Unfortunately, I found this site too late and wish I would have tried disengaging. I am involved in a regretful group text then spars of texts with SD Ringleader even though she's not the one that confronted me of how they feel about this holiday.  You see, the year bf my GD was only 2 mos old.  The 13 others had all the attention.  Still, SD Ringleader's #1 I'm sure received all the focus and many, many advantages over SGKs #1-#5 which are from OSS.  I'm positive there was extreme favoritism and is to this day.  Those are her angels, not the first 5.

SD line to me was "we think you have just your kids over on Christmas Eve so that you can give them many gifts and cocktails are flowing".  10 yrs ago my H was informed that this date was my tradition.  My kids don't have a dad, so -0- competition.  His family's side had a tradition the same date at his sister's house.  The first couple of years my H would go then hurry home to our fun time and to what I cooked.  He would see his kids and their cousins and did his part.  He would give them $5 scratchers.  A couple of years into our relationship SD had baby and she didn't like the smoking so made excuses to not go.  A couple years later everyone realized that they were moving on and growing families.  We continued my tradition and added the alternate date to host his family.  Well, be careful what you ask for lady.  I've now established with you that both family's will celebrate all holidays together so that you can see firsthand the equal treatment.  All are invited this year 4:30 dinner Christmas Eve.  I'm off the hook apparantly to plan around multiple other family's plans that came bf ours.  A lot has evolved with marriages, more SFamilies, more GP and more SP.  Let's see who shows up for my chicken dinner (nothing fancy, just hearty so that we can clean up fast and enjoy each other's company).  I feel evil and showing a side that I didn't have but I think learned from them.  I'm being so passive/aggressive.

Ohhhhh, that date doesn't work for 3/4 of the families???  I'm sorry, you are butthurt that I maintained my tradition and incl your father bc he loves us.  Ohhhh, you want us to sit home alone and not invite my family until the weekend after or maybe even the new year!  Let's see if my H thinks this is fair.

Thank you everyone for making me feel sane. 

It sounds like the disengaging works for many.  Believe me, good riddance when it comes to half of the clan of parents. My relationship with the younger sgk is strong and loving. My H would be devastated if I didn't engage with his family. ATM he knows that they are the ones that griped and they are not speaking to me.  We have a lake trip planned that will become complicated if this fight continues. 

This is vicious and he doesn't side with me. Ringleader SD is so full of sh1t. She sd "how would you feel if your D says Mommy why aren't there any pictures of us?" Lie! This SGD is 4. She absolutely has a blast bc i have a ton of Calico Critters etc.  She plays for hours and never wants to leave. Most importantly [a/b the lie], there ARE pics of her family more than the others. SD is using the lil ones to try to get me. 

I feel like saying you are all flat out wrong. They DID get ,=gifts.  My family celebrates Christmas Eve bc YOU have in-laws. There ARE pics on the wall.  We DO more with your side than with mine. We DON'T have bbqs and the other holidays w/o you.  What more do they want???  I don't get how I'm the bad guy here.

I love what you sd ab your not going to run my life.  They are so evil and selfish. How in the world or why in the world would I let them tell me how to treat my GD? I def can fire back.  We are all different!  You have how many sets of GP and SGP. Do you treat them the same? NO.  Unless they stopped doing GP Day at school, not once were we invited. Unless they stopped having Art Class, not once did we receive anything. What it would mean to me to receive a painted pot or an ornament. Further more, the oldest 5 don't come to bbqs and such.  If they don't make the effort, why should I send home $ or gift cards?  What age is good to stop too?  The younger ones do miss out if they don't have as many years of receiving. 

I am soooo frustrated bc what they are putting me through right now does not make sense whatsoever. 

I forgot to mention. My side has an annual lake trip tradition my whole life, 58.  When their dad and I married, we took Ringleaders 2 kids on a new lake trip with different time of the summer and different resort.  Then we took 3 the following year. Fast forward and last year we made the parents come bc truck couldn't tow a boat and seat all. #4 child started noticing and wanted to come too. I invited them to my side's trip, but after a few yrs of not even a response, I quit asking.  I introduced this to them.  They never did anything like it before. Why are you so bent out of shape that I am supposedly not treating everyone equally.  Everything they are upset about is just not true. Again, I don't get it.  Maybe being inconsiderate and ungrateful!

Thank you for the mature and positive advice. 

Really kind of both.  My kids are >14 yrs younger than his.  My SKs have a mom and SD.  My kids were in Jr high and HS when DH moved in.  My son considers him Dad. My daughters love him too. All along SD always said "ah, her family".  My SSs didn't really care about what we were up to.  We lived ab 50 mins apart, so naturally we didn't just stop in. We took my kids on vacations but his side didn't have enough $ as adults and were busy with babies. They had their time when they were young teens. Totally different types of family.  We'd go to college football games and other fun HS and college events. Yes, it sounds like he only engaged with us but we never missed a birth, any showers, parties, or any invites on their side.  The animosity of those years seemed to be under wrap.  This scrutiny and judgement is due to my GD being over 1 yr old at Christmas time having a real blast and them claiming that they didn't receive as much as her. They are assuming bc they weren't even there and I don't post on social media. My DH saw tons of gift exchanges but he forgot that hardly any were from us.  This was siblings and aunts and uncles. 

What upsets me is that these claims of unfairness aren't even true. There's an annual trip on both sides. There was Christmas at our house for both sides. My DH does think it's unfair, but are we supposed to not accept all the things that my now grown kids do for us while they appreciate us.  And yes, he'll act differently in front of my SD always having her back and not mine. She intimidates him and puts all this in his head.

Oh no, he's mid 60s and his SD still expects us to $ pick up every dinner and host parties such as poker games at our home whenever she suggests.  Her mom is older and there's comparison going on.