Not fond of my step-son
I am the SM to a 6 year old boy and I think he has a split personality or is bi-polar or something. He can be as sweet as pie one minute and a holy terror the next with instant tears. He has even gone so far as to make himself throw up in order to avoid something he doesn't like or to protest when he is told no. These techniques have worked with his BM but don't work with me.
My DH is younger than I am and honestly is learning his way as he goes as far as child-rearing. He will listen to my advice but we don't always agree on everything, which is to be expected. My sons are much older, 19 and 13, and have been raised entirely different than my SS is being raise (which in my opinion is working on him turning into a real brat).
The BM is utterly lazy in all aspects and doesn't discipline or enforce any structure with any of her kids. She uses the television as a built-in baby-sitter and blames her lack of parenting due to her chaotic life with her other children who are 1 and 3. I frankly am at the end of my rope. I have been yelled at, received nasty text msgs from the BM, and am constantly told on the one hand we are all raising my SS and on the other I had better stay out of it. I have withdrawn myself emotionally for the situation but I waste a large chunk of my time being angry, especially when my SS is with us. Any advice is appreciated!
Implement this completely:
Implement this completely: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
I just read thru the
I just read thru the disengaging and I have been doing just that, when it became apparent that my boyfriend did not want to co-parent. So how do you deal with the kid when the parent is not around? This doesn't happen often but I need to figure that out. Also, After reading many posts, I'm wondering WTF I'm doing. I know my boyfriend and his kid are a package deal but I can't deal with all this unpleasentness everytime I have to be around the kid. Should I give up? I've been with this guy a year.... should I give another year even tho no one wants to change?
Discipline the brat. Show him
Discipline the brat. Show him consequences to all bratty behavior. Be swift and consistent
I can relate, as much as I
I can relate, as much as I care for my SS, I really don't like him and see that his father is blind to these 'obvious' problems.
I know what you mean! And i
I know what you mean! And i am in the same boat, we're expected to care for these kids as our own but we're limited to what we can do and say. Uuuugghhhh
Honestly, as a step parent I
Honestly, as a step parent I think the most loving thing you can do for this kid is disengage. I'm just now hitting this point but wish I had done it earlier..it would have probably made me hate my husband less and not be irritated with his son. I am now filled with marriage threatening resentment. I'm not even ashamed of being mean anymore. I know that involving myself with his son like I used to do - get into arguments over custody with BM, discipline him, teach him manners - just makes me a cranky bitter evil stepmother. I'm still cranky and bitter but disengaging is my way of shielding both him and me from it as much as possible. At the end of the day, he's a kid and he is the result of BOTH his parents behaviors, both good and bad. As other people have said, the real problem are the bio parents who don't effectively parent or support your parenting. I did have that fantasy when I first met my husband, that over time his kids would come to like me, that they would see that I never talked bad about their mom, was supportive, yadda yadda yadda. But you can only "all parent him" together when the situation allows, not when it's dysfunctional and all kinds of crazy. My step son is coming this weekend...my plans...say hello, be polite, stay clear. Not my kid. Not my responsibility.