It seems like everyone is kind of out of control. Maybe they don't want to admit that and when you ask dad to be dad and grandma to be grandma they know you're right but if they do what you say, that means you have control... even if you don't see it that way! I'm sure you're not trying to control them, rather you are trying to do what's best for the kids. Unfortunately when step kids are involved its their immediate family that seems to never have the kids' best interest. That is my case. My SS9 can also be a pain in the a$$ but I love him dearly and DH and I fear he has undiagnosed problems (see my post on him). Our BM won't do a damn thing for him and just accepts him how he his but he needs guidance, like yours does. Actions speak louder than words. It took a few times of me being mean, aka disciplining my skids, to get my DH to see it is the right thing to do or they will just walk all over us. I treat them the same way I treat our own son. Your SS9 needs this crying to get in bed with daddy thing to stop. Lock your bedroom door at night so he can't barge in? Maybe a few nights of ignoring it will make him see he can't throw a fit to get what he wants? If he learns he can throw a fit to manipulate, trust me, that will stick with him and he will play that out forever. Stop letting him in the bed, ever. And what did the doc at the hospital say when you took him? It also sounds like maybe he needs help identifying emotions. When he says hateful things, talk to him about it calmly. "Do you feel angry/mad/sad/upset/frustrated/etc. right now?" "What made you feel that way?" "Why?" eventually this will help him identify emotions because how is he supposed to deal with feelings if he doesn't even know what is going on.

Also, I think you may have to find a nice, ladylike way to talk with MIL. I have found that when I speak up to mine she respects me more. I think sometimes my MIL doesn't see my side so when I say something it opens her eyes. My DH and I had been married about 4 or 5 years, trying to convince my MIL how awful my skids mom is & she wouldn't believe it (kids were about 6 & 9 so MIL has known BM for about 10 years at this point)until she took them home & was on the porch zipping her coat & heard BM say "stop it you little fu*kers" and all of a sudden MIL saw the light. Again, actions. Always be the voice of reason, speak calmly, don't lose your cool, and be patient. Good luck

Honestly, my MIL has tried to tell us what to do in many occasions when it came to my DHs daughter, etc...No matter how nice I was or whether I said nothing, it never changed. It has been 13 years we have been together. The reason it finally started getting better was because my HUSBAND actually stood up to her. Mind you, even with that, she would come to me behind my husband's back and tried to tell me what to do, but thankfully, after 10 years, my husband understood that either I would tell her off or he had to start handling it. He figured he would start handling it and understood, through many, many, many talks with him and I and reading about "boundaries", that it was up to him to do it and that if he didn't, I had EVERY RIGHT to tell her to stop and defend MY boundaries. Things have improved greatly. It used to be that he would say nothing, or would wait for me to complain to him...now, if she even dares ask a question, he quickly tells her "that's not up for discussion, this is the way it is, you don't have a say." By HIM setting up the boundaries, she has finally gotten the hint. Again, that doesn't mean she still might not try, but nowhere near as bad as before and he quickly shoots her down when she does try. It has helped our relationship tremendously. But again, this will NOT happen if it's you doing the talking. It will ONLY happen when your husband steps up to the plate and does it himself.

PS - my uncle has told me many times, when people do NOT respect your boundaries, the worst thing you can do is attempt to have a conversation with them or to explain your point of view. The fact that they don't respect your boundaries means that no explaining in the world will make them respect you, period...thus, don't waste your time. By explaining anything to them you are in essence letting them know that "they have a right to discuss these issues with you." He is so 100% correct. It was only when my DH and I stopped "engaging" idiot MIL and clearly stated "this is our issue, not up for discussion", that she has settled down.

My little brother used to hyperventilate, the worst that will happen is that your ss will pass out, it won't do him any harm, my mother used to throw cold water in my brothers face, that stopped him, I always ignore tantrums, I salute you for your values, my parenting is the same as yours, my hubbles ex Mil partly brings up Sd6, because Bm is a lazy cow, Mil has no authority and Sd talks to her like something on her shoe, as soon as she's with us, she is a different nicer girl, the reason for the change is that I won't tolerate bad behavior or disrespect, its been a long road but Bf has finally seen the light, your husbands mil is trying to take back control, to be honest whatever you did, she would have something to say about it and it would'nt be good enough, so I would'nt worry about her, its a waste of your energy, you are doing the right thing and Im sure your Bf will see the light as mine did, why does she come to your house? That is something that needs to be sorted out, if she dos'nt respect/like you, what the hell if your Bf doing by letting her into your home?