I’m on the struggle bus with my 10 year old SD
I just recently gained a 10 year old daughter. My husband and I have been together for about 3 years now, and married for about a month. I struggle everyday with being a step parent. Don't get my wrong, my step daughter is a great kid. She is extremely intelligent, caring, and all around well behaved. There are a few things recently that have just been driving me absolutely insane.
About 2 months ago, Bio Mom sat down with us and told us that SD was afraid of Dad, and didn't feel comfortable at our house. She said she feels alone, and depressed. I struggle with these statements because a.) she is using depressed as a feeling, b.) We never have any issues at our house, she never says anything and seems perfectly fine. This is about the 3rd time Mom has sat us down to have these conversations, and I feel like it is always "us" that are doing something wrong, when we literally have 0 issues ever.
I am annoyed with a variety of things at this point. 1.) telling her to brush her hair, her doing a half ass job, and then the tears when we tell her to do it correctly. 2.) Her constantly saying "sorry" when you are just making a comment about something. 3.) she's super lazy (but that's a kid thing). 4.) the constant asking of questions and eavesdropping on conversations and then the tears when you call her out on it. My husband keeps telling me she is just a kid and I need to calm down, but at this point, I get super anxious when she is around because she literally needs to be entertained, I feel like I'm tip toeing around, but I shouldn't be.
Does anyone have any recommendations on how to handle any of these situations. I feel like we are at the beginning stages of her minipulating situations to get what she wants, and I'm trying to shut it down.
My BM tried this with us.
My BM tried this with us. Ignore her and realize that you and SD need to figure out how to coexist on your terms, not BM's. Dad is her parent and should be doing all of the parenting but you have the right to set your own boundaries with how she treats you as an adult in your home. If she's bothering you, tell her to find her dad. With this new lifestyle forced upon us, one lazy person in the house will drive us nuts. If dad won't make her pick up after himself, then it's his job to do it. Not yours. Time for a family meeting with them both and make some basic rules on how your house needs to function so you don't end up killing each other.
Never let BM control your home.
BM just wants to control your home and family. NO. You do what you want, it's your home, SD is a visitor.
She is extremely intelligent, caring, and all around well behaved.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This is really all you can ask for. Especially as a step parent.
1) Don't tell her to brush her hair. If dad wants it brushed then let dad tell her.
2) What kind of comments are you making?
3) Yep,,,kid thing.
Just relax and let DH handle it. Oh, and as someone said above...NEVER have a sit down with BM. DH got her pregnant...not you. Just tell him no.
Never let anyone's X have any
Never let anyone's X have any influence in or access to your home, marriage and family.
An X is irrelevant in your home, in your life and in the lives even if Skids when they are in your home. Enforce those boundaries.
OMG! SD10 over here is
OMG! SD10 over here is EXACTLY the same. We struggle with the same things. You know what? I quit getting on SD about her hygeine. Natural consequence? She got cavities. Was upset when she got fillings, but you know what? Not on my insurance, and I tried to help.
Refused to brush her hair. What happened? Got so matted and knotted, DH had to CUT chunks of knots out of her hair. Oh, you wanted long hair? Sorry that didn't work out because you chose to not listen and take care of your hygeine.
My approach lately is that natural consequnces come on their own and speak for themselves. I can just sit back and watch.
BM does this with us as well. Not in person, but over text. Everything SD10 is supposedly "upset" about but she never says anything to us. We talk to her separately and one on one. Nothing. BM is just falling for your SD10 crave for attention instead of asking HER what is wrong - immediately shifting the blame on yall. Constantly blaming - total sign of HCBM. If she wants to "sit down" in the future, i would suggest it being formal, ie therapy, so it isn't biased. Or just not at all. Period. You would be surprised how easily she can twist everything... record your conversations bc she and SD10 will claim you both said differently.