newlywed, hubby diagnosed with cancer, adult step daughters, please help

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We are newly married (1 1/2 years). My husband has two daughters, almost 21 (special needs daughter), and almost 19.

He has a very strained relationship with the almost 19 year old, that situation has been going on since before we met. He has tried to repair their relationship. He does his best to maintain an amicable relationship with his ex so he can stay in contact with his kids. Especially with the special needs daughter. We have his special needs daughter every other weekend.

His ex is also newly married. Her new husband has been a godsend. She's so much happier which makes her much nicer to my husband! The special needs daughter is happier. Everyone is happier except for the youngest (the almost 19 year old).

She is in a dark place. She's self centered, disappoints and breaks my husbands heart every chance she gets!

My husband and mother in law have done their absolute best to be kind to the ex to make sure his girls are happy.

The ex is narcissistic and manipulative. Her daughter is the same!

My husband has just been diagnosed with cancer. Now the ex is trying to be a part of the family and insert herself right into the middle of this.

I'm doing what I can to be nice to her in support of my husband. I don't have the extra energy it takes to do this. I need to support him right now.

I don't want to deny him a relationship with his kids. I want him to be able to repair the relationship. I don't want his daughter or his ex to continue to manipulate the situation and inject themselves into our lives.

Daughter wouldn't even give him the time of day at her HS graduation!

I don't know what to do. I don't want the negativity in our lives. We HAVE to remain positive in order for him to be able to respond to his treatments.

I don't know what to do!

i am somewhat with you. My

i am somewhat with you. My husband is undergoing radiation for cancer. it is scary.
I have the opposite deal. His ex has not said one word. I know her sons have told her that the man she lived with for 20 years has cancer but not one peep. My ex's brother passed away last week and I made sure my ex knew I was sorry for his loss.

If his ex is trying to be the terrific ex and be soooo helpful,thank her and move on. You cannot control how other people behave but you can control the way you react. Just be gracious. If she tries to take over just tell her you have got this and you will call if you need help.

As for MissTeen, she is at that selfish 'the world revolves around me' stage. it is all about them and what they want.Also by keeping away it sort of makes the cancer diagnosis not real. If she doesn't see him he isn't really sick. It will be her loss in the end. Your DH will find out how shallow she is. Is this such a bad thing? Not really. Your DH will no longer have any expectations of his daughter. She will have to earn his respect back. He will still love her but respect for her will be gone. And this is something only SHE can fix.

I know how hard this is. I am with you.

Sorry you're going through

Sorry you're going through this, too.

How is BM trying to insert

How is BM trying to insert herself? I can't see where she should have any involvement at all. As far as your DH keeping her happy so he can have access to his daughter - I realize she is an adult, but are their formal custody arraignments?

Your husband may have to let the relationships with his daughters take second place to his cancer fight for the time being - especially if he has to go through BM to get to the daughters.

I would suspect that his relationship with BM won't make any difference in his relationship with the 19 year old. She is going to do what she wants no matter what. It may make a difference with the other daughter - but right now he needs to remove all toxicity from his life - and that for sure includes his ex wife.

BM knew about the diagnosis

BM knew about the diagnosis before the rest of the family because we thought it was his gallbladder and we were to have his daughter (our special needs girl) that weekend. So it was relatively necessary for her to know. We broke the news to his daughters with BM present. His sister and family came into town to support us as we told his parents. It's not a good prognosis, cancer has spread to several places.

His sister and family joined us to tell his parents. Afterwards, supposedly the daughter wanted to come over to the grandparents house (I believe just so she could see her grandma in pain). Perfectly fine if daughter wants to come over, we're encouraging the relationship. BM packs up the daughter, the special needs daughter (who was supposed to be at a birthday party that she was so looking forward to), BM's son, my husband's step son (he's now 30), his wife and children, plus her new husband and step son and drove to the next town over to be with us. Unbelievable! She doesn't need to be here.

(Back story.....she showed up on my inlaws front door step with the teenager and her boyfriend (her now husband) on our wedding night. Stayed and visited with my husbands side of the family!)

It's too much. It's overwhelming! MIL saw our distress and knows her son isn't going to win any way this plays out. She said it was just too much and overwhelming right now for everyone to be here.

BM posted on facebook today asking for prayers for her daughters as they have just received heartbreaking news about their father. We live in a small town and everyone knows one another. WE haven't posted our personal business on FB.

I just know she's going to create problems as she has in the past. I want to take her "kindness" as just that. I'm not dumb. I've seen the narcissism and manipulation and i just want my husband to be able to avoid it.

BM knew about the diagnosis

(Back story.....she showed up on my inlaws front door step with the teenager and her boyfriend (her now husband) on our wedding night. Stayed and visited with my husbands side of the family!)

It's too much. It's overwhelming! MIL saw our distress and knows her son isn't going to win any way this plays out. She said it was just too much and overwhelming right now for everyone to be here.

I am sorry you are going

I am sorry you are going through this and that it is made so much harder because you are having to deal with BM. You and MIL will need to handle this in the way that is best for you.

I can't believe that many people would come to see DH because of a cancer diagnosis. That is just weird - and inconsiderate.

One option would be for you to take on the "bad guy" role. You advocate for DH and DH alone. If BM shows up at the door, you tell her thanks for coming but DH is not seeing anyone and close the door in her face. If SD 21 is with her, she is welcome and BM come back in a couple of hours and pick her up. There is no reason for BM to be around DH in person.

When he is in the hospital leave a list of who is allowed to see him. If BM shows up have her removed.

If he has chemo and his white blood cell count goes down he can't be around a lot of people because he can more easily catch something. There is a perfect excuse to keep extra people away.

Thank the BM for her support.

Thank the BM for her support. If and when you do need some space do tell her so.

Oh and when it comes to DHs

Oh and when it comes to DHs relationship with his kids,you can't do much to help. Leave it up to them. As far as the skid is concerned, you will be 'overstepping' and she will act out even more. Step out of it (I know you really just want to help) and she might get better. Stay in the middle and she will most probably get worse.

Either way, it is not your responsibility and neither can you help. She is an adult. Let her take responsibility for her relationship with her father.

thanks for the assistance. i

thanks for the assistance. i don't care what the daughter does, i just don't want her to hurt her dad. i try to just be polite. he's figuring it out for himself. it will be her loss if she doesn't straighten up. i just don't want her bad attitude and toxicity around.
thank you. this is all new for me.

There's a couple ways to look

There's a couple ways to look at this. I get what you are saying that your husband's ex is trying to barge in and take over but what exactly is she really trying to take over? They did have a history so is she coming to his aide and being in a healthy spot now in her life could this be a good thing for everyone? Is she actually meeting with the docs and making regular visits, telling you what he needs? That is going crossing the line and if that is what she is doing I would gently let her know that you appreciate her concerns and you will keep er informed. I would not involve her in doc visits and hat sot of thing. You see the difference?

I think as women we tend to be protectors by nature and we are not always trusting of those who want to be a part. As long as her involvement isn't telling you off and getting in your face I think I would let it be. Try, if you can, to work together. Don't try to stake claims or take possession because this is your husband.....you see what I mean??

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newlywed, hubby diagnosed with cancer, adult step daughters, please help