Wow. I wish I had some advice but I only have sympathy. The only thing I can say is DON'T bad or guilty for not loving this child. You're basically signed up to take care of a kid who is not an easy kid, and not your own kid either. Anyone would struggle with that!!! I don't think there is an easy fix for you but sure as hell DO NOT feel like you should "love this child the way DH feels you're supposed to". Even if DH was in your same situation and he somehow magically loved the child in question, that doesn't mean you can or have to. Anyway you really have my sympathy. If my Skids BM suddenly went AWOL or was unfit, my life would be a nightmare. I need them gone half the time to stay sane.

And don't let DH guilt trip you, saying you "need to" or "should" love his son. Your DH doesn't have any Skids, so how can he ask you to do something he has never had to try to do???

If he did, he would know first hand that sometimes you can't just love someone elses kid! I know sometimes you can. But mostly from what I have seen, you can't. And you just have to be kind to them, not love them on demand!!!

I hate when people think all kids are lovable to other adults other than their parents. Some kids are only going to be loved by their own biological parents! Geeze! I always say "other people's kids are annoying".

Hi I've never used a site like this.... But it seems pretty nice to have someone to talk to about this.... I'm going through almost the same thing!!!! It is so difficult....I met my hubby 3 yrs ago ....had an awesome 1st yr relationship being young, free....we were always traveling.....I knew he had a son.... But was told he just visited in summers n holidays.....end of yr 1... I met my stepson when he was 2.... He came to visit for Xmas .... And mom had him stay w us for 6 months!!!! I was 28 didn't have any kids and no experience.... Then All of a sudden had to change diapers and potty train a kid ....omg!!!! of course we thought he was just visiting cause mom was going through a hard time ....(cause I couldn't ever imagine a mother not wanting to be with her child!!!)He then went back to moms house for 3 months and then the cycle began....she sent him back to us.....for two months.....then back to her .... She was calling all the shots ....whenever she wanted him or didn't want him....and we just felt sorry for him so we went along.... Thinking were helping her.....and him...they were basically living in poverty....and she was in college and always partying (still does). 

In the last year and a half he's only been w mom about a month..... So I'm officially a full time mom!!! Without really wanting to be.... :(...Cause I love my husband and want him to be happy and I feel sorry for my stepson that his mom sucks and doesn't try to provide a better life for him!!!!! But deep down I have so much resentment.... Before this my life was awesome ... I had been teaching for 5 yrs....beginning grad school... Carefree Independent.....Happy..... 

Now I feel like you said tied down.... I didn't work this year because I'm trying to get used to this....mom thing .... I had 2 nervous breakdowns last year while trying to do it "all".... Its just so freakin overwhelming.... I can't just pick up and do what I want... NOW I have to find a sitter..... I had to trade in my mustang (that i worked so hard for/only thing I've ever purchased by myself) to NOW drive  a suv....I'm not in grad school....again cause I can't concentrate w a five yr old whose always talking/ screaming :(.... But mom gets to be is in college..... And do whatever she wants.....And doesn't give us a dime.....even though I'm being superficial on some things I just feel like I'm getting the raw end of the deal......sorry for writing so much..... It just feels good to let it all out.... To someone who understands.....

Side note: Bio mom has full custody.... My Hubby doesn't want to fight for custody.....but wants him to live w us forever..... He says mom probably won't want him back.....and I feel so bad for this lil boy he's so sweet and it's not his fault .... He just wants a mommy....I just don't want to regret anything.... I'm so confused:(   

I can only sympathise! I have my sd6 at weekends and one night after school, and that can send me into a spiralling cycle. First I would like to say I admire you for even considering it in the first place. As a step mum, I'm aware that there is always a small possibility i could endbup a full time mum, if god forbid anything happened to bio mum.

There are a few different things here...
1) unfortunatly your husband has a point about fighting for custody. Who has custody, him or both of you?
2) if you both have custody and your there 100% then I think you have ever right to correct the behaviour. If your husband wants to keep custody, then he should understand those are the terms. You can't be expected to do everything, but worry or get concerned. I have a friend who's kid we think may be autistic, but who's pride stops them from telling anyone. It sounds llike your husband has some pride and no doubt fear going on around sons possible autism. The kid needs to come first, and needs to be checked out. Autistic kids need lots of support, as do the parents. I recently met a lovely women who's bio son was autistic and still struggled. I think as a step mum, or bio mum it's normal for it to get on top of you. However your husband ought to support you too. If your husband is unwilling to take him to a specialist, then consider doing it yourself.

I was advised to take time away from sd as much a poss when it's getting on top, but Im sure that's hard to do when full time. Other good advise was that I don't have to love sd. That I can have as many mixed feelings as I like, and that doesn't make me a bad person. Thoughts and feeling are never bad, it's our action around them that shape the person we are. It sounds like you are a loving mum and person. The strains of resentments I built up almost ruined my relationship. I love my partner with all my heart, as he is the kindest most loving person I know. The only thing that causes friction is the sd and our difference in opinions. No matter how many times I told him how much it effected me, it wasn't until I was honest about questioning our long term suitability that he woke up and really listened. Men tend to see things in different ways, and most are not as in touch with emotions as us. Maybe try telling him your at breaking point and being 100% honest with concerns he may listen. I wish you all the luck with the situation. I have recently started stocking up on step parenting books lol my friend gave me a fiction book called 'the step parents support group' very funny and yet I was full if identification. It made me smile, and gave me hope. Maybe give it a try xx

I completely understand your situation. I had "surprise" full custody dropped on me when my SD (then 14) had to come live with us.

If I had to do it all over again, I would have said hell no and run. I know people say if you're a stepmom, you knew what you signed up for when you married a guy with kids. But I never expected his daughter to come live with us full time. He only saw her 2-3 weeks a year. I had only met her once. It took him ages to even tell me about her. DH and I had been dating for some months and I already had met his sons before he admitted he to me that he had father a kid when he was a teen.

My SD is a terror, and it makes it worse that her father is so guilty over the situation that he will never actually parent her.

I'm home alone with my SD, and it's as if someone dropped off a hostile, angry foster kid and told them they had to live at my house. She doesn't want to be here and makes things as difficult as possible for everyone.

Things with my DH and other stepkids were fine before SD arrived and that's the only thing that's allowing me to get through this. SD is away living with her older half-sister this summer, so it is a break from her. I highly suggest finding someone else that can take your SS to give you a break, if just for an afternoon or weekend.

But now that I'm back to the way things were before she arrived, I'm dreading her returning. I finally have my life back.

Hello! This is my first post on this forum. I am looking forward to reading through but I had to answer this post. My ss is quite well behaved, 9 yo w/a bm who is really good about issues. However, he is ADHD. His school and his doctors have wanted to medicate him but his dad, bm & I are really against that. We use behavior modifaction, different ways of approaching learning, ect. That all said, I really understand how some of you feel about loving him like he is a friend's child! My dh really has wanted it to be something more than it is. In fact, when my dh & I were first together, my ss was really not in the picture (he was 2 then). My then-boyfriend spoke of him a little. In retrospect, dh was reeling from the divorce and loss of his son, who he had taken care of up until the point of the divorce most of the time. DH & I fell in love so quickly, moved in together soon thereafter as well (we did not marry for several years though when I became pregant, then miscarried). One could say it was my fault that I did not persue pinpointing what might be transpiring with the child but I was certainly under the impression that my then-boyfriend was not interested in having the child very much. The first time he saw his son was about four months after we were together. By then, I was operating under the impression that he would have a little visitation every now and then. I was so in love, it is difficult to say what I would have done if I had known at the time that we would be taking my ss 95% of the time in the summer and 25-35% of the time during the school year. I feel like I can be honest here ("venting" is in the title of this site!). We just returned from a 10 day camping trip which went well and was fun. Of course, there were a few bumps in the road, only to be expected. I can honestly say that at this point, I feel like I really do not want to be a step-mom anymore. I never did. In fact, I have never had the strong maternal desire that many women feel. I was so happy when I did become pregnant, my miscarriage was devastating. Even with that, I feel much like I did previous to my pregnancy which was if the universe wants me to give birth to a child, then so be it. It is my choice to let that happen. Chances are, it will not again (I'm 41). However, I did have the choice about being a sm but now I feel I'm stuck with a decision that I really didn't make. Thanks to anyone who has read this whole rambling post!

It's like we're in the identical situation...