I thought this article would help a lot of stepparents. I never could understand why my stepson was acting the way he was. There were times when he would just be completely defiant, wouldn’t do anything anyone said and trying to punish him wouldn’t work. You’d tell him ‘if you don’t clean up your room, you can’t go to X or you can’t play video games until you do Y, and he would through a temper tantrum or hide in his room.

We finally found a therapist who really helped him (beyond just putting him on medication), and she really helped us learn how to deal with him. This article touches on a lot of the points my stepson’s therapist told us. I always thought depression was just acting sad and moppy, but with kids (especially boys), the symptoms tend to be acting out.

http://www.empoweringparents.com/When-Your-Childs-World-Collapses-Kids-a...

Here are some excerpts:

Know that when your child is depressed, their coping skills have collapsed. And I want you to think of collapsing in terms of the speed at which they lose their coping skills—think of a building collapsing. And so it might look like this: one day your child is coping with things okay, and the next day, they can’t seem to solve the same functional or social problem. For some reason they can’t get along well with authority and they have a hard time meeting their responsibilities. These are sometimes the symptoms of episodic depression. So if there’s a chance your kid is going through episodic depression, the most important thing is that you help them maintain their coping skills until the underlying issue is resolved.

Misbehavior and acting out are two of the symptoms of depression that you’ll see in a child, and sometimes, two of the primary symptoms. In fact, a lot of the kids that I’ve seen diagnosed with depression had a very intense acting-out component to their behavior. Why? Because they could not access their problem-solving skills. When people can’t solve their problems, they act out in one way or another, and when children can’t solve a problem, they tend to act out their feelings. The most important thing parents can do is help their kids access their problem-solving and coping skills, whether they’re medicated or not, and give them the support they need to develop them. If you’re a depressed kid with no coping skills and you go on medication, then you’re a medicated kid with no coping skills.

It’s just that simple: children need added direction, structure and support when depressed. One of the most important things parents need to know is that during those periods of sadness, your child still needs to take responsibility for solving problems; that does not stop.

http://www.empoweringparents.com/When-Your-Childs-World-Collapses-Kids-a...

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This type of information from my stepson’s therapist helped me understand why my stepson was acting the way he was. I think boys more than girls react more physically when depressed and act out, and it also helps to understand the issues related to problem solving skills.

Knowing this helped me cope with his behavior, especially understanding his behavior wasn’t because he was being a brat or that he hated me, but because he needed help and support. That directly impacted the way that I dealt with him. I didn’t lose my cool as much and was able to be far more patient and understanding with him and give him the sort of guidance he needed. That didn’t mean I put up with him doing his antics (slamming doors was favorite), but we were able to help him develop the coping skills when he didn’t know how to express how he was feeling or deal with something.