you sorta lost it lol. Me too. Husband thought I was freaking done with this all of this! I guess we just have to take it one day at a time. I'm just so young though... First married at 16, kid at 17, divorced at 19, 4 year relationship with my DH and we just got married 5 mos ago and I'm about to turn 25. Ugh I've got my whole life ahead of me and I'm not really looking forward to it like other 25 year olds. Oy listen to me! Pathetic! What's happened to me.