Oh, merry f*ing Christmas!  That sounds like the longest 4 days ever!  Could you pass on going to SD and spend it w your family?  Could you do a fly by and spend 1 day at SD's and then jet away somewhere else?  4 days...way too long!

I don’t see anything all that rude here.  It’s a little odd if she has pictures of both her parents together all over her walls, especially since she’s married with a kid, but I’m going to assume that’s not the case just that all her pictures of her dad are with her mom...

Why can’t she call her mother in your home?  She is doing it discreetly which, to me, gives her an A plus.  

I also can’t see caring if I’m in the picture or not, I’d rather not be if it was sent to BM.

All in all, I think she’s dancing around her mom’s feelings and trying not to be rude which is a tough spot for her, I’m sure.

And this is just me, I’m not a very jealous person, and if DH did stuff to make me feel jealous of BM, that would likely be the end of our marriage. 

Personally, I wouldn't go to anyone's house where I felt so uncomfortable, but that's me, I'm over 60 now and not going to be made to feel like that any more, no matter who they are.   I'd just stay home. 

Well, I think there are two things happening here. One is that you had unrealistic expectations of how it would go as a stepmother.  I don't think it's reasonable to expect that she will see you as a third parent, or have your picture on the wall or anything like that - the fact that she's nice to you and includes you in her life really should be good enough. You are "Dad's wife", not her stepmother.

On the other hand, she sounds very enmeshed with BM and trying hard to make BM "not feel left out", which is weird and unhealthy, but really has nothing to do with YOU.  I'm going to guess that BM feels some type of way about DH remarrying and this SD is trying to be loyal to her in a way that also doesn't cut you out, which is admirable (the not cutting you out part).  She could be one of these nasty adult SDs who just refuse to acknowledge the new spouse at all out of loyalty to her mother.

So I'd stop taking her behavior about BM personally and recognize that it really has nothing to do with you, and this SD is trying at least to include you in her life.  If this isn't a frequent occurrence (spending 4 days at her house), I'd just endure and tamper down my own expectations.

I'd plant myself right in the middle of the videographers face (hoping that it's livestreamed!) and say hello to BM. Show off my new christmas jammies.

But that's me.

You seem... uncomfortable with all this. It sounds like SD is enmeshed with BM, but it also sounds like she's attempting to be discreet.

I like some of the suggestions above, especially the one about getting out of the house. I'm assuming that you are driving rather than flying there, and that you will have your car with you. Go finish some xmas shopping, sit in a starbucks with a book.... just get out of the house for a bit. It's thankfully just 4 days, not 14.

You might also talk to DH about starting a new tradition for just the two of you... like right after visiting SD, you two head off some where for NYE.

How about instead of 4 days with your H's daughter you spend 2 or 3 of that time with your own family? Is that a possibility?

Why do folks who are past the raising or helping to raise little children..use the word 'disengage'?  How about controlling your own life, who you see, who you dont, WHO you spend special holidays with and who you dont.

If you dont want to go, dont. I would suggest to Send pretty wrapped packages with dh OR mail them in advance. If that is too much...order from Amazon, They will mail your gift in a very pretty mesh bag with enclosed note for 5bucks extra.

OP what do YOU think the right thing to do is?

My SD was also an adult when DH and I married. Sometimes she refers to me as her Dad's wife, and sometimes as her stepmom. Either is ok with me.

When we visit them, we stay in a hotel, and we're usually there for 4-5 days. I have other family in the area, so always spend time with them, and DH gets time with her without me there. Sometimes I bring work with me. Sometimes I take a day to myself to explore on my own. When I do spend time with SD and family, I am friendly and engage in conversation and whatever activity is going on. Heck, I even enjoy her kids (she actually parents them).

This combination of time spent with DH and SD and then time spent on my own works fine for all of us. Highly recommended.

Uh I dont know any adults who have family pictures from growing up all over so I find that odd. I can see wedding pictures or something with all of the family but even that I dont have hanging up - I have the ones of DH and I displayed. I also find it odd that she decides to facetime BM when she has guests over - cant it wait? 

