It's not that you're not trying hard enough. It's that you CANNOT try hard enough to make yourself love a child that isn't yours. It's not that he's a bad kid or and it's not that you're a bad person you dont feel all lovey dovey towards him. He's not yours. People automatically expect stepmoms to looove thier stepkids especially if they're decent kids--like they're some kind of life size doll you just get to play with or something. But no one ever expects you to love the kid in the neighborhood who lives 3 houses down, right? It's fundamentally the same thing--a kid that is not yours. the question should be "Why SHOULD I feel all loving towards him?" I'm guessing you havent been together too terribly long---give yourself a break and tell your husband to stop drinking the koolaid that everyone who has never been a stepparent drinks. Read "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin--awesome and will totally validate you and if you're husband cares to read something, there are a few chapters for him as well! You're doing a great job and totally can tell you care about this kid b/c you took this time to write--but do not expect yourself to love him like he carries half your DNA. It's OK!

I love my SD16 - but it took 2 years of angel behavior and 4 years total to get to that point. Which is good, because otherwise, I would have disowned her by now over her shenanigans of the last year.

You're not wrong. I have it easy; I think DH has left me alone with SD16 for a grand total of... huh. There was half a day here and there (in the morning, and SD will sleep until noon if allowed, so easy) and then 2 days that I volunteered for last summer... But other than that, he has been 100% about being there when she is. But then, long-distance NCP with a grand total of 8 weeks of visitation a year... And he tends to let me be/force me to be the decision-maker/disciplinarian when it's the three of us. You can bet I've put my combat boots up his butt about that a few times.

Your me!!! Before I found this site I thought I had this horrible life. After reading some horror stories here, I realize that my life is really not that bad. The step kids are not that bad. They are kids. Kids do weird and sometimes stupid things. Kids are sometimes disrespectful. Kids are sometimes an annoyance. I realized after joining this site and complaining big time - a time or two - that my reason for being so angry and frustrated all the time was not because the kids are horrible - yes they have some issues to overcome and some lessons to learn, but what kid doesn't. My reasons for feeling this way were and are because I feel like I have to be this picture perfect step mom who loves the kids unconditionally and wants to provide the best possible life for them! I mean, shouldn't I? I love their father beyond words so shouldn't I want to help him raise his kids and love them as much as he does?! But I don't. I love my husband, I do not love his children. They are not my children and I have spent the better part of the last 7 years trying to make myself feel something towards them that I wouldn't try to force myself to feel for the kids down the street. I am tired of being the one to check to make sure their room are clean, to make sure their laundry gets washed and put away, to make sure they shower on time and get teeth brushed and to bed on time. To be the one to make meals for them that are healthy and decent. I am tired of pretending to be their mom. I AM NOT THEIR MOTHER!!!!! My guilt kicks in when I think who their mother is and realize that she is a total waste of skin and should never have been allowed to have children in the first place. But I have to learn to stop feeling guilty for that. Some would say my husband is to blame for allowing me to take on such a huge role with his children, but in all honesty - we have both tried really hard to be this wonderful family and yes, I took on these things on my own. I have also led him to believe that I want to do all of this stuff for them no matter how hard it is on me. I can't bring myself to tell him that I really get nothing out of it all but stress and frustration and anxiety. I have been distancing myself from the kids, still doing the majority of the "taking care of things" but backing off from the family fun time and taking that time for myself. We do have a child together - he's about to turn 1 and after he was born I totally felt this HUGE surge of anger that my time is being spread amongst children that are not mine when I have a son to take care of. One I WANT to do these things for. It also drives me nuts that every single weekend, my husbands attention is taken away from our son because he has to spend some time with the other kids. I feel bad for thinking that to because they only get their dad on weekends and our son has him 7 days a week. But I still hate that he can't spare 10 minutes on a Saturday night to give our son his bath. It just seems unfair. And because my husband wants to make sure each of his kids have some good one on one time with him, he likes to take them out to do things. They do have a great time one on one and have some good chats. BUT it means I then have to stay home with his other 2 kids (there are 3 step kids in total) and our son. I am at the point where I hate being left alone with them. I dread it so much! I don't want to spend one on one time with them. My son yes of course, but not the step kids. It almost feels like fear, for whatever reason. Which is insane because I am the adult and they are kids, but I fear the unexpected. I fear the moment where I inevitably have to break up the fight, or ask them to something 2 or 3 times in a row before they do it properly. I hate being followed around the house and having my personal space invaded. I hate being the only adult in the house because it means all questions are directed at me and sometimes I really just want to disappear and not be seen.

Anyway, the short of this long rant (sorry) is that I don't think I will ever love my step kids. I will probably never really enjoy taking care of them and I will always resent that on weekends my time ends up being spread so thin that I feel like I can't give to my own child what he deserves to get. I do resent my husband for having children with someone else. I know it sounds stupid but I really feel like we were meant to be together and that if destiny was ever real, he is mine and I am his. I feel like I got cheated in life because the man of my dreams didn't wait for me and he had kids with someone else. We were suppose to have this wonderful life, us and our children. Now it's us and our child and his children with another woman, a woman who we have to see twice a week and deal with. I hate it. It's not the life I wished for. He's the guy, but it's not the life. That's a hard thing to deal with.

Yes, dealing with step-children is an extremely hard thing to do. I love the famous quote, they didn't get to choose their stepmom, because we also didn't get to choose our stepchildren either. I would have picked a well-behaved child, instead of having to work on that now. PCD, I can completely relate to alot of what you're saying. I found myself resenting the fact that I had to help raise a child that was not mine as well. I have a SD6 and DH has full custody of her. I have no BC of my own. I have been living with them and his 65 year old mother for about a year now. The BM lives several states away, so we never get a break from my SD. With that being said, fruststepmama I would not at all feel guilty about the feelings you are having. That is something I have struggled with myself. I don't think any stepmother out there feels the same way about their stepchildren as they do their own child. And if they say that they do, its not true. The best advice I can give you is try your hardest to embrace the fact that this child is in your life. You can and will impact this childs life, whether it be good or bad. These children arent going anywhere. They will ALWAYS be a part of your life as long as you are with their fathers. We as stepmothers are stubborn enough to stay and deal with these situations because we love our DH so much, so I feel like I had one of two choices. Either stay and try to change my outlook on the situation and make the best of what I had or leave. I love this man too much to walk away, so I have really been trying to accept it for what it is. My SD absolutely loves me and wants to be with me every waking second. It was very overwhelming in the beginning. A lot of these stepkids have worthless mothers, by DH's choice, but it doesn't mean that we should deny them bc they want and need a mother figure in their life. Majority of the behavior issues I was having with my SD I realized were parenting errors on his part and not her fault. She only behaved that way, bc she was never corrected and allowed to. I have noticed this last month since I have been trying to put more effort into embracing my situation. I have actually found some of the things she does cute and no longer annoying. Not to say that alot of things dont still annoy me, but theyre getting better.