8 years in and Dh Finds a Truth
Dh and I watch 2 1/2 Men after work. Its funny and its well-written and in high school I had a crush on John Cryer. This one particular episode the brother that has a teenager and is living with his more popular wealthy brother is having a baby with his ex-wife. LOL. And the father-to-be is paying a lot of extra attention to this child - to the point of just showing up at the exes house and helping the new spouse with painting and creating the baby room. Well sometimes these ridiculous situations cause conversations to happem, and epiphanies are reached.
The teen (1/2) was asked if hes resentful and jealous of all the attention the new sibling is getting while not even being born yet. Teen sais "no" with attitude. This sparked a comment from DH "thats what happened to SD22 Feral Forger, thats why she went bad, when SD15.5 was born is when she turned bad. She was happy and good before that, even though she said she wanted a sister, by the time the sister came she turned bad(translated to resentful)"
Then he added "thats what happened when I met you too. She was happy when I moved her mother out of here and it was just us. She cleaned, and did dishes and helped out, and she was happy. And then you came into my life, and thats when she turned bad (became resentful and mean and rude and dirty).
Knowing that this would be a zero sum game with no real benefits, I just said "yes, when her mother left, there was a 'wife-void' to fill and so she was elevated to the role of wife, and ruled the roost as queen bee and then I came along and was the new Queen Bee, and she had to go back to being 'just the child', and she didnt like that". I just hammered lightly the point of roles of wife and child and how its very common for the daughter to step in and be elevated to wife-mother role when the parents separate into two households.
Dh also made a point that he "chose me and his own happiness", because she had made it clear that it was either her or me. I guess I won?
Forget about all the rest of it - the fighting and ww3 to get her ready for school, the lies, the stealing, the accusations. None of that had anything to really do with me. I didnt cause it, I didnt "make her go bad". She resented that she was ousted from her wife-role of making decisions and telling her sister what to do, and controlling the household the way she wanted.
It was interesting and a different perspective but I think he missed the point. We will need to revisit this at a later time.
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Yeah.. not admitting that it
Yeah.. not admitting that it was allowing an unhealthy dynamic that didn't allow for any "new" person.. baby.. partner" that really caused the issue. It wasn't the new person... it was that the relationship dynamic was wrong before the new person! and the transition wasn't handled well either.
precisely
And because I only have snippets of historical data to go on...I know Toxic Troll thinks he is controlling with anger issues, I know she drinks to oblivion, is extremely jealous and prone to violence. I dont think their relationship was very healthy to begin with, and as parents who knows how they treated the daughters before and after the birth of the youngest. I have a nippet: Toxic Troll wanted to be a stay at home mother of both kiddos. SD22 cried constantly and DH would come home to a dirty house, crying Toxic Troll and crying child. She went back to workforce. Then aprox 7 years later another child in the mix, again wants to stay at home, DH would come home to dirty house, toddler running around in dirty diapers, TT passed out on the couch and an empty bottle of vodka in the trash. My snippets of them as parents are all TT stories of her drinking to oblivion. Nothing about the family relationship dynamics except Dh tells me she was a lazy inept mother who didnt really want to "do that".
Dh also made a point that he
Dh also made a point that he "chose me and his own happiness", because she had made it clear that it was either her or me. I guess I won?
He still has a lot of growth to do. Instead he should be choosing you as his life partner, and learning how to be a father to his daughter. Instead it was just easier for him to dump the daughter and not have to change his relationship with her. My DH did the same thing and while I understand cutting out the toxic, they helped create and foster that toxic. They should learn how to work to clean up that mess and deal with it as a parent.
Definitely
Baby steps. But how to express this. Telling him he dumped the kid, only exacerbates the whole guilt trip associated with SD22 FF.
I have in the past made suggestions as to him contacting her or facetiming her to keep the relationship positive. He has admitted that he is bad at communicating his emotions.
"Dh also made a point that he
"Dh also made a point that he "chose me and his own happiness", because she had made it clear that it was either her or me. I guess I won?"
Your DH has no boundaries or spine. BM told him what to do, leaves, and FF gets to tell him what to do. Now that you are there, you tell him what to do (not criticizing, he sounds like he needs it). He has never taken responsibility to be the adult of the house.
Great show
Love that show and love John Cryer. And that is exactly it, you didn't make her go bad. Where you were, I am at the exact same spot except for my SD is 12. Her father was never married, he had SD12 when he and the BM were 17 and still in highschool. They split up shortly after SD12 was born, but DBF had long term relationships after that. Well, for 2 years, he was single and I could definitely tell that SD12 was trying to take on the wife role. When I first met her, things were great, we got along well and she kept her distance. Once I moved in, she was telling me where things needed to go, where things needed to be hung up, how I wasn't letting the dogs out properly (Wth?), she would need to be on daddys lap or cuddling with him, that was an on and off thing. Then me and DBF bought a house together and everytime I would come home for work, she was cuddling with him on the chair or the couch.... Everytime we would go out to eat, she had to be the one sitting right next to him, resting her head on him, when we were in grocery shopping or walking places, she had to be the one holding his hand, when I was hanging stuff up and putting stuff away in the new house that me and DBF bought together, she kept telling me that that's not where she wants the pictures and items to go. It was getting pretty bad. I ended up blowing up at DBF and explaining what I saw and how it made me feel and how I am the partner and they acted like they were a couple, after that it seems like things were getting better in the clingyness sense, but now all I get is attitude. She overheard me and DBF talking about having more children together and how we plan on getting married in the very near future, nothing but eye rolls and attitude ever since.
At least DH kind of recognized that after watching that show, and you know that it wasn't you that caused your SD to act the way she did. Her being older now, is she still snotty and such?
Blogs - my blogs have years of details
Yeah, shes worse now, at 22, hence the need for me to be here, lol. SD22 Feral Forger and I met when she was roughly 15.5 (horrible age anyways). She was never overly affectionate with Dh (thank goodness for small favors) just very bossy and demanding.
One funny memory about household management and changes - I put an old framed print from walmart in the garage, and replaced it with a quirky peice of original art a friend had given me from her art class. SD22then16 demanded to know where the print from walmart was. Why did I change it. Huffed off. Like that. Then it was "daddy can you buy me this, take me hereandthere". This morphed into her disrespecting me, me telling her, then me telling him and her saying no shes lying, then "your choosing your GIRLFRIEND over your own chiiiiiiiiiild".
When she moved on on her own, she basically ghosted us. Just started living somewhere else, with no communcation. After 7 months of not looking in her hazard waste dump of a room, I decided enough was enough, and told DH that we were cleaning it that very day. Since he was making a trip to the dump. A electric bed base and filthy mattress came out, two dressers sold, amoire, office chair, 3 bags of donate, 5-6 bags of trash, etc.
I made into my Clove room with fish tank, bookcases for purses and boots, some plants and a writing desk. Shes mad at me of course, because how dare I touch "her stuff". Oh you want that vibrator and empty whiskey bottle, the used pads, and dirty laundry back? lol. No she still wanted to move back in with us, and her stuff was to be a "placeholder" so she could sleaze her way back in.
They are pretty set by 12. And with unhealthy dynamics at play, its really hard to reprogram things in a more healthy modality.
Oh Boy
I would have probably gagged or worse while cleaning out that room! But good on you guys for cleaning it out and making it your own. Definitely doesn't leave the option open for her to move back in. Great idea, and I may do that as soon as my DD13 and SD12 move out. I will probably do it the day after graduation, haha. That sucks that she is still a snot to you, now I kind of know what to look forward too.....*eyeroll* She's been getting a little better, but still snotty as ever.
Funny about the photo! And I may take up that advice as well, lol. We still have a few things to hang, but I told DBF that we aren't putting 100 pictures of SD12 up on the wall like she wants us to, that it was going to be a mixture of SD12 and DD13 and our family plus our Native art work and that was it. He agreed, SD12 has made comments about it on and off but I choose to just ignore her.
is SD artistic?
If yes, maybe include some art on the walls too?
I include Sd15 in things sometimes to get her happy about it.
Bratty tried that too
To keep her 'room' with us as a placeholder. Eff that. Suck it up buttercup - time to go live in the real world.
We turned her room into a whiskey lounge
That whole miniwife piece is
That whole miniwife piece is why I think banning Killjoy from my house was more of a reward than a punishment.
DH says she's so much better now, and it just makes me angry. He has to be a special kind of stupid to keep telling me that. She got what she wanted, she's the Queen of his household again. She doesn't have to follow my rules anymore. And Satan knows it's costing us a lot financially, which is a win for her, plus she doesn't have to compete with me. DH says he's being super strict, but I'm skeptical, I've heard that before. And I doubt she's being as good as he claims, he doesn't see manipulation when it's slapping him in the face. Right now I can tell Killjoy is angling for DH to pay for all her college costs, but DH says she doesn't ask. And yet he knows all the goings on with her applications and offers, and he's been feeling super stressed out lately, for no apparent reason. Womp womp.
At least I don't have to put up with her sh!t anymore.
I didnt even know
Mini wife syndrome was a syndrome and now I have read so many stories about this occurence. Its twisted and sick.
Once again
You can not change people. They will think? And act the way they want. There nothing you can do. Your DH did not parent FF. He took the easy way out. FF want to play mini wife he allowed it. She wanted to be queen bee at 15. He allowed it. It was easy.
When you came along, instead of working with her, He just demoted her. They had an unhealthy relationship from the start. FF could not understand there only one queen bee. So she acted out. Trying to be important. In her mind.
This is all on DH.
Good (lol) that DH "chose me and his own happiness", because she had made it clear that it was either her or me. I guess I won?" Once again took the easy way out. Looking out for himself
Truth according to DH
According to HIM, he wasnt "allowed" to parent FF. Everytime he tried Toxic Troll would block him. But he failes to see how alloweing her to step into the role of mini-wife was a lack of parenting.
Demoted. Yep. Back into child role is demotin, in her eyes. SD15 B/M sees it as better because she gets taken care of. And its more balanced. But as shes getting older shes been acting like a mini-wife occasionally. The whole "them club" and "me club". Im squashing that as much as possible but like a noxious weed it crops up here and there.
That speaks volumes about
That speaks volumes about parental fails. Heaps of families have multiple children. Is every elder sibling resentful and hateful of the new arrivals? Only the ones poorly prepared by their parents. Of course there's always a bit of insecurity and mixed feelings of being ousted but the majority of children who feel secure and loved end up being the younger child's biggest protectors.
It's a waste of time
It's a waste of time analyzing our spouses' previous marriage. We weren't there. So we don't know. What difference does it make now? I'd focus on your current marriage and how your DH treats you and how your marriage succeeds or fails. All it matters if he is a good husband this time around. I'd not waste 5 minutes of my time analyzing his first marriage? What for?
As about parenting. Again you weren't there. Of course he'll tell you he wasn't allowed to parent or what not. But he could start parenting at any time. It's never too late. Is it easy? No. Much easier to always blame everyone else and do nothing. If everything is his ex's and his kids' fault then he never has do to do anything. And you never hold him responsible. And mini wives act this way because they are allowed and encouraged. No one is born to be a mini wife.
Your preoccupation with his ex and skids and them always be the cause of every issue just doesn't sound healthy. Focus on your relationship with him. Don't worry about ex