15yr old home alone...

Forums:

I would like to ask advice on a scenario myself and my partner are in; I'll give the background first and question is at the end.

I am living with my partner who has full time care of his son. My SS is 15. The bio mum went on holiday to Finland and never came back, over the last 2 years she's only had him 2 weeks and that was after we suggested and pushed for it. So we never get a break. He doesn't have any family nearby, she doesn't, and neither do I (all from different countries/areas before settling where we are). Sadly we don't have any friends in this area either.

My partner and I have decided to take a short break to a neighbouring country (we are in England and we are going to Scotland, so still UK). Firstly, not sure if you can leave a 15yr old. We think so, but it's really difficult to specifically get an answer on this from Google searches. Secondly, we would worry regardless in case something happens so it isn't worry free (burglary, accident, problem with house etc.). Thirdly, last night we spoke to him about it and he asked to have "people" over. That's a bit worrying as it begets questions like who and how many. The more people, the more risk, the more it gets out of hand. His Dad reminded him there is a camera on the front door, to which he responded, "I will just sneak them in the back door". I felt really uncomfortable about this and have called him sneaky. Which caused an argument between me and my partner as he won't have him called sneaky and is saying if his son was sneaky he wouldn't have said that part but would have just done it. I think it's insightful into his line of thinking and he will find another loophole, like a window.
It caused me anxiety, I am quite ill at the moment from not having had time off in 6 months. In fact the last break I had was a week off from burn out, beginning of December 2022. I wasn't getting any down time because his son shouts on computer games almost every night of the week. I think getting anxiety about a long anticipated break not going smoothly is reasonable, but my partner is telling me that when I've calmed down I should question whether it is.

On one hand, it would be reassuring if he had a friend over, however I am not sure if we can. If something happens to the other kid then could the other parents press charges for our absence?
The other part is that I am uncomfortable with my stuff being here (I have 2 expensive musical instruments as well as my work laptop).
I used to go to friends houses, and I know what they get up to. Jewellery and clothes can get stolen if it's girls. I've seen it first hand.
It's not an insult to his son personally, I just don't want the risk of someone he might not know as well as he thinks coming over and turning out like that.
If anyone has an older mate, they could get alcohol.
As well as just wanting to come back from the only break I can take to a clean home that no one has been rifling through.
Once he is 16 I think he could have a friend/girlfriend over when we aren't here to supervise. Still there's a worry with alcohol and breakages etc. But I'm too worried right now.

Questions:
Is it unreasonable of me to request a camera on the back door? For this reason alone?
Is it also not normal to have anxiety about going away while his son is home alone and he is asking to have people over?

Thank you to anyone who can manage to read all of this and respond ❤️

There are no laws in GB

There are no laws in GB concerning age but ... there have been cases where 15 yos were left alone and the parents were charged with neglect.

Personally, I would not do it. 15 yo boys seldom have the maturity to be left alone and the chances of having your home destroyed because he decided to have "people" over and those "people" put the word out that there was a party (even if none was planned) are way to high to risk it. Don't do it.

What's a camera on the back door going to do it there's a dozen people arriving at the same time and they are people you don't even know? How about asking your insurance what would happen if ...

If yoiu can't leave him with a friend or relative, don't leave him alone. It's a recipe for disaster.

One of my daughters was very mature at 15 and I still wouldn't have left her alone while I went on holiday. Boys typically mature later.

Thank you

I am worried. It's my partner that says he isn't. He believes his son was making an off hand comment which was a joke and I have no right to ask for a camera or be worried. He believes his son is mature and respectful enough.

I believe as with all teenagers it's only a matter of time. If it isn't this trip, it will be the next.

I'm really fed up of the whole situation, my partner has made no effort to request from family members across the channel to mind him in a half term or a summer holiday for us to have a break. So part of me wants to let it happen so my partner can learn his son isn't so angelic and then might listen to my fears once in a while without jumping to his defence.

Obviously I care about any harm coming to anyone, but I can't keep sacrificing my life and my freedom for this ignorant partner.

I am considering ending the relationship very soon anyway. As I'm sure that will be the advice from someone very soon given how I've described my feelings towards my partner's naivety and refusal to respect my concerns in instances he doesn't just happen to share them.

No way.

Sounds like you should take a short trip on your own if you need a break.

The only other option is to ask one of your SS's friend's parents to keep him while you and DH are away.

I suggested that. I have to

I suggested that. I have to suggest everything Or no one else gives it a second thought

The reality is that you know

The reality is that you know the answer to your questions. But, you also want that break and to take the trip.

No, you cannot leave his 15 yo son at home unattended.

You know if you leave him he will have a party.. and the consequences could be bad.. if someone were hurt or killed at your home in your absence.. if things are destroyed in your absence.. it is not a risk you can or should be taking.. and you would probably both be held liable for any fall out.