That being said, shes an adult and shes out of the house so it doesnt have to affect you much if you dont want it to. My moms longtime BF shows up occasionally here and there for family things with my moms kids and is cordial to all of us kids (ages 24 to 30) but theres no expectations on either side. That to me is the perfect arrangement with adult skids and what I plan on doing when SD is older.

OP, reading between the lines it seems that you are also enduring "slights" and plenty of secretive behaviors.  Some may see your SD's habit of calling her father while he is at work no big deal, but I can see it for the exclusionary tactic that it is.   After all, if SD wasn't trying to exclude you then why not call her father in the evenings, or during the weekends?  I am assuming you don't automatically try to be included in her calls, sitting next to your Dh listening in.  I'm sure you'd go about your business in your home.   So why can't she call daddy at home instead of his place of business?  

Obviously, she doesn't want YOU to be anywhere around when she has her daddy's ear.  Likewise, making it a point to go "in private" and call her mother EVERY night while she is in YOUR home also smacks of passive aggressive exclusion IMO.   Why can't she wait to call BM?  SD seems to think it's OK to insert BM into your home environment (albeit "discretely") but she sure makes it clear she doesn't want you included in her life at all.  

To add a cherry to the top of this ice cold treatment, you have your DH gaslighting you by saying it's not true that SD throws slights your way and it's probably in your imagination because his dear daughter would NEVER be rude.  Yeah, right.   

Your predictions about the upcoming Christmas plans are probably spot on.  I can only assume that BM will be actively included (by video or in person) in all 4 days of activities.   Why in the world would your DH even want to endure that?!  Let alone you!

If your DH insists that you go on this charade, then insist on staying in a hotel.  But that's only if you don't have anything else you'd rather do for the holiday.  If you have your own family/friends that you'd rather spend that time with, then do it.   One of the biggest regrets I have from steplife is always putting my own family on the backburner EVERY. SINGLE. CHRISTMAS. for almost 15 years while waiting for my SO's skids to decide what they wanted to do - after pleasing BM first, of course.

None of us are getting any younger, your own family members are getting older and I urge caution in neglecting your loved ones to placate this ADULT woman who wants nothing to do with you.  Tell DH he is free to go, but you will either stay in the hotel or go somewhere else on your own.  

SD is slighting you, and your DH is gaslighting you as well as being an idiot. I would be upset about the office phone calls, face time, etc. too. This is as you say passive aggressive behavior and your DH is being an oblivious doof. Apologies to the sensitive males out there, but the truth is that most men really do not see these microaggressions for what they are. If you're not sprawled on the ground with your throat torn open and your guts spilling out, it doesn't count. You are definitely oversensitive and paranoid if not downright crazy. And when you point out that it's still aggression they are shocked! Shocked, I tell you! Piled on that--let's call it what it is, abuse--these visits, albeit short and few, are undoubtedly painful for you to endure. People are being sly with their crappiness and because they are not behaving outrageously you are going to have to put up with a certain amount of discomfort as the result of having married into this low-volume clusterf**k.

Ordinarily I would say that it's crucial for spouses to agree on how time, money, and precious vacations will be spent and you should work on this in the coming months and years. For now, though, in all likelihood the best you can do now is compromise. In your place I would definitely make this a couples' trip--go with him--but plan to spend most of the 4 days crocheting, reading, and exploring the local sights. From your base in a local hotel, of course. Smile a lot, wanly. Silently communicate your long suffering. And if he complains? Why, I never! You can be passive aggressive and gaslight too, you know. Make sure you're there for any large scale events (holiday dinners etc.) but make yourself scarce most of the time. Maybe you can bookend the unpleasant parts with something you actually want to do, places nearby that you would like to visit? If they're in the middle of Nebraska you could always go cow-tipping.

And when it's over, be sure to present your DH with some kind of invoice. You'll be able to pinpoint  precisely what terms to exact for having put up with this.