Reunited with old love who isn't as great a father as he is a boyfriend
I am just so torn apart.
I am a few monhs away from THREE YEARS of trying to make a relationship work and I feel like I am doing a horrible unjustice to everyone around me, also myself.
My children are wonderful, I know we all say that...
My boyfriend is wonderful too.
He has been a life long love and knew me long before I met the childrens bf.
We reunited after their father and I divorced.
Unfortunately his abusive upbringing and emotionally unspable and degrading household left him wth so many scars I don't know HOW he will ever-- or IF he will ever- adapt to being able to be emotionally supportive of the children.
He does all he is able, yet he hardly says a word to them unless it is to criticize, condemn, complain, put them down, or discipline them. We end up constantly argueing over their upbringing and he shows little to no regard for their presence when this happens.
He makes comments that I just want him to "shut up" and I dont want his opinion, it isn't so. What I want is some compassion. I wish he could be the father he wished he had. He alsways knew in the past what it was his parents did "wrong" with him and yet now that he has three stepkids he is behaing the same way.
I understand we all revert to what we know and what is familiar, but is there any nope? I am so tired of the struggle and being the bad guy. He has made me have to be constantly on guard and far too soft in my own discipline style feeling I need to compensate for his extreme harshness.
What do you do when the one you love simply resents the children and doesn't treat them as his own? OR treats them as his own but just wouldn't treat his own the way you want yours treated.
He has left us multiple times only to come back aware and well and fall again within days.
My children are afraid of him, they love him, but from a distance. I feel the tension growing. Currently DD9, DS10 and DS6 are still small.. in a few years this could get HORRIBLE.
help...
I dont want to end a relationship that it took 12 years to rediscover-- but are there books? resources? how do you unteach bad parenting?
Your kids come first. Having
Your kids come first. Having to live with like a man like that isn't good for them.
If you feel you just have to have him in your life, get your own place. Continue to date him but keep him away from your children.
I'd tell him his role is as
I'd tell him his role is as my BF. No parenting. They're YOUR kids and you'll parent them as you see fit. Period.
You know I wonder if he's
You know I wonder if he's gotten in a vicious circle like I did, my bf and I have recently had a lot of problems, one of which was that I felt he wanted me to be Mummy when it suited him but when it was discipline time my thoughts were not wanted, Im not saying its exactly the same but what happened was, I became resentful, I started picking on Sd6, as I did this bf became even more protective of her and so the circle continued, I became stressed before her visits and dreaded them, we had a big talk and resolved our issues, now I am Mummy in the house and my opinion/thoughts towards Sd are as important as his, now I no longer feel like picking on her, again Im not saying my situation is the same as your Bf's, I just thought this may help.
If he's doing such a poor job
If he's doing such a poor job that its going to negatively affect your children then you have two choices.
First: have him read the linked article and tell him he is to stay out of the raising of your children or,
Two: leave as you must put your children first.
After reading this article he should understand that a lot of the grief in his life will disappear.
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
WHY is this man disciplining
WHY is this man disciplining YOUR kids? It is not his place to do so. Your kids will hate and resent you later on if you don't make this stop NOW. Being on the receiving end of a hateful step father is NO FUN.