So.. you cannot leave his son alone.

Your options are to go by yourself to get the break. sorry but his son is his problem.. he can stay home.

You could find someone to stay with your son (an adult).. any relatives that could travel to your area to stay there?

You could find somewhere for your SS to be.. does he have friends? would one of their family's be willing to have him (with you paying them for it).. to keep him with them for your trip?

It's tough that you don't have any friends that could help.. or family..

But.. as much as you want a break.. you can't leave a kid like that alone.

My partner hasn't made any

My partner hasn't made any enquiries as to arranging for him to stay with a friend etc or a relative to travel here sometimes during half terms or holidays.

He is also saying I should add that he had a word with his son not to have any parties and his son agreed.

Does that mean anything for you?

I won't say what I think so I'm not accused of cloudong your judgement.

I'm 40 years older than your

I'm 40 years older than your SS and can well remember having parties and my brother had parties when my parents were out of town when we were in our late teens. We weren't horrible kids.. but the minute his friends figure out he is home alone?

It might just start with one or two guys staying over.. it will get out of their control.. don't ask me how I know these things.. lol.

Now.. the fact is that your SO is a full time parent and he does not have the other parent involved.. so he doesn't get breaks really..

But.. doesn't he think it would be enriching his son's life to get to know his parents? to see other relatives? Maybe not his whole summer break.. but he couldn't go visit the grandparents for a week?

For this situation.. you know he can't leave the boy there alone.. maybe you should suggest that he take his son on his trip and leave you at home alone.. haha? (also an option!)

I would tell your BF.. you are not comfortable with his son there alone.. that he needs to find someone who will care for him.. have him in their home.. or be willing to stay in your home to make sure nothing goes wrong.

the risk is too great.. and you have not a lot of experience that he would do well in this situation.

I was the same. As soon as

I was the same. As soon as someone's parents were away, we all piled round there with drinks.

I even had an older friend with an older brother and would go round there to smoke.

My SO on the other hand, was badly bullied all throughout school and had no friends. It's like he wants his son to have a life and get up to things. At the same time he has lived a sheltered life and doesn't know the consequences. One of my friends got so drunk she lost her virginity at one of these parties at 14yrs old. She's going to regret that for the rest of her life. I don't want him bringing insecure girls round who are going to make poor life choices.

I've also been in houses where it was intended to be an innocent sleepover and then people turn up with drinks. Someone's boyfriend just "pops round" with his mates. This is how it all happens.

I've even helped a friend break into her own home so we could drink alcohol instead of being at college. I wasn't even a bad kid. I went on to uni and got good grades throughout! But teenagers will be teenagers.

I suggested months ago he could send his son to Belgium to stay with his granddad for 1-2 weeks. We could visit at the end to pick him up.

I suggest everything and that is also a sore point. I'm carrying the mental load of the house and even childcare now. Also a lot of my suggestions are shot down as being insulting to his son. Even if I am openly saying I need a break and he has been very insolent and lazy and hard work lately. The focus is on my delivery and not the substance.

I am plummeting into the depths of despair and neither of them seem to care. The only 2 days I had off work this year were for taking sleeping pills and considering suicide.

I don't think full time step parenting is for me, especially not when my partner is a hopelessly blindly bias father and won't have a bad word spoken about his son. Who is in a lot of ways a good teenager and in some ways bad and it's hard on me. And I'm not even the f***ing mother.

I give up. If I'm not appreciated or listened to then they can't expect me to stick around to play housewife and mummy.

I'm out.

And.. it's not just whether

And.. it's not just whether HE is going to be responsible.. a kid who is not high on the pecking order in school is potentially more susceptible to people taking advantage.. kids who are not his friends could press the point to let them come over and trash your house.

I think this would be a hill to die on.

Telling him that leaving a 15 yo home alone while you are out of the country is not an option and is a reasonable and mature decision as an adult. You deserve to feel your home is secure while you are out of town.

I was the same. As soon as

I was the same. As soon as someone's parents were away, we all piled round there with drinks.

I even had an older friend with an older brother and would go round there to smoke.

I've also been in houses where it was intended to be an innocent sleepover and then people turn up with drinks. Someone's boyfriend just "pops round" with his mates. This is how it all happens.

I suggested months ago he could send his son to Belgium to stay with his granddad for 1-2 weeks. We could visit at the end to pick him up.

I am plummeting into the depths of despair and neither of them seem to care. The only 2 days I had off work this year were for taking sleeping pills and considering suicide.

I give up. If I'm not appreciated or listened to then they can't expect me to stick around to play housewife and mummy.

I'm out.

Ask yourself this question

Ask yourself this question “Would SS15 be capable of handling any number of scenarios that could be potentially harmful to him and others and know what is the proper procedure to keep himself and other’s safe.” If the answer to that is no, then you should not be leaving him alone. Could he go and stay at a friend’s house while you are gone?

the boy is already stating he

the boy is already stating he will have people over and more than they allow.. he is telling them clearly he won't follow their directions.. the answer here is no..

It would be one thing if they were close enough to get back quickly in an emergency.. but the aren't

He initially did make those

He initially did make those comments yes. I found them unsettling and asked for a camera to be installed. I am also questioning if we should still go.

I have been accused of insulting his son.

The Dad advised he had a word and the son agreed not to have any parties, and that we should trust him because he feels he is mature. He is mature in some ways. He is a police cadet. To be honest he doesn't have a lot of friends at all.

Mature or not

How can you control what goes on ? Especially when you are SO far away? If you really need a break can you pop to the nearest spa Hotel down the road and be close enough in a taxi to get back? Have a neighbour check in and maintain contact ? That's the best I've got.

I'm sure everyone on here will have a story from their youth but here's two that come to mind...

When I was 16 my 18 Yr old friend had a house party... the whole district of scumbags heard and entered without asking. She had an epileptic fit from the stress and while we were at hospital her house was robbed and trashed.

When we were 17, our a level leavers do. We all walked from the boat club it was held at to a mates house. One lad went missing, he'd fell into the river Severn and drowned.

Think of all the scenarios and treble them

Whilst there aren't laws

Social services and police take a dim view if anything happens. I say this from my brothers very recent woes with his ex wife.

She was leaving my niece 15 alone in England and travelling to Wales to stay with her bf. Regularly.

My brother intercepted texts that dd had 3 friends staying also whos parents were none the wiser that no adults were present.

The police showed up and escorted the girls home as 'missing persons' ex sister in law then got a visit from social services and a big slap on the wrist.

I will add that nobody knows how far it was going because niece went into her fathers full time care from that point onwards. No idea where ss would have taken it otherwise

So, you need to be careful and be sure where you stand

I wouldn't leave even a

I wouldn't leave even a responsible 15 yo whom I trusted implicitly alone for a week while I went on vacation out of the country. An overnight - probably - but definitely not a week.

Does his son have friends with whom he could stay? Does your partner have relatives he could fly in to watch his son, or relatives his son could go stay with, while you're gone? My parents didn't have family around and that's what they did in a pinch.

The only way you're going to get time away from this kid is if your partner makes arrangements for him, and it doesn't sound like that's going to happen.

I would feel free to install more cameras without your partner's permission, but a camera at best only captures what happens - it doesn't prevent something from happening and teens have disabled cameras. I would also install a keyed lock on my bedroom door and put all of my musical instruments and other valuables in there so that neither the 15 year old nor his friends would have access to your room or your possessions while you're gone. If your partner has a problem with that, perhaps he should cease to be your partner sooner rather than later.

I am 6yrs the elder.

When I was 21 our parents were out of town for 2mos for corporate training. My brother went nuts on the parties.

I had to move quick to keep him and his friennds out of trouble. Fortunately there were no serious issues. I would come home from my own social life and my radar detector in my car would start blipping then get faster and faster the closer to our house I got. Invariably there were dozens of cars parted around the house and a ring of police cars were half a block from the house on any approach road.

I collected keys, had them call parents, and ended up baby sitting drunk sexually amped up teens all night far more times than I would have liked. I bought the beer for my brother and a "few friends" the first time. Never again. The amount of alcohol that was in the house during those bashes was epic.

My own empty house parties were not at my family home when I was a teen. I would house sit for vacationing neighbors. The parties I hosted were at customer's homes. Not one problem was had. I always made sure I had a hairy eyeball on anyone present and made sure to return to house to pre party condition after the party. My secret was polaroid pics. As soon as the family would leave for vacation, I would take a ton of pics to make sure I knew where to return everything to. If beds were not made, I left them unmade, if they were made, I made them. If I was not sure what partiers had done in those beds, I washed the bedding and put it back on the beds.

At another party at a home I was not responsible for there were some problems. My customer called me about that party. He asked about his house, told him it was fine and had had some friends over for a swim and video watching as he had suggested I do.

I always got great feedback from my house sitting duties.

Omg Rags! I made a master

Omg Rags! I made a master list of where I hid things when I had my party. LOL. The only thing I couldn't take care of was the random hotdog on the roof. My parents were never the wiser. They did marvel at how the clean the house was. Why teens think we don't know things. SMH....

I am 6yrs the elder.

When I was 21 our parents were out of town for 2mos for corporate training. My brother went nuts on the parties.

I always got great feedback from my house sitting duties.

I would move my valuables to

I would move my valuables to my office or a friends house, or even pay a music store to store them fo you and bring laptop to work!!

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