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Someone kick me for engaging too much!

Cooooookies's picture

Submitted by Cooooookies on Fri, 08/26/2016 - 12:47am

About two weeks or so ago, I noticed one of our phone chargers was missing. There are really nice built-in cabinets in the dining room with 4 outlets and usually 4 chargers for all the electronic gizmos we have. One of them went missing and I know I didn't move it. DH insisted I took that charger upstairs and put it in the master bedroom but I know it wasn't that one.

Anywho, saw the charger in SS13's room several days ago. Asked him why he had it since he isn't allowed anything that would require that charger. Standard dumb look with the answer of "I don't know". Of course you don't.

Except that he did because I always check his room for food because I refuse to live with mice and roaches. In looking for wrappers under his pillow I discover my old smartphone (and more food wrappers) that I replaced six months ago. TADA!!! Reason for charger discovered!

Turn it on and, of course, millions of pages of porn sites visited come up in the internet history. Showed DH, along with the food wrappers, and this is where I should've just walked away and kept my big mouth shut! Except I didn't and we ended up having a big discussion about:

-YES, he does know better....otherwise he wouldn't LIE and SNEAK!

-YES, he has autism but he is very intelligent and CAN BE TAUGHT BETTER!

-NO, he's not your cute little 5 year old boy anymore, STOP pitying him! and

-HOW the hell can you just sit back and NOT parent your child! He spends 23 hours a day in his room, is addicted to screens, porn and junk food and is completely failing school. HOW IN THE FLIP do you not go "Wow I'm failing my child completely, I must start doing things differently!"

Yeah, should've kept my mouth shut. Really really reallyyyyyyy struggling with this. SS13 is very intelligent and could be taught and guided towards a completely different life. Instead he has a mother who only talks to him for 5 minutes per week and a dad who pities and babies him. He's treated like a potato.

Someone slap me back into remission please.

Comments

Cooooookies's picture

Submitted by Cooooookies on Fri, 08/26/2016 - 3:29am

Please, Fruit, kick to your heart's delight! I don't know how he can be such a good husband yet such an idiot father. Boggles my mind.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

Submitted by CompletelyPuzzled on Fri, 08/26/2016 - 4:19am

When I read your post, I automatically thought of Jaspercat's potato. And, for a moment, I imagined the two of them as friends. Lets hope your SS13 and Potato never meet. I can just see their friendship: sitting on the bed, watching hours of anime porn while dipping candy bars into jumbo sized jars of peanut butter.

But on a serious note, I agree that you should have just walked away. You can't make him parent his kid. I agree that it is sad, especially since he knows his son has autism and needs extra guidance. I just don't understand parents like that.

Cooooookies's picture

Submitted by Cooooookies on Fri, 08/26/2016 - 9:15am

"Let me guess, you resent that this kiddo has zero responsibility and zero skills because when he flanks out and/or turns 18 he will have no where to go, and no abilities or motivation to look. You also feel guilty that no one seems to care about this boy and how he might have a chance if someone shows him how to live and become independent."

Yes, yes, YES!! I try and tell DH that was he's NOT doing or teaching him now has long term affects! It may be easily overlooked if an awkward 13 year old doesn't do his laundry or know how to make basic foods. Not so cute when he's 25 and can't do a damn thing, include hold down a job because he's been taught that he's responsible and accountable for absolutely nothing.

They. Just. Refuse. To. See. It.

MineAndYours's picture

Submitted by MineAndYours on Fri, 08/26/2016 - 6:10am

Skid issues aside...if DH is not doing anything to improve your mental health with the situation then he is failing you.

YOU have a problem with SS living in your house the way he is. The taking the charger..the leaving of food wrappers..all affects you. Your home should be your sanctuary..yours and your DH. SS has to live there....but DH HAS to make it tolerable for you to have him there.

This has nothing to do with SS..it's to do with the lack of respect your DH is showing you. Put your foot down honey...he has to man up for things to get better. IF not then you have some tough decisions to make.

Cooooookies's picture

Submitted by Cooooookies on Fri, 08/26/2016 - 9:18am

Yes, I know it's a DH problem. It ultimately comes down to what I want to tolerate in my home. Why can't men just be parents?!

Cooooookies's picture

Submitted by Cooooookies on Fri, 08/26/2016 - 9:10am

SS talks to me all the time. With him being on the spectrum, he hasn't a clue how to hate or be PAS'd or any of that non-sense. In fact, I wish he'd stop giving hugs because I don't like it. He isn't being this way to get back at me. He's being this way because 1) he's a teen pushing boundaries, as teens do and 2) he lacks common sense and basic life skills, such as all things in moderation. *cough* Besides the fact that I just don't generally care for him anyway, it's DH's lack of parenting that drives me mad.

At this point, I am determined to let no child of BM2 or BM2 herself to be the cause of our marriage failing. Most of the time, I disengage pretty well and let things go. This was one of those moments I felt something needed to be said. Will it do any good? Eh, probably not. Or maybe one day it will slowly sink into DH's thick male brain. Stranger things have happened.

I'm so sorry what you're going through hun but I'm happy for you that you're getting a well deserved break. Take care of yourself <3

Cooooookies's picture

Submitted by Cooooookies on Fri, 08/26/2016 - 9:28am

Dear dog, neither do I! That's why I engage every so often. SS needs to at the very MINIMUM, go into one of those semi-independent community dealies that help people like him and/or with similar needs. I just keep hinting and talking about that option really really positively }:)

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Fri, 08/26/2016 - 7:24am

Sometimes, things just need to be said.

My DH asks me if he should stop talking to his daughter about her getting a job, not being a doormat for her boyfriend, saving money, etc. I told him that she needs to hear to it. Not every time they talk but when she's telling him about her problems and they are directly related to these things, yes, he should say what he has to say.

If he doesn't, it's like he's condoning and supporting her way of life, which he doesn't. He wants better for her and knows she can do it if she would just try. He doesn't put her down and is very encouraging (unlike BM) but sometimes he feels like he shouldn't say anything. I told him, "You are her Dad, no matter how old she is (25, but very immature), and that's what parents do."

The funny thing is, he actually asked her if it bothered her when he does this and she said, "No, you are my dad, that's what you're supposed to do."

Anyway, the way your DH parents (or rather, doesn't), affects you and your home. But it is also going to have a detrimental effect on his son. I would absolutely not stay quiet.