On the Fence Step Parent
I am a mother of two boys age 3 and 1. Their bio father almost never calls so they don't even know him. I have been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months now. We would like to get married. We live together. I knew him before we started dating and so did my kids. He was almost like an uncle to them in their relationship dynamic, because this guy was my best friend. We were roommates before we were dating as well. So when we were about 4 months in we discussed long term plans such as if we last a year we want to get married. Then we discussed the kids. I said I didnt want to get married until I knew if he was a good fit for the boys. So he immesiately jumped on fathering without hesitation. He changes diapers, helps brush teeth, we tuck them into bed together, we feed them together, we do it all as one unit. However, just the other night I brought up a casual conversation regarding the kids and then all of a sudden he is telling me that he pretty much hates parenting but he is going to do it anyway. I asked him if he wanted to be a father and he said he didnt know. He goes on about how much of a chore it is to take care of them. How all the toddler does is whine when he doesn't get what he wants. How the baby is too needy and can't feed himself. That is not how I view it at all. The baby is very independent and doesnt at all mind alone time, can self soothe, and put itself to sleep without much intervention from me. And the toddler just gets a little emotional when he has to brush his teeth and a few other things. I dont get it. I asked him why he ever wanted to be a father in the first place considering he has wanted to be a father for years. He said he just wanted his legacy passed on. Now he is saying that he receives no joy from being a father. When in the past I have seen him brag about how wonderful the kids are to his parents. And he used to just look at the kids and say "man, being a dad is great," when the kids would do something silly. Now he is running from the idea. For the past few days he hasnt been in the same room as them. I have fed them and taken care of them and tucked them in alone. Which is fine I don't mind parenting alone. But I dont know what is happening. We have been parenting together for a few months and He seemed to enjoy it. Now he hates it? Now I feel like my relationship and my kids are entirely separate worlds when we live together. It doesnt make any sense. I feel deceived and let down. I would have been okay with the idea if he had said he wasnt ready to be a parent and then we had taken it slow. He didn't have to start parenting yet. I said from the start that we could wait til he was ready. But he told me he was ready so I let him become a parent. I taught him how. He seemed so eager to learn. Now he is backing out. I dont know why. Is it the actual parenting gig or is it some problem with our relationship? Please help me, step dads.
Not a step dad but - it's not
Not a step dad but - it's not his job to parent your kids, and what he's doing isn't being a father, it's being a stepfather, which is very different. He's not passing his legacy on through your kids, they aren't HIS kids. And one day, most likely, their bio father will come back into the picture and steal his thunder just by being the "real" dad.
You've moved in together and have him parenting within 8 months. I think he's wise to have second thoughts.
Did you read my post
I'm confused. In my post, I said that he decided to pick up parenting on his own and I said he could take his time but he did it anyway. I understand that a parent is different than a step. One is biological and one is a parent by marriage. They all have about the same tasks. Except my sons' biological father doesn't even care about them and doesn't call or text. This guy has genuinely cared about these kids from the moment he met them. I understand second thoughts, but this seems beyond second thoughts. I never required him to be a parent right off the bat or even said he should right then. He did that because he wanted to. Only just now is he expressing any sort of disdain for any of it.
Yes,I read your post. You are
Yes,I read your post. You are disappointed that your BF of 8 months doesn't want to take over as father, as you hoped he would. Clearly he thought he would like being a parent to your kids and discovered otherwise. Now is the time to establish a relationship that is not based on him being a father to your kids, if that's what you want.
He certainly did not decide
He certainly did not decide to pick up the parenting "all on his own." You made it very clear to him that you would not commit to him until he proved a "good fit" for your children. He went in thinking you'd be worth the effort and now he's having regrets.
Sometimes shit just happens.
Sometimes shit just happens. There is no why, it just is. This guy has apparently backed out. That he has decided not to be a dad may just be one of those things.
That said, you have young children with a BioDad who does not participate. Your chosen future mate must also be a strong male example of character and a strong example of a husband to the mother of your young children. Your toddlers may very well be the legacy of not only you but also of your future marriage and of course to your future husband.
That is how it worked out for my SS-28, or more accurately STB 28. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. His Spermidiot was always non-participatory and I raised him as my own. He is my son, his mom's son and blessedly only the progeny of his shallow and polluted paternal gene pool. Other than half of his gene pool, he shares little to nothing with his SpermClan. He is truly a man of character that his mom and I were blessed to raise together.
His Spermidiot went on to spawn three more also out of wedlock children by two other baby mamas. He has never been anything more than a waste of skin.
Our son on the other hand, escaped the curse that his younger half sibs have suffered because his mom learned from her prior mistakes and was extremely selective in who she introduced her toddler son to.
If this guy remains committed to his current perspective do not waste your time on him. There are good men out there who can be your dedicated equity life partner and a good father to your boys. If their daddy steps up, great. If not... good riddance. Just make sure your equity life partner has the stones to not only be your husband but to also be a father to your boys and any future children you may have together.
Some people take exception to the presence of the progeny of someone else in their committed adult relationship. That your current man is expressing his issues with being a father now is far better than if you were married and he came to this epiphany after he married you and had established an expectedly permanent place in your life and the lives of your young boys.
Going forward I would recommend that you keep a clear position that your own personal life and who you date will have significant impact on your young boys. It is better to take things slow in your personal adult relationships rather than to introduce someone to your young boys who is likely only a transient presence. Based on our experience as a blended family when balanced against the experiences of many in blended family marriages, it is far easier to create a mutually supportive long term blended marriage when only one of the partners in that marriage bring prior relationship progeny to the mix. That your X is not a presence in the lives of you and your toddlers is actually a great thing when it comes to creating a future with someone.
The nearly complete absence of my SS's BioDad as an influence on my son and my marriage has been a blessing. Though my SS had regular visitation with his SpermClan, he rarely saw his Spermidiot. He saw his BioDad on portions of ~40+/- days over the course of the 17+ years he and my DW were subject to the two Custody/Visitation/Support orders that governed their/our lives until SS turned 18.
Live your life, be happy, but make sure that your happiness as far as your mate is concerned is also good for your boys.
I balked a bit early in my relationship with my bride of nearing 26 years. I knew that she was the woman I wanted to make a life with. To make that a reality I had to accept her son as my own. It was a conscious decision for me to do that. Had I not made that commitment, I would have not been all in on being my wife's husband. I could not do that to her, to her/our son, or to myself. So, we became a family. It worked out pretty well. My SS asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen. Nothing really changed. We just got papers proving what had always been fact. I am his dad, he is my son, and his mom is the amazing presence in both of our lives. As it has turned out he is an only child in our marriage. Had we spawned together, I am confident nothing would have changed regarding my raising my SS as my own.
Good luck, take care of you and take care of those little boys. Pick the father for them that will also be your ideal equity life partner. The right guy will not balk at that blessing. At least not for more than the short time it takes for him to realize that you are his one.
I am a mother of two boys age
I am a mother of two boys age 3 and 1. Their bio father almost never calls so they don't even know him.
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Oh geeze...
Some of these comments are
Some of these comments are dramatic but there is truth to them. Everyone step child family has a different dynamic. Some enjoy playing mom or dad, others do not. There is no right or wrong. I have one step child who I met when he was two. I jumped in, really enjoyed the child and did it all. But then after a while I started to feel differently. There weren't boundaries. Our entire relationship was about the child. I thought I had the child's love but it turns out he really adores his horrible mother. Fast forward, the child is 12 and we are farrrrr from enjoying this. What works for my family now is my husband being the parents to his child. I take a backseat approach and deal with my own kids. Moral of the story, maybe this guy doesn't need to put your kids to bed with you, or play with your kids like you imagined. Maybe you can have a relationship where you are the parent and he takes a backseat role. It's soooo much responsibility without any return at times. I totally get your boyfriend. This was probably fun and exciting for awhile but now reality has hit for him. Ask him what role he wants to have in your children's life and respect that decision.
You must also understand that someday
Bio father may find god and will want to be a fun father to his kids. After they get older. And insert his rights. Where does that leave SD ? He will be mover into second place being the evil SD
Your BF made the same mistake
Your BF made the same mistake that SOOO many SMs here have made. He fell in love and thought he would go in and be a better parent than the actual bio parent. And after he did that, he found out that he did not like it as much as he thought he would. and changed his mind.
No crime in that. The question is can you live with it?
You guys. Lol. I am not upset
You guys. Lol. I am not upset about a different perspective. I came here for real advice from real step parents. I am reasonably hurt by people being rude by saying I am blatantly using my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend very much. Whether your opinion says I don't or do does not affect the truth. As far aa my abuse from my ex husband. Yes he abused me. As in forced me to have sex with him when I said no and required me to give sex to have basic privileges. He was a "stay at home" parent while I worked while pregnant all day and yet never even fed our son, the only one who was born at the time. I fed him when I got him up in the morning and fed him when I came home. I did all the cleaning and cooking. My husband refused to eat unless I specifically fed him or he would just eat chips. He left our son in his room all day and never brought him out of his room. I let him out when I came home and changed his diaper and fed him and played with him. That was my life. I say that with no malice in my heart. I am over it. I am fine. I am nearly healed. I do my very best to mever hold hate in my heart. As far as my boyfriend goes, like i said, I am okay with him stepping down from parenting. I want him to be happy more than anything. No matter what that entails as long as it is not directly hurting anyone, such as killing someone. A lot of you have given wonderful advice. Many different perspectives even if they were vastly comtradicting my original opinions. I have learned a lot from this. Those that were just genuinely rude and assuming the worst of someone, I hope you heal from your own pain and suffering. I hope you live happy lives. That goes for those that werent rude as well. I want only the best for those around me. As for those that think I shouldn't date just because I am a mom. Yes I am a mom. First and foremost. Always. I put my kids above everyone. I love them every day. And give my all. Even if I make mistakes sometimes. They will always know that I love them because I will show them in every way I know how. But it is also important to be my own person. To have a fulfilling life even beyond my kids. As for dating this particular man, if you read my post, I said we started as roommates. We havent really gotten a chance to go out for a date before. We date at home. Mpvie nights. Cooking special dinners together. Projects together. We love crafting and making things together. So I wasn't just abandoning my kids. I havent had any kind of babysitter since I visited my mum in another state and she let me go out with my sisters for awhile. If my boyfriend broke up with me tomorrow, I would be heartbroken but I'd be fine. I just want him to thrive. Yes I dated very shortly after my husband and I divorced. But healing has no timeline. I never let my boyfriend pick my pieces because I alreadydid thaton my own. I did a lot of my healing while I was still with my husband. I didn't realize it was actual abuse for a long time. When I realized I spent months thinking I deserved it. Then slowly I realized I was more than I thought I was. I grew. I healed. Even as it was still going on. I didnt have the means to leave. So I waited for my opportunity. I waited. I researched. I learned. I grew. I healed. Perhaps I wasnt entirely healed by the time I finally got to leave. But I finally felt like I waa worth something. When I got with my boyfriend, I was ready for a relationship. Not outof loneliness. But just because I felt whole and I saw a lot of great in him. I kmew we could thrive together. And we do. Still. Even today. I appreciate all the great advice. As far as not being the right fit for him. I'm not going to decide that for him. He can decide. And I will love him all the same. Thank you so much.