Visitation
I just moved in with my bf 2 months ago and he has a son age 8. My bf is a GREAT father in every sense including financially. The bm takes adavantage of the love he has for his son and he allows it. They have joint parenting and share the son 50/50. There are several issues that I am facing:
1. My bf allows his son to sleep in our bed and I believe he needs to sleep in his own bed because he is too old to sleep in the bed with us, he is not my biological child and if the boy repeats it to anyone it might be taken out of context. However, the father has yet to get control if it.
2. The bm doesn't allow the father to see the boy on his unscheduled days which has postponed many of our planned vacations and delayed our plans. However, my bf is allowed to see his son on unscheduled days if she has a hair appointment, nail appointment, date, work late etc. etc.
3. The son is very rude and disrespectful towards his father. He tells him to shut up, talks back and doesn't listen to what he says. Let me also remind you that his father is a elementary school principal. I find it unbelievable that a man in that role cant control his own kid and own family situation but is responsbile for hundreds of other kids.
I love my bf son, however it takes so much of my energy after a long and stressful day of work to deal with a kid who is rude and doesn't listen. I am prepared to deal with him on our visitation days, but I get upset when he is at our home on unscheduled days.What makes me more upset is when my bf forgets any plans we might have had or could have made or spent a lone in order to accomodate the mother. I asked him why he does it and he said because at the end of the day its about his son. Am I wrong to look forward to the days we have off from th son? Am I wrong to expect for him to consult me before he agrees to take his son that unscheduled day? Am I wrong for expecting him to have his son sleep in his own bed? I am starting to feel hopeless in this situation and depressed.
Welcome to the world of
Welcome to the world of step-parenting. Now RUN.
It will not get better - in fact it will get worse as the child grows and becomes more spoiled and unmanageable. As a step-parent you'll be powerless and obviously left in the dark about plans and such.
With millions of childless guys out there why settle for one who has already demonstrated he can't keep a marriage together and bring along baggage? Kids don't go away and this one will be a part of your life to some degree forever.
Is this what you envisioned your life to be? I hope not.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^ AMEN!
Wow, you BF should have
Wow, you BF should have straightened things out BEFORE you came on board. He did you all a huge disservice.
You have the right to sleep in private with your mate.
You have the right to a predictable and consistent schedule with children (oh, and so do the children)
You have the right to be a respected member of the household (and if he's only that way with his dad now, you are next, so be wary)
It is your BFs RESPONSIBILITY to provide these things for you, and he needs to step up or SS will be continue to be running the unit instead of DH. Well, he already is - but it needs to stop. He is probably like a lot of dads in his situation and has guilt and sympathy preventing him from properly guiding his son through discipline, consistency, etc.
BUT he clearly is selfish enough - to bring you into this mess.
So, now, if dad can get his act together and start making some changes in their lives, SS will blame YOU. It's your fault that dad is changing even more things in his life and he will resent both of you for it, mostly YOU. I would have a heart to heart chat with DH on these things. These are HUGE issues. Actually - I would move back out until you start to see some positive improvements in rights 1, 2, and 3 before moving back in. being around while this is being fixed is, I think, a really poor idea for your long-term future.
I had these conversations
I had these conversations with the dad prior to moving in and we made agreements which he has yet to follow. He keeps speaking of progress being made but it's not very significant and besides there are other issues yet to be addressed like his sons behavior. In addition to the lack of respect he talks back to him and me all the time and on occasions has told you him to shut up. He says hurtful and mean things to him when he doesn’t get his way, throws things at people i.e. bricks and chairs, bottles etc. As a result of the lack of discipline at home, he speaks to other people in the same way and he doesn’t listen to adults. He lacks guidance and discipline. These are all characteristics that every parent who has a child in his school trusts that every child in his school is going to receive and he can’t even instill it in his own kid.
Dad gets pleasure into listening to his son call him and complain that he has to stay at his mom's house on her designated days. When his son has to stay with her during her half of the time he calls every hour of the day and begs to come over and the father continues to answer the phone and have conversations about it. This happens every day he is gone to his moms house. It's driving me crazy. I just moved in with my 16 year old daughter a couple of months ago and I don't want to keep changing her lifestyle and environment by moving out, but I don't know what else to do. Not to mention the ex wife told me I am living her life in her house with her son. I feel like I am living in a soap opera, and not to mention these are all educated people involved.I don't blame the kid at all, because he is a fun kid to be around when he is behaving it's just during those other times I am so exhausted dealing with him and its depressing to be around it. I also don't like my bf being treated that way by his son, ex wife or anyone else for that matter. Yet, it doesn't seem like it bothers him for me to be treated with the same level of disrespect or worse.
MsKaye, I'm sorry, but I
MsKaye, I'm sorry, but I can't keep from asking "what did you expect?" You moved into a chaotic situation, and now you are complaining about a chaotic situation. One that you feel you are powerless to change. And you don't know what else to do.
The ONLY thing you can do, is have control over yourself. You truly are powerless to do anything about the kiddo - your BF has the power. So, that leaves you with the things only you can change. What are those things? Here's a couple I can think of......
1. Silently slip off to sleep on the couch when your SS comes in your bed (which might have a desired subsequent effect of BF finally making a change in that department)
2. Physically, silently, remove yourself and your daughter from the home anytime you are SSs target or things escalate and get uncomfortable in your home. Have some plans in place when things escalate, go get some icecream, to the park, shopping, whatever. Just get out. If you are out more than you are in, it might force BFs hand to handle things quicker. You do not have to be subject to SSs abuse. You don't.
Mac Those are both great
Mac
Those are both great advice. I did the first one before and although he was aware, it made the step son more eager to come in the bed knowing that I would leave. The dad tries to avoid the situation by falling asleep on the floor with the son hoping he would be asleep and take him to his bed. When I asked the dad about it he said that he doesn't like having to disclipline his son and agreed that sometimes he avoids it or puts it off. He said that having me help in the situation would only cause resentment from his son and cause his son to complain to the mother and he doesn't want that to fall on me.
I just want to know how other couples survive under such stressful conditions while maintaining a healthy and loving relationship.
I completely understand the
I completely understand the bedtime issues because I went through it with my SD. When we all first moved in together, she was used to sleeping in bed with daddy (and with BM at her house), and all of a sudden she was expected to not only sleep in a bed by herself, but sleep in a room by herself. I flat out refused to sleep with a kid. The couple’s bed is a place for 2 people & a kid is not one of them. It was hard for both DH and SD at first because neither one of them were used to the new arrangement, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Now, we have been living together for 2 years and she loves her own room (it only took about a week to get her used to the new sleeping arrangements). If I were you, I would stand your ground and flat out refuse to have a child in your bed. And you are right, he is too old anyway, even if you were ok with it, it’s not right for an 8 year old boy to be sleeping with a woman he is not blood related to (no fault of your own- just saying).
Ktq unfortunately I am going
Ktq unfortunately I am going to have to agree with you. I am currently battling many different things right now such as how when the SS is at his mom house he calls his dad 20 times in 3 hours and when I asked the dad about it he says he isn't doing anything wrong. However, when he is with us he doesn't call his mom once. I am starting to feel like I am coming in between what they have and maybe I shouldn't say anything unless I am ready to leave. My bf said he doesn't feel like I am coming between them and he thinks it's constructive criticism but things change temporarily and then back to the same old same. My bf is 50 and I am 35, I feel like role reversal where my daughter doesn't have these issues and is very respectful she is also going to college next year. I didn't want to give the BM the satisfaction of running me away or the SS but I don't know...
"I just want to know how
"I just want to know how other couples survive under such stressful conditions while maintaining a healthy and loving relationship." Mskaye.......i think maybe that's what i really want to know. I've figured out how to avoid my bf's daughter and make the best out of "most" situations, def not all, but the main thing I want to know is if couples really survive this crap. The always being put last, the crazy ex being put first because they use the kids as pawns to get their way and take advantage of people who care about their children, the daughter telling you to move out of her daddy's house or slapping you .....i keep seeing that people say it doesn't get any better and that we should all run.....but if we don't run can couples make it?
I am not so sure people can
I am not so sure people can survive this and having to avoid another being in your home is downright depressing. I mean the ex wife thinks the child support payments are for her. It's just really sad, because we get along so much better when the kid is not around. However, I can tell the father is torn because he enjoys having him there as much as possible. He is just intolerable at times. The other night he went to bed crying because he said other kids thinks he is annoying and they don't want to play with him and then asked the dad not to tell me. I mean are kids suppose to keep secrets with the dad at 8? I thought the parents are suppose to work together for the kids (sigh)...The only reason I stay now is to make a statement to the ex that she is not running me anywhere.
What is it with the BM's that
What is it with the BM's that think it's all about them? I'm pretty certain that if they would put their children first and not use them the children wouldn't be so awful sometimes. I'm pretty confident that if SD mom just half way tried to parent some of our issues wouldn't exist, of course there would still be problems but not near as many. Either way you are right its intolerable sometimes......I had a decent day with just me and SD on Saturday, no bf or anything and she did okay......but now that i know i'm going home to her and her dad and she is going to begin the jealous rage....i'm not excited and tonight is our overnight, Thank god for my tredmil and good wine
All the SM's on here
All the SM's on here complaining about keeping the SK's for a week out of a month or every other weekend. Are you serious? I would jump up and down for the opportunity to do just that AND on top of that we get him 50/50 and the BM still drops him off on days which are not ours. She also keeps the $1,300 per month in child support and send the son to school in cheap clothes that he had for years. She then complains because I buy the boy clothes so he could look presentable in school. Oh Really??? You think,,,,
Damn, is it $1,300 a month
Damn, is it $1,300 a month for one child?
Yes $1,300 per month for one
Yes $1,300 per month for one child and on top of that we have him half or more of the time and she doesn't properly care for his clothing. Its just really sad. The son hates going home to his mom because she doesn't do anything with him. I believe the BM is jealous of the relationship I have with her son and she is also upset because with me in the picture she doesn't want to be exposed for the type of mother she really is and embarrassed